Anonymous wrote:For as long as I can remember. It was fundamentally a clash of temperaments plus the fact that my mother *always* disliked other women. So she favored my brothers and either ignored or was actively mean to me. With more maturity on both sides, we have a cordial relationship now but will never be close. She is still one of the most selfish and critical people I've ever met.

You had it better than me. My mother went to college to a different country when I was a toddler. She would come once or twice a year and totally ignore me. When she returned for good, I was almost 6. Then the horror started. My dad adored her and gave in to everything she said, including physically punishing me for things like playing the piano prior to doing my penmanship, etc..etc... I could never ask "why". If I questioned anything, it was being rebellious. She said if I didn't do whatever she asked me to, she would break me. That included cleaning up the house before exams or concerts ... and talking of concerts, she once burned my shirt (stretchy nylon) with an iron only a couple hours prior to my solo concert. There was also "you are so big, you look more like a wrestler than a pianist" at age 17-18. I was about size 12-14.
She still lives and still badmouths me when she finds an audience.
I haven't seen her for several years.
She also messed up two of my personal relationships when I was in my 20's.

She is completely different with the boys (brothers) who believe her than I need to be institutionalized.
Even though my family was always well off, I had to work full time from a young age to put myself through college and grad school. Had I been in the USA, things would have been much better in foster care.

Why are you so jealous of your husband's nonjudgmental support of and affection for your daughter?


Parenting triggers things in all of us. I suspect your lack of patience for your daughter’s typical teen behaviors is more about something in you that you’ve never confronted or processed, and much less about her being unlikeable. Think about that.

Are you serious, that you judge a 15-year-old for being insecure do you know anything about kids seriously do you know anything? Yes a 15 year old girl is insecure. Most especially if she realizes her mother does not like her.
What are you doing to help her gain confidence?
What are you doing to help her build her self-esteem?
What are you doing to make sure she knows that she is deeply loved?
What are you doing to make sure she feels supported?
What are you doing to help her gain independence?
What are you doing besides biding time until she leaves?

Please get into weekly individual therapy. No child deserves what you are giving her. This is not to bash you or make you have to be a horrible person but there are times in life when we have to face the fact that we are the problem.
No matter how many challenges or issues your child may have the own sense on you to make her feel supported, loved seen and understood.Please seek help, you both deserve better.

Anonymous wrote:

Its not gender but individual personalities of mother and child which make their relation easier or difficult. Societal conditioning of treating girls and boys differently negatively influences parents.

Agree with this assessment. I would think after OP’s daughter leaves your household and experience the real life then she will grow to understand you. But I’m not sure whether the “understanding” automatically lead to a mom-daughter relationship OP is expecting because I’m in my 40’s and although I understand why mom behaved the way she did growing up, “understanding” did not bring us closer.

Of the multiple children in the family, I never got along with my mom. By 3rd grade, I gave up on building the trusted relationship with mom. Now that we are all grown up and I understood the household history mom was forced to endure (dad and in-law family were critical of mom, mom didn’t have affectionate relationship with her own dad), but mom was extremely critical and judgmental of me (I was the most strong headed of the children and mom always tried to control me). My siblings, especially the youngest, bonded with mom peacefully with mutual affection. I was never ever jealous of the mom-sibling relationship, rather I was looking at my siblings with astonishment like how can you be so comfortable around this person? I would not in a million years willingly be near this person, confining in this person, sharing my thoughts and secret, nor asking for guidance/suggestions. I wasn’t going to share my personal secret, that’s exposing my weakness to her which she will use it to emotionally attack me. Not having a healthy relationship with mom, also transpired on my relationship with siblings, I never really got along with my siblings. Mom and siblings sort of formed the unspoken alliances which, of course, excludes me. Emotionally, this was manageable until recently because dad was still there and after college I distanced myself +1000 miles from them.

Just prior to COVID, we lost dad. That and COVID gave me a legit reason why I don’t visit mom and siblings now. I feel it is best for us not to be near each other. We only connect thru text messaging now. I don’t call her (when I was still trying for a somewhat cordial relationship, mom hung up on my call n less than 5 min, but immediately called my sibling back with such affectionate tone of voice. I happened to witness this and promised never again). The last time I was with siblings and mom after dad’s passing, i was hit with the most painful comments which gave me the clear message we don’t ever get along. This has lasted the last 40 years, mom in late 60s now, I don’t see our “emotional” relationship changing.