Reply to How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place. [/quote]

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?[/quote]

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc. [/quote]

I’m the OP. I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life to address, among other issues, my marriage and dynamics of my childhood that may have contributed to me marrying “such a man”. The fact is, yes, I grew up in a home with a very functional but nonetheless alcoholic mother who could also be abusive. But the other part of the equation is that abusers - particularly those like my husband - very often start off as charming, kind, loving, and doting. The red flags are elusive, especially if you don’t understand the way abuse works (cycles, etc). Once the abuse became apparent - as did the drinking - it was hard to leave with three young kids. I had no family, little money (at the time my husband controlled all of our money), and the options were sleeping in a car (that’s not a very safe / easy thing when you’ve got two toddlers in tow and are trying to make it to your job in the morning to keep some money coming in). Also, my husband could be really scary. I worried about him hunting me down in his rages. I still do.

Add to that the kinds of comments like yours - your  insinuation is that somehow I brought this on myself and I need to figure out what’s broken in me to address that. I wholeheartedly reject that and feel confident you don’t have much first-hand education or expertise in this realm to assert that. The “numerous studies” support my perspective and no, I’m not going to go deep on that here.

But your comment is the kind that shuts people down, shames them, and makes it harder for victims to come forward. How many times did I hear that if I was smarter, nicer, prettier, more successful, I wouldn’t be in a relationship like the one I was in? No, I didn’t bring this on myself and yes, I’m doing all the work to recover and ensure I don’t end up with another person - in any capacity - who resembles my husband. But please be more considerate because your insinuation isn’t just uneducated, it’s harmful. [/quote]

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