Reply to How early did you know your mother didn’t “like” you or you didn’t “like” her and

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Its not gender but individual personalities of mother and child which make their relation easier or difficult. Societal conditioning of treating girls and boys differently negatively influences parents.[/quote]

Agree with this assessment.  I would think after OP’s daughter leaves your household and experience the real life then she will grow to understand you.  But I’m not sure whether the “understanding” automatically lead to a mom-daughter relationship OP is expecting because I’m in my 40’s and although I understand why mom behaved the way she did growing up, “understanding” did not bring us closer.

Of the multiple children in the family, I never got along with my mom.  By 3rd grade, I gave up on building the trusted relationship with mom. Now that we are all grown up and I understood the household history mom was forced to endure (dad and in-law family were critical of mom, mom didn’t have affectionate relationship with her own dad), but mom was extremely critical and judgmental of me (I was the most strong headed of the children and mom always tried to control me).  My siblings, especially the youngest, bonded with mom peacefully with mutual affection.  I was never ever jealous of the mom-sibling relationship, rather I was looking at my siblings with astonishment like how can you be so comfortable around this person? I would not in a million years willingly be near this person, confining in this person, sharing my thoughts and secret, nor asking for guidance/suggestions.  I wasn’t going to share my personal secret, that’s exposing my weakness to her which she will use it to emotionally attack me.   Not having a healthy relationship with mom, also transpired on my relationship with siblings, I never really got along with my siblings. Mom and siblings sort of formed the unspoken alliances which, of course, excludes me.  Emotionally, this was manageable until recently because dad was still there and after college I distanced myself +1000 miles from them.

Just prior to COVID, we lost dad.  That and COVID gave me a legit reason why I don’t visit mom and siblings now.  I feel it is best for us not to be near each other.  We only connect thru text messaging now.  I don’t call her (when I was still trying for a somewhat cordial relationship, mom hung up on my call n less than 5 min, but immediately called my sibling back with such affectionate tone of voice. I happened to witness this and promised never again).  The last time I was with siblings and mom after dad’s passing, i was hit with the most painful comments which gave me the clear message we don’t ever get along.  This has lasted the last 40 years, mom in late 60s now, I don’t see our “emotional” relationship changing.[/quote]

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