Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…

NP, I am wondering this too after being in couples (and individual) with DH for over a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I am realizing that in order for our relationship to continue this is the amount of work it is going to always require (whether on our own or through a therapy mechanism). I guess I have to decide whether I can radically accept that.

So DH and I were in and out of couples counseling for five years, starting shortly before we got married. I had the same thoughts, but loved him a LOT and then we had kids.

I think sometimes people go to couples counseling hoping that the other person will realize they need to change. I certainly did. Then I realized I loved lots of qualities about my DH (honest, kind, good father, fun, responsible, similar values) and t focus on that rather than all the annoying stuff (didn’t do house work, works a lot, can’t set boundaries with his family). When I was thinking nasty thoughts about him, I redirected my thoughts to why I loved him. I hired a weekly cleaning service, as it was cheaper than divorce and about as expensive as therapy. The resentment eventually went away. We learned to talk about hard stuff without getting angry but taking breaks when we got too emotional.

Ten years later, 3 kids now, 15 years into our relationship and we are very happily married. We almost never argue, share everything, and have lots of good sex. I’m looking forward to growing old together.

Sometimes you can fix the problems in your relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage should be like what YOU want out of it. One of my good friends is a SAHM and handles 100% of kid, house, and pet-related things. Her husband handles 100% of financial, house, car, and travel-related things. He literally just buys a new car and brings it home and tells her this is her car. Or plans a trip and says this is where they’re going. Wouldn’t work for me, but she’s happy.

My husband and I both now work from home FT and have lunch every day while our ES-ages children are at school. We’re best friends, we can tell each other anything, we’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders, and we laugh together every single day. We split everything 50/50 and we can each run things just fine if the other is gone for work or for pleasure (obviously less travel in the last two years than before). Our lives would be significantly worse without each other. We have seen friends get divorced during COVID and thankfully while hard, it didn’t have that effect on us at all.

I would love your friend's set up. One pp's post really resonated with me regarding she did all she could do and her husband simply needed to do more. I love the idea of a husband who handles some big things without me managing it all and carrying the mental load.

I’d hate this. I bet he is controlling and she is stuck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…

NP, I am wondering this too after being in couples (and individual) with DH for over a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I am realizing that in order for our relationship to continue this is the amount of work it is going to always require (whether on our own or through a therapy mechanism). I guess I have to decide whether I can radically accept that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…

NP, I am wondering this too after being in couples (and individual) with DH for over a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I am realizing that in order for our relationship to continue this is the amount of work it is going to always require (whether on our own or through a therapy mechanism). I guess I have to decide whether I can radically accept that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage should be like what YOU want out of it. One of my good friends is a SAHM and handles 100% of kid, house, and pet-related things. Her husband handles 100% of financial, house, car, and travel-related things. He literally just buys a new car and brings it home and tells her this is her car. Or plans a trip and says this is where they’re going. Wouldn’t work for me, but she’s happy.

My husband and I both now work from home FT and have lunch every day while our ES-ages children are at school. We’re best friends, we can tell each other anything, we’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders, and we laugh together every single day. We split everything 50/50 and we can each run things just fine if the other is gone for work or for pleasure (obviously less travel in the last two years than before). Our lives would be significantly worse without each other. We have seen friends get divorced during COVID and thankfully while hard, it didn’t have that effect on us at all.

I would love your friend's set up. One pp's post really resonated with me regarding she did all she could do and her husband simply needed to do more. I love the idea of a husband who handles some big things without me managing it all and carrying the mental load.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be around their spouse + kids as much as we've experienced the past 2 years. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I'm taking a solo trip in February with a couple friends. I haven't been this excited in years.

No, it doesn't. It's what you bring to the relationship that breeds contempt. I've got 3 kids at home (ages 16-20) and a DH. While we, at times, struggled with everyone being online for school and work, we know how to live together comfortably and cooperatively. Sure, there are sometimes issues but nothing that comes close to contempt. FWIW, 2 kids (boys 16/20) share a room and all 3 kids share a single bathroom. DH and I share a bed/bathroom. We, clearly, don't have a large house where everyone has their own space. Learning to live with others is a life skill.

Our DC is in HS, but COVID brought us closer (if that was possible). We never fought and DH and I doubled our frequency of sex. It was a great time for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be around their spouse + kids as much as we've experienced the past 2 years. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I'm taking a solo trip in February with a couple friends. I haven't been this excited in years.

No, it doesn't. It's what you bring to the relationship that breeds contempt. I've got 3 kids at home (ages 16-20) and a DH. While we, at times, struggled with everyone being online for school and work, we know how to live together comfortably and cooperatively. Sure, there are sometimes issues but nothing that comes close to contempt. FWIW, 2 kids (boys 16/20) share a room and all 3 kids share a single bathroom. DH and I share a bed/bathroom. We, clearly, don't have a large house where everyone has their own space. Learning to live with others is a life skill.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

NP here and I agree with you, it's usually man disappointed woman, woman loses desire, man gets lonely and cheats. I guess he's to blame but it takes two to make a sexless marriage

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

The Bio folks here seem to forget the confounding factor of DWs being sick to death by this time of doing pretty much everything and often working as well, and have little interest in sex with the person who is not contributing. And yes I am talking about my own relationship specifically, but you don't have to look any further than the many posts on this forum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

NP here and I agree with you, it's usually man disappointed woman, woman loses desire, man gets lonely and cheats. I guess he's to blame but it takes two to make a sexless marriage

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

The Bio folks here seem to forget the confounding factor of DWs being sick to death by this time of doing pretty much everything and often working as well, and have little interest in sex with the person who is not contributing. And yes I am talking about my own relationship specifically, but you don't have to look any further than the many posts on this forum.

Anonymous wrote:Civil. Like my business partners. Meetings to discuss plans and financials. No sleeping with the coworkers in either business.