I think you can take toddlers to a funeral , IF you want to.
If you have been traveling and you think they are part their limit then there you go.

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

1. Your H is also their parent and has every right to make decisions about what is/isn’t appropriate for his kids. Not everyone thinks funerals are inappropriate, I’ve taken DD to them since she was 1yo and she was never traumatized.

2. The COVID excuse doesn’t really fly since you were literally just there. How come it was okay to travel last week but now it’s suddenly dangerous?

Anonymous wrote:If your mom died how would you react if he said for you to fly out to the funeral alone while he stayed with the kids?

I would say “Thank you for handling the home front while I mourn my mom!” And I would mean it.

This is really tough.

My FIL died shortly before Covid and we went to the funeral with our toddler. It wasn't ever really a question -- we were all a little shellshocked and we just went through he motions of the funeral like you're supposed to, and we had a toddler at the time who came with us because we were out of town and didn't have a ton of options. There were other young kids at the funeral, and our kid actually played with a couple of them for a while outside the service before it started.

But during the service there were absolutely points when I though "our kid should not be here." It was an open casket service and I did not want her to see her grandfather that way, especially because at such a young age that could be one of her primary memories of him. Nope. I personally don't like open caskets anyway and often decline to walk up for a viewing because that is not how I like to think about loved ones who have passed.

Another thing was the way other people talked to and treated my kid. People are in grief so I am understanding that they might not be thinking. But people said inappropriate things. Some people said very morbid things about death and illness (my FIL died of a terrible bout with cancer and many people related very upsetting things about their own experiences, which I can understand as an adult but were not okay to say to a 2 year old). Others simply put too much pressure on my child -- lots of pressure to hug relatives she didn't even know to make them feel better (I did not make her do this and drew a hard line with people even if it upset them). Lots of people expecting her to be the bright spot for their day or to behave perfectly, which is not realistic for a child that age. Even when she was playing with the other kids outside the service, there were people who complained that it was inappropriate. Meanwhile, the parents of those kids were so grateful for them to have some moments of normalcy in that tough day.

So if I were in that situation again, what I'd probably do is go to support my DH, but time it so my kid was there for a very short period of time, just long enough to see DH and maybe hear one or two of the eulogies (assuming there were several as with my FIL). And then if we could get a babysitter, I'd do that so I could stay with DH. If not, I'd leave early with the toddler but arrange to do something else useful like arrange dinner for my DH and MIL (which is something I did that was helpful) or some other clean up or prep work. So that I could be useful but not expose my kid to hours of being around people who are grieving and not in the right frame of mind to interact with a young child.

With Covid, I think I'd probably do what OP is suggesting. But I also know from experience how that would be received by my DH (as hurtful and scary). It's so tough. One of those moments when it's very hard if not impossible to give your spouse, your children (and yourself!) what you most need. OP, I personally support you in whatever you choose. There are no good options.

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

You need to figure out how to best support your DH. What are his thoughts and feelings? This is something where you need to let him take the lead in the decision.

I know you're getting opinions on both sides, but I hope you and your DH can come to a solution where you're both happy. There are some couples where both people would be okay with only DH going. And other couples who would both feel that the whole family should go. And the right answer is the one that you AND your DH agree on. Because though a PP was being dramatic with the divorce comment, it is moments like this that either create rifts or bring you together.

I wish you and family peace as you navigate this.

Anonymous wrote:In general, we are of the mind that it's best for the whole family to go to the funeral including little kids. However, add in a flight to Wyoming with unvax'd toddlers during the omicron surge and the whole family should be very understanding of them NOT coming. Tell the family you will plan to come visit in a couple months. The surviving parent will need a lot of support in the months to come and will probably really appreciate a visit with the grandchildren more then.

The bold is absolutely the way to proceed, OP. Talk to your DH along those lines. Explain how grandmother will need the wonderful distraction of the grandkids later, not sooner. Show him you mean it and go right ahead and sketch out dates for that future trip.

I think your idea of getting a sitter from the church or a friend of family is a good one. You need to go because your husband wants you there to support him. This is the kind of thing that if you aren't there, could plant a toxic seed in your marriage.
But I would not bring two unvaccinated toddlers who took multiple flights in the last couple weeks to a large gathering like a funeral.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

How incredibly dramatic you are.

OP, don't listen to people like this who want to guilt you into doing what THEY think is best. They will not be there to help you with the toddlers in Wyoming, nor will they be there to help you nurse your unvaccinated, and therefore highly susceptible to infection, toddlers when they come down with omicron.

As a much wiser PP noted: Talk to your DH about how the children just got to see FIL when FIL was alive. That is valuable--more valuable than taking the kids back there for their mere presence.

This is not about DH’s family, this is about DH and his needs. They won’t be flying every week to go to a funeral. This is a one time occurrence that also signifies a seismic shift in DH’s emotional world. Why does OP count more than her husband in this pretty unique life event. His life event.

Agreed. OP needs to be there with the kids because they need to support OP's husband and the kids' dad. There is no question about it.

Another "support" poster. So OP not only has to attend to two toddlers and hope they don't end up with covid too, but she has to support DH. What does that even mean? How is she supposed to support him other than by keeping the kids happy so he can interact with others at the funeral and probably other related events? Don't say, "Emotional support!" She will be busy every minute. And the "let the relatives help" line of response is just ridiculous at a time when you can't know who is or isn't vaccinated, infected, etc. It's just knee-jerk emotionalism to keep talking about support when you really mean DH just is not thinking straight about what hauling wife and kids on this trip really means. It will not mean support for him, unless he finds it therapeutic to help look after two toddlers during the trip.

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

My youngest stripped naked and started humping a sofa pillow at my MIL's funeral. I was trying to keep my 4-year-old from eating all the cookies when 2-year-old did her thing. Her dress was itchy and that's all she cared about.

I don't recommend toddlers at a funeral unless you need some awkward laughs.

In general, we are of the mind that it's best for the whole family to go to the funeral including little kids. However, add in a flight to Wyoming with unvax'd toddlers during the omicron surge and the whole family should be very understanding of them NOT coming. Tell the family you will plan to come visit in a couple months. The surviving parent will need a lot of support in the months to come and will probably really appreciate a visit with the grandchildren more then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

How incredibly dramatic you are.

OP, don't listen to people like this who want to guilt you into doing what THEY think is best. They will not be there to help you with the toddlers in Wyoming, nor will they be there to help you nurse your unvaccinated, and therefore highly susceptible to infection, toddlers when they come down with omicron.

As a much wiser PP noted: Talk to your DH about how the children just got to see FIL when FIL was alive. That is valuable--more valuable than taking the kids back there for their mere presence.

This is not about DH’s family, this is about DH and his needs. They won’t be flying every week to go to a funeral. This is a one time occurrence that also signifies a seismic shift in DH’s emotional world. Why does OP count more than her husband in this pretty unique life event. His life event.

Cool the hysteria. "Seismic"? "Unique"? The death was expected. The DH's family spent very substantial time visiting FIL before FIL died. They were fortunate to do so, as was the FIL fortunate to see them before he passed away. OP is not saying SHE "counts more" than her DH. She is balancing his grief -- not a seismic, unique thing, but a very common thing, PP -- with the fact she has two children too young to be vaccinated and also young enough to require hands-on attention every waking minute.

The DH would get them all there and then discover he is entirely taken up with paying attention to his mother, siblings, relatives he hasn't seen in a while, etc. etc. Sometimes it is fine, and even salutary, to take up one's role of the adult child and focus on the family of origin without having to "need" your wife and two young children there merely for the sake of their showing up to be counted.

Eh, all the above is for OP, really, not for you, PP, since it sounds as if you would expect your own family to be glued to you for every sad but quite normal life event. This was not a person dying suddenly and tragicallly, to be very blunt. This isn't about reeling people in dire emotional straits after a vast shock, but it's about a command performance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

How incredibly dramatic you are.

OP, don't listen to people like this who want to guilt you into doing what THEY think is best. They will not be there to help you with the toddlers in Wyoming, nor will they be there to help you nurse your unvaccinated, and therefore highly susceptible to infection, toddlers when they come down with omicron.

As a much wiser PP noted: Talk to your DH about how the children just got to see FIL when FIL was alive. That is valuable--more valuable than taking the kids back there for their mere presence.

This is not about DH’s family, this is about DH and his needs. They won’t be flying every week to go to a funeral. This is a one time occurrence that also signifies a seismic shift in DH’s emotional world. Why does OP count more than her husband in this pretty unique life event. His life event.

Agreed. OP needs to be there with the kids because they need to support OP's husband and the kids' dad. There is no question about it.

I think you have to suck it up and go. This is your spouse's parent.

I have only had regret over not attending a funeral or other family milestone event.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you remind him that the grandparent got to see the kids while they were still alive. That’s more meaningful for everyone involved. This model of thinking that you have to fly everyone across country having just said your goodbyes is nuts. DH has to go. If the rest of the family weren’t selfish jerks, they wouldn’t want you to come. This is how my family operates. My grandmother died (in a small family) right after my son was born, via c-section. Every other member of our small family group called me and told me not to come, because winter, newborn, healing, etc. Face time is not the primary value of family importance.

So, DH is a selfish jerk for wanting his wife and children with him? Seriously? Do you ever listen to yourself?

DP, not that PP. The OP's DH and his family are being selfish, yes. Not jerks, IMHO, but selfish.

It is perfectly valid to place greater value on the kids' having seen grandpa when grandpa was alive than on the idea of everyone attending a funeral, especially now.