Reply to What to do when kids overhear one spouse pushing the other one?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]PP here. I’ve worked extensively in domestic violence. You don’t have enough information here to decide what anything is. I’m sorry, I think instead of turning to the peanut gallery of people who may be projecting their own experiences and trauma on this, OP has the option of turning to a trained professional to sort out the next steps. Provided she feels safe enough to stay, that is. I’m assuming she is as [b]she hasn’t listed previous abuse[/b] and doesn’t say she is concerned for her safety.

Obviously the husband needs to work on some stuff. But everyone saying divorce are just jumping the gun.[/quote]

[quote]I’m not looking for judgement about my marriage, just damage control. Last night my DH and I got into a heated argument, I tried to leave the room, he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back in, which resulted in me falling backwards on the floor and against the wall while holding a cordless vaccuum. It was very loud and I yelled, “Don’t push me! What’s wrong with you?” He then blocked the door while I yelled, about 3-4 times, “Let me out. Stop it.” He then said, very loudly, “I didn’t push you. Stop making up lies.” Turns out our kids were in the hallway outside our door and heard. They are 12 and 14. We each apologized for fighting, but didn’t specifically mention the physical part since, at that point, I didn’t know they heard that part and was hoping they didn’t. The reason I know they heard that part is I caught them texting each other after they were supposed to be in bed, took their phones downstairs, and read the texts, which were along the lines of “did he push her?” “I don’t know” This is the first time they have heard something like that. [b]It’s not the first time it’s happened[/b], but it hasn’t happened in years. Obviously, there is a huge marital issue we need to address. But in the interim, what should we do to address what the kids heard? I understand this is beyond the pale, and I’m devastated, so any non-judgmental advice would be much appreciated. Unfortunately, the therapist can’t talk until Monday.[/quote]

NP here. Posters accurately identifying her H's behavior as abusive aren't "projecting". Your post reeks of an agenda to discredit the OP, see your dismissal of her history above. Just stop, PP.[/quote]

Not the first time it’s happened — ok. Hasn’t happened in years — how many? What kind of incident are we talking about? Is there a history of violence or getting physical where OP is the aggressor? What were the outcomes? There’s just a lot of information we don’t have to come to any in depth understanding of the situation in their relationship.

Look up persecutor-victim-rescuer drama triangle. People who are adopting a rescuer stance in this situation are not helping. They are perpetuating the drama. The first step of engagement here is that you let OP lead by answering to what she says she needs. She said she needs help with damage control. And that’s what is being suggested here. The first step is to get everyone feeling safe, particularly if there is no immediate plan to leave the house. If she needs help with leaving she needs to ask for that. It’s not clear at all to me that this is the stage she is at. Frankly your judgements about the situation perpetuate a dynamic that is unhelpful.[/quote]

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