Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

.

There are many documented factors that make a woman get raped, you know, like wearing a short skirt and otherwise asking for it. So...

Your false equivalence shows how very, very little you actually know about domestic abuse, its root causes and statistical realities, and you clearly have no interest in being part of any solution for OP or anyone else. Best of luck to you out in the world without science, education and statistics.

I actually know a lot about domestic abuse. I am also older than you and I well remember the time when if a rape was investigated/prosecuted, a significant effort was expanded to determine whether the victim somehow "contributed", in one way or another, to her unfortunate situation. Thankfully, by now it's pretty well established that the fault is solely with the rapist, no matter how much the woman drank or what, if anything, she was wearing. No one is collecting statistics on whether going to bars makes you more likely to get raped - even if there is a correlation, it is simply irrelevant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

I’m the OP. I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life to address, among other issues, my marriage and dynamics of my childhood that may have contributed to me marrying “such a man”. The fact is, yes, I grew up in a home with a very functional but nonetheless alcoholic mother who could also be abusive. But the other part of the equation is that abusers - particularly those like my husband - very often start off as charming, kind, loving, and doting. The red flags are elusive, especially if you don’t understand the way abuse works (cycles, etc). Once the abuse became apparent - as did the drinking - it was hard to leave with three young kids. I had no family, little money (at the time my husband controlled all of our money), and the options were sleeping in a car (that’s not a very safe / easy thing when you’ve got two toddlers in tow and are trying to make it to your job in the morning to keep some money coming in). Also, my husband could be really scary. I worried about him hunting me down in his rages. I still do.

Add to that the kinds of comments like yours - your insinuation is that somehow I brought this on myself and I need to figure out what’s broken in me to address that. I wholeheartedly reject that and feel confident you don’t have much first-hand education or expertise in this realm to assert that. The “numerous studies” support my perspective and no, I’m not going to go deep on that here.

But your comment is the kind that shuts people down, shames them, and makes it harder for victims to come forward. How many times did I hear that if I was smarter, nicer, prettier, more successful, I wouldn’t be in a relationship like the one I was in? No, I didn’t bring this on myself and yes, I’m doing all the work to recover and ensure I don’t end up with another person - in any capacity - who resembles my husband. But please be more considerate because your insinuation isn’t just uneducated, it’s harmful.

If life will be so much worse post-divorce, then call off the divorce and stay married. Otherwise the whining gets really tedious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'm entitled to feel how I feel."

"It's okay to feel sad/angry/frustrated/apathetic sometimes. If it's all the time, it's an issue. But I get to have my bad days."

"You know, talking about my negative feelings helps me process them. If I can just feel my anger or sadness for a bit, and either validate it myself for get some validation from someone else, it makes it easier for me to move forward. But I have to actually FEEL those feelings. Looking on the bright side all the time can feel like just shoving them to the side or ignoring them. I need some time to feel them. And it might take more than an hour or a day, and that's okay."

If you focus on your feelings and what you need, instead of on criticizing how they are approaching it, it will have more resonance (or should). If they persist in the toxic positivity, you might need to come to terms with the idea that they don't have capacity to sit with your negative feelings right now (for any number of reasons) and note that these are not the right people to talk to about this stuff. This is why support groups were invented -- so many people just don't have much capacity for this sort of thing.

omg do not ever say this unless you are talking to a therapist you pay $200/hr.

Why? What’s wrong with saying this to a friend who is being unhelpful by refusing to acknowledge the reality of your situation? It’s true.

Your situation truly sucks. The anticipation of the hard times to come is usually the lowest, hardest point. But can you look at the positives for a minute? There are many women who are stuck in abusive relationships because they don’t have a means to support themselves or they are too emotionally beat down to leave. You’re leaving!!!! You get a fresh start. As hard as it will be, you don’t have to live with an abusive alcoholic anymore! Obviously, on some level you recognize that leaving will improve your life of you wouldn’t be doing it. You have friends who support you.

Your friends are trying to help. They likely see things somewhat differently than you do- they see how your life will improve once you’re away from your soon to be X. They see this as a positive step in the right direction. You seem to be stuck with focusing on how hard it will be (and it will be!) that you’re not seeing the ways in which your life will be better. You should try to be easier on your friends and try to be easier on your situation. The fact that you’re leaving proves you’re a strong person. It will be hard, but it will be okay and it might be easier if you try to focus on the okay part rather than the hard part and don’t label your friends’ positivity as toxic. Your friends acknowledging how hard this is isn’t going to make your situation better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

That is a really odd analogy.

It is not an odd analogy.

If I beat you up, it's not your fault for not taking a karate class since age 6, although that sure would help avoid the situation.
If I get into your house and steal your valuables, it's not your fault for not having triple alarms and 5 pitbulls around, although that sure would help avoid the situation.

All this therapy talk is women trying to tell themselves that this would never happen to them, because they are somehow immune - they did not grow up with abusive parents or whatever it us that they think protects them. The only thing that can protect you is the ability to walk away, which is what OP is already doing. No need to pile up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

There are many documented factors that make a woman get raped, you know, like wearing a short skirt and otherwise asking for it. So...

Your false equivalence shows how very, very little you actually know about domestic abuse, its root causes and statistical realities, and you clearly have no interest in being part of any solution for OP or anyone else. Best of luck to you out in the world without science, education and statistics.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

There are many documented factors that make a woman get raped, you know, like wearing a short skirt and otherwise asking for it. So...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

NP. Did the therapist choose the rapist? OP is not to blame for her abuse, but there are many, many documented dynamics that make a woman more likely to choose and/or stay with an abuser. To deny that is to deny numerous studies and documentation. These factors include growing up with abusers, suffering from substance addiction oneself, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

That is a really odd analogy.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?

OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer toxic negativity? Let’s hope your therapy works.

Oh, so if your friend or neighbor got a terminal cancer diagnosis, you wouldn't honor that reality, you'd just be like, "I'm sure your team of doctors is WRONG and you'll be doing cartwheels by next Sunday!"?

Or would you wish them well in a realistic and authentic way? "I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing, and I hope your treatments help and that you are comfortable. I am available to do X or Y or anything that might be helpful."

Do you see the difference between toxic positivity and simply being there for someone?

Oh, come on. Getting a divorce and being terminally ill are hardly the same thing.

OP, they are happy you are getting out. You seem overly focused on what you perceive as the negative outcomes and ‘reality’ of your future, which you cannot know. Yes, it may be hard, but what if it’s a much better life than currently? You may find peace, at least..

Other people have given advice on what to say, but try not to alienate your friends who are trying to navigate what to say

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask...

Why are you paying him alimony? Uneven income? Still, sounds particularly wrong here based on his history.

Yeah, I know I didn't answer your question. I think your friends really are trying to find a bright spot for you. Especially in light of YOU paying HIM. What they want to say is " How did that happen?" But they know they cannot, so this is the next best thing.

OP here -

Yes, I earn significantly more. I too think it's crazy that I'm paying a man who literally spent his entire pay check on beer and bourbon and a variety of other substances for many years alimony, but that's the way the cards were dealt. Ample evidence including personal accounts, receipts, failed interventions (two), and a variety of other hard evidence that drinking was a problem as was abuse. But I've run out of money to fight it and at this point, paying alimony for three years is cheaper than trying to fight.

But still, the guy got 50% of my retirement savings, 50% of the house we'll need to sell, etc. Meanwhile I have two kids to support. Thank you, Maryland.

Anonymous wrote:They have been kind to deal with you as you have undoubtedly complained for years. Just be grateful they are still around.

Seriously, F off. You suck.