Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 16:10     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:Hey, I found this bottle of alcohol in the freezer, what's up with that?

Don't make it into more of a deal than it has to be.


OP, this is a good open ended question to see what he says.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 16:07     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here- if you can't already tell I am also the child of an abusive alcoholic father and am going down the rabbit hole


OP, you know what you know. Don't let anyone gaslight you. Of course you are terrified. The situation is scary. Your DH is lying to you. Someone on this board wrote a wise comment about not asking questions to people in situations like this which you already know the answer. How can you take care of yourself right now instead of arguing with your DH? If you don't want to leave your kids alone with him, then don't.

Yes, a conversation should be had with your DH, but confronting him won't change him.


Agree. Don't let people make you feel like this is you OP or that you're being controlling. You know something isn't right here. He is sneaking and hiding. That is a huge flag for concern and you are RIGHT. I say this as someone whose partner has struggled similarly (though with marijuana) and hid it and that was a big flag it had gotten to a bad place. He could see that too. Yes your gut may react more strongly to this given your experience as a kid but it doesn't mean you're wrong. I highly doubt you are. 9 days ago, hidden in the freezer, smells like peppermint. there aren't many explanations that would make sense then he is sneaking alcohol and that is a serious concern.


I will share that in my case the thing that was the most helpful in dealing with this was approaching my husband with understanding and trying to figure out together what is going on and come up with a plan together. Getting angry at him just leads to more hiding. I had to tell him it's ok we can figure this out, we have to do it together, I know you feel ashamed, I'm not leaving you etc. Shame is powerful, so powerful. My husband in these situations in the past has been extremely defensive at first. Denied. It made me much angrier. But it is a defense mechanism related to shame. be there with him, tell him you know it's hard to admit something whenyou haven't been sharing the full truth but you are his partner and you want to know all of him and worth through it together.


OP, it is not on you the wife to come up with a plan about your husbands drinking. It is not on you to control the drinking. You have two young children and a demanding job that requires travel. I highly recommend personal therapy for you and also check out Al Anon. It is your husband
who ultimately has to decide how he wants to live his life.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 16:03     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your husband is not your alcoholic father. I would be LIVID if my spouse thought they could control what I eat and drink.



Who said OP was trying to control her spouse? She just wants to know whats up and why its hidden in the basement. There are a few couples who come from alcoholic families and want to break the cycle so prior to marriage have agree upon not drinking I think you need to open your mind a little before judging others.


OP telling her husband that he is never allowed to drink hard liqueur EVER is controlling. It sounds like it was a deal breaker before they got married given her upbringing with alcoholic Dad.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 16:02     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?


Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?


Are you very controlling in other aspects of your life? Or just this? Because it’s enough to drive a grown man to drink.


Isn't this a genuine concern? It seems like my husband has been secretly binge drinking over the last week and I'm supposed to leave him for 4 days to be the primary parents- tending to night wake ups, driving everywhere, etc.


JFC, just talk to him. You're jumping to conclusions. Your history is making you unable to think about this clearly, and DCUM isn't helping.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 16:00     Subject: Re:Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband is the child of alcoholic parents. I completely understand your concern. But, you sound really controlling, OP. You actually know what your husband drinks during the day? Your mention of always using a clear cup? I have no idea what is inside my husband’s coffee mug right now nor do I know what he drinks at work.

I understand your fear. But, do not approach your husband from a place of fear or anger. Just ask him about it. “Hey. I noticed a bottle of alcohol in the downstairs freezer.” See what he says. Given how controlling you seem, many he just doesn’t want to deal with the drama.


Right, because drinking vodka alone in the basement is usually fine.


The point is, obviously, nobody knows if he is drinking vodka in the basement. It's conjecture.

If he's hiding it, why would he put it in the freezer? That's not exactly a hiding place for vodka--that's where ours always is.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 15:54     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?


This. I did this with my now exDH. If I had asked him about his drinking before I marked the bottles and monitored, he would have just minimized it and hid his problem deeper. As it was, I marked the bottles very discreetly and monitored (including the garbage and number of bottles present/missing daily. I also looked more closely at joint credit card receipts, which showed he was buying stuff at the liquor store but not bringing it home. Before I confronted him about his clear drinking problem, I also searched the house thoroughly from top to bottom (luckily we have a small house). I found a number of other things he was hiding.

I know I will get flamed about “violating his trust,” but he had already lied to me about something major. Also, IMO, secret drinking is the thing that violates breaks the trust, not keeping eyes wide open as to surroundings.

When I asked my DH about the drinking, I did not disclose everything I knew, just enough to ask about the problem and then, when he responded in a gaslighting way, a bit more to show that I knew his gaslighting was a lie.

YMMV


PP, do you have children? If so, how has custody worked out?

OP, you already know the answer to any question you may ask him. You really need to get some support and ask yourself some questions now. You are the only one you can control. I am sorry this is happening to you as an adult, too, and to your kids. This time you DO have agency and the responsibility to protect the kids.

Another thread had the names of lawyers who were helpful in these situations re: safety and custody, if it comes to that. Explore your options, just in case. I'm glad that you work.

I'm hoping that your DH will be honest and get treatment but the chances of that and of it holding are something you have to be realistic about.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 15:52     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Peppermint Schnapps might not be hard alcohol. It can be 30 proof. Vodka is like 100 proof.


It is peppermint vodka


What size bottle? I ask because there's a big difference between consuming 3/4 of a 750 ml bottle and one of the big ones (a handle?) over the course of a week.

But I still think you should bring it up to him.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 15:44     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:With his history of blackout drinking I would make a different plan for childcare during your trip.

Al Anon for you, find a meeting you can attend on Zoom today.

Ignore the people denying and minimizing this, his drinking history is NOT normal and your concerns are justified.


I mean, really? He got blackout drunk a couple of times in his early 20s and committed terrible acts like losing his phone and leaving the keys in the door once.

It's like some of you never even went to college.

The sneaking and secrecy is bad, but it's not clear if that's to avoid an overreaction from OP or if it's actually a sign of a problem. There's been no indication that he can't take care of his kids.


Per OP, he has never taken care of the kids for an extended period of time alone. Now would NOT be a wise time for that to start. Blackout drinking is not normal. Nor is what is going on in OP's house right now.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 15:40     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Yep. And the safety of the kids has to come first.

Anyone young or not yet married, someone who blackout drinks is not a great choice for spouse/co-parent. And acting like it can just be more or less ignored with some social drinking layered on will be a ticking timebomb under your life and that of any kids.

This is where your own unprocessed dysfunctional childhood came in, OP. You were recreating your childhood but it's not coming out differently for your kids. Find an Al Anon meeting today, you need a community of people who get it for support right now. No judgement, many of us have done the same thing, but it's time to stop denying and minimizing the impact of drinking on the well being of kids and on you, in your current family.

No history of recovery or treatment here, OP. Follow your gut re: the kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 15:38     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:With his history of blackout drinking I would make a different plan for childcare during your trip.

Al Anon for you, find a meeting you can attend on Zoom today.

Ignore the people denying and minimizing this, his drinking history is NOT normal and your concerns are justified.


I mean, really? He got blackout drunk a couple of times in his early 20s and committed terrible acts like losing his phone and leaving the keys in the door once.

It's like some of you never even went to college.

The sneaking and secrecy is bad, but it's not clear if that's to avoid an overreaction from OP or if it's actually a sign of a problem. There's been no indication that he can't take care of his kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 15:04     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:With his history of blackout drinking I would make a different plan for childcare during your trip.

Al Anon for you, find a meeting you can attend on Zoom today.

Ignore the people denying and minimizing this, his drinking history is NOT normal and your concerns are justified.


Yeah I would suspect that most of them are lucky folks who haven't had to deal with addiction in their close family before. Anyone who has can see the red flags all over this. It doesn't mean it's 100% a problem but the sneaking is a flag and it has to be discussed.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 14:50     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
With his history of blackout drinking I would make a different plan for childcare during your trip.

Al Anon for you, find a meeting you can attend on Zoom today.

Ignore the people denying and minimizing this, his drinking history is NOT normal and your concerns are justified.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 14:42     Subject: Re:Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Al Anon and ACoA for you, OP. ACoA was really helpful to me to process the past and help me be the parent I wanted to be. There are meetings online and in person.

I would not leave him alone with young kids, I'd come up with plan B re: that.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 14:32     Subject: Re:Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
It may not have been in the freezer 9 days ago, but that doesn't mean it wasn't somewhere else in your house 9 days, 9 weeks, or 9 months before that and it got moved to the freezer because you finally cleared out some space.

Just ask him about it.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2022 14:29     Subject: Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH
Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?


This. I did this with my now exDH. If I had asked him about his drinking before I marked the bottles and monitored, he would have just minimized it and hid his problem deeper. As it was, I marked the bottles very discreetly and monitored (including the garbage and number of bottles present/missing daily. I also looked more closely at joint credit card receipts, which showed he was buying stuff at the liquor store but not bringing it home. Before I confronted him about his clear drinking problem, I also searched the house thoroughly from top to bottom (luckily we have a small house). I found a number of other things he was hiding.

I know I will get flamed about “violating his trust,” but he had already lied to me about something major. Also, IMO, secret drinking is the thing that violates breaks the trust, not keeping eyes wide open as to surroundings.

When I asked my DH about the drinking, I did not disclose everything I knew, just enough to ask about the problem and then, when he responded in a gaslighting way, a bit more to show that I knew his gaslighting was a lie.

YMMV