Reply to What to do when kids overhear one spouse pushing the other one?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]OP says herself that he pulled her shoulder to keep her from leaving and she fell back at that point. I can see how a reasonable person might think, I didn't intend for her to fall, and I didn't push her. Moreover, if there is a power struggle in the relationship, which it sounds like there is just from the tone of the exchange, it's possible that he might fear her manipulating the facts AND that she might fear the same. None of this is really up to us to determine. And frankly, if you saw the same incident from both of their perspectives it might be pretty complicated. So the important thing that OP is focusing on is damage control. And I do think she and her family would be best served by stepping away from the argument about facts, which no one agrees on, to a decision about actions moving forward. Family therapy seems like a good place to start. If they want to stay married, then absolutely couples counseling. But those of you saying it's this or it's that or definitely divorce are jumping the gun a bit.

Abuser narcissist ID’d above. Show your daughters so they can ID gaslighting, deflection, and manipulation. They prey on you giving them the benefit of the doubt over and over and over again, but throwing you off balance over and over (physically and emotionally). They absolutely do it to their children as well.[/quote]

NP and a woman, but I think that the PP suggesting a different way of viewing things (quoted above) is reasonable.  I am NOT suggesting what OP's DH did or said is ok, because it's not (and I actually find his texts today perhaps more troubling). However, it is possible that her DH was acting in the heat of the moment and does not view pulling her shoulder as described by OP as pushing her, and did not intend for her to fall.  OP also said she had a vacuum in her hands, which may have put her off-balance and contributed to falling.  Her DH absolutely should not have put his hands on her like that and certainly should not have blocked her from the leaving room.  At the same time, unless OP was genuinely worried about her safety, repeatedly yelling so that the kids could hear probably exacerbated the situation.  I can't tell from OP's post whether she had safety concerns, or whether tempers were running high at that point and she yelled because she was frustrated and emotional (understandably). I'm not suggesting that OP is to blame for the kids overhearing, just wondering whether both parties had opportunities to dial this back and didn't do that.  In any event, OP and her DH need to address the issues directly with their kids - "we are sorry about the fight, we let things get out control and will do our best not to let that happen again."  I don't think any of us know enough to advise whether this should be the end of their marriage - the lawyer screaming divorce seems to be projecting a lot, and may be right, but I don't think we have enough information to say.  At a minimum, DH needs individual counseling to control his emotions and communicate better, and couples counseling might help OP and her DH learn new and healthier communication strategies that would be useful whether they stay married or not.[/quote]

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