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[quote=Anonymous]This is really tough.

My FIL died shortly before Covid and we went to the funeral with our toddler. It wasn't ever really a question -- we were all a little shellshocked and we just went through he motions of the funeral like you're supposed to, and we had a toddler at the time who came with us because we were out of town and didn't have a ton of options. There were other young kids at the funeral, and our kid actually played with a couple of them for a while outside the service before it started.

But during the service there were absolutely points when I though "our kid should not be here." It was an open casket service and I did not want her to see her grandfather that way, especially because at such a young age that could be one of her primary memories of him. Nope. I personally don't like open caskets anyway and often decline to walk up for a viewing because that is not how I like to think about loved ones who have passed.

Another thing was the way other people talked to and treated my kid. People are in grief so I am understanding that they might not be thinking. But people said inappropriate things. Some people said very morbid things about death and illness (my FIL died of a terrible bout with cancer and many people related very upsetting things about their own experiences, which I can understand as an adult but were not okay to say to a 2 year old). Others simply put too much pressure on my child -- lots of pressure to hug relatives she didn't even know to make them feel better (I did not make her do this and drew a hard line with people even if it upset them). Lots of people expecting her to be the bright spot for their day or to behave perfectly, which is not realistic for a child that age. Even when she was playing with the other kids outside the service, there were people who complained that it was inappropriate. Meanwhile, the parents of those kids were so grateful for them to have some moments of normalcy in that tough day.

So if I were in that situation again, what I'd probably do is go to support my DH, but time it so my kid was there for a very short period of time, just long enough to see DH and maybe hear one or two of  the eulogies (assuming there were several as with my FIL). And then if we could get a babysitter, I'd do that so I could stay with DH. If not, I'd leave early with the toddler but arrange to do something else useful like arrange dinner for my DH and MIL (which is something I did that was helpful) or some other clean up or prep work. So that I could be useful but not expose my kid to hours of being around people who are grieving and not in the right frame of mind to interact with a young child.

With Covid, I think I'd probably do what OP is suggesting. But I also know from experience how that would be received by my DH (as hurtful and scary). It's so tough. One of those moments when it's very hard if not impossible to give your spouse, your children (and yourself!) what you most need. OP, I personally support you in whatever you choose. There are no good options. [/quote]

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