Reply to What to do when kids overhear one spouse pushing the other one?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So -- I'm just now realizing that my husband of 20+ years is also a manipulative narcissist...it is not apparent unless I don't go along with what he wants, and I think when I was younger I did this because it was easier and only now are we really battling it out over some big issues.  From what I can now, my husband really believes his own versions of events, and he has the ability to completely forget things he did and said that others on this board would call 'unforgivable' -- no physical abuse, but a lot of verbal abuse if I don't agree with his opinions or actions.  He doesn't think he is lying, or gaslighting, or covering up the truth, even though he is doing all of this routinely.  With someone like this, it is complicated because there is no point in arguing or relationship counseling.

For many reasons, I am not looking to divorce right now, although this is not off the table for the future.  For those of you with happy marriages, this decision and the following suggestion may not make sense, but OP will get it as her situation sounds similar.  With my therapist's advice, I identified my current goal as being to minimize damage to the kids, so I have stopped saying anything back to him when I disagree with whatever he just said -- literally nothing -- and I just go on and do what I feel is right regardless of what he says or  thinks.  As a result, we have not had a blow-up in 3 weeks, although our conversations are pretty much confined to coordination about the kids activities and facts. My therapist helped me realize that I don't need to tell him what I think in order to feel like I am strong, or self actualizing, or whatever, and that as I can control my own behavior it is up to me to take an action to try to change the dynamic.  Try this.  It means that you are controlling the situation, not him, and just that thought makes the whole mess easier for me to handle mentally.  Good luck, OP, and hugs -- this is difficult.[/quote]

OP here- Yes. My concern is the gaslighting and false narratives, not the physical stuff. I used to feel so confused after arguments, like I was going crazy. Gaslighting makes you feel that way. I saw a therapist for a gut check. Of course, someone hearing only one side of the story can’t give unbiased assessment, but she helped me identify tools he was using to manipulate me. I also walked down the road of divorce with her - mentally planning it out and thinking through the impact it would have in all areas. Like you, I’m not ready to do that yet.  I never thought I would find myself here and, frankly, it took me years to realize this is where I am. I still struggle with accepting it.  It’s so easy for people who have never lived with a narcissist to give simple solutions, and I don’t blame them, because I would be giving the same advice.  [/quote]

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I'm going to leave the forensic re-creation of the scene to other posters, but the one fact that stands out to me is that you wanted to exit the space and exit the argument and were prevented from doing so.

I don't know how you go to your kids and offer apology or reassurance when your spouse not only refuses to acknowledge their part in the argument, but calls you a liar and then blames you for the kids' reaction. I think that's something that can be explored in family therapy or with your therapist on how to handle.

I think the PP that has developed a technique for not engaging probably has the best advice. I also think you should make some concrete divorce preparations in case you do need to leave.

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