Functional vs dysfunctional are way more nuanced and mean different things to deferent people even within the same family.

I do think there are some people who assume that their “normal” upbringing automatically makes them normal and functional. When in reality, there was a lot of sweeping issues under the rug and therefore nothing was dealt with and so you get some quite emotionally immature adults who fear their own dysfunction.

Whereas, more chaotic upbringings may help create some more resilient compassionate adults.

Anonymous wrote:Sanctimonious and judgmental people are narcissists, and their families are not actually functional as a result. But narcissists cannot see dysfunction they cause — it is a hallmark of narcissism — so they present as functional.

This.

Sanctimonious and judgmental people are narcissists, and their families are not actually functional as a result. But narcissists cannot see dysfunction they cause — it is a hallmark of narcissism — so they present as functional.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

No it isn’t “hitting the nail on the head” to claim with zero evidence that functional families “breed sanctimony and judgment.”

But then it begs the question why some people who seem to (and claim to) be from functional families are so sanctimonious and judgmental. Either these people are in denial and actually they have dysfunction in their family that is causing their sanctimony/judgment (these are maladaptive behaviors) OR there is something about being from a functional family that causes these specific things.

People are individuals and some are sanctimonious and judgmental. They shouldn’t be the type of people you select to be your friends. There are sanctimonious people from dysfunctional backgrounds too. No one is claiming that everyone coming from a functional family is incapable of having bad character traits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

No it isn’t “hitting the nail on the head” to claim with zero evidence that functional families “breed sanctimony and judgment.”

But then it begs the question why some people who seem to (and claim to) be from functional families are so sanctimonious and judgmental. Either these people are in denial and actually they have dysfunction in their family that is causing their sanctimony/judgment (these are maladaptive behaviors) OR there is something about being from a functional family that causes these specific things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

No it isn’t “hitting the nail on the head” to claim with zero evidence that functional families “breed sanctimony and judgment.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

This is a good post. And explains an early PP who was talking about how they feel like they can't trust people who take about having been abused because they might be playing the victim (which is a messed up outlook).

I also think the resentment sometimes stems from two related issues:

(1) The perception that someone from a dysfunctional background is using their background to get out of responsibility for things. I get this. I've been in the situation before where someone really hurt me and instead of apologizing was like "well actually I'm the victim here because I dealt with xyx in my life." And that is really frustrating. In my case, though, it doesn't lead me to resent people from dysfunctional backgrounds in general because I am from one. So I am more inclined to think "I resent people who don't take responsibility for their own behavior, especially when it impacts me directly." I don't dislike people from dysfunctional backgrounds as a matter of course because what matters is how they act and treat other people now.

(2) Some people from dysfunctional backgrounds WILL use their backstory as a tool in getting attention/help/etc. from other people. Like it's a manipulation tactic. Similar to what I was talking about in #1 but more broadly. I think when people talk about "vulnerable narcissism" this can often be part of it -- it's this perspective some people get where they feel they are permanently deserving of other people's time, attention, and forgiveness because of a past trauma.

But to reiterate, this is SOME people with background dysfunction. I'd never pain everyone who grew up with dysfunction this way. I would say that more than half of my close friends have some kind of trauma or dysfunction they have had to deal with and I would not describe any of them as struggling to take responsibility for their actions or using their past trauma to manipulate others. And I have known people from seemingly idyllic backgrounds who do shirk responsibility and are manipulative. What matters is how people act, not what their background is.

Rational fear.

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this is true. People from highly functional families tend to tell you that there's no alcoholism, no divorce, no whatever in their families, in a proud tone.

I do not believe that anyone is from a "perfect" family. Even if parents were "perfect" (which is impossible at least in the eyes of their offspring) kids might not have been.
You might think I am from that super great family where I got all the support, and I am, in many ways. I have secure attachment personality and appear to come from that perfect family.
But, to answer your question, I have discouraged my kids from getting enmeshed in friendships with people from messed families that are clearly messed up themselves. I did not do this when they were young kids, but now as young adults and when they were teens it is trying to have such friends. As my young adult kids have given them every chance, these friends are either narcissist's, abusive, or trying to the very core of their beings. So just as you want the best for yourself, so do I for myself and my kids.
Some of these "friends" have abused my dd, one told her that she needs to get as low as she can as she is worthless, and now my young adult DD is suffering and recovering from that abuse bcs she did not take my advice. Just as her friend did not deserve to be treated as she wa by her family, my DD did not deserve to be treated and abused by that friend.
Plenty of people rise above and are not abusive, narcissists because that is how they grew up. So, yes, I have no patience for such individuals, you do not deserve special treatment bcs of your background and you do not deserve for people like me and my kids to give you more leeway and extra chances.
Plenty of people of terrible families do not grow up to become crappy friends and abuse their own friends. So what is your excuse now that you are a grow up?