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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I flew cross-country in the middle of a pandemic thinking my mother was on death's door. She (thankfully) survived and is at the end of acute rehab and going home tomorrow. My aunt lives nearby and is in end-stage cancer. I didn't know how end-stage it was until I got here (she sounds better on the phone then she actually is). So I've been bouncing for the past two weeks between rehab and my aunt's home. The first thing my mother says when I get here is "oh good, now your sister can continue to work". Um, I had to close my business to come here on an open-ended timeframe.

My mother and father are still under the delusion they can live alone, far from family, because she's afraid to change. The social workers are all "oh, your mother is afraid"... in other words...feeeeeellinnnnngs. Me: "My father had a stroke years ago and needs some caretaking himself. They are out of money. They can feel any way they want but they can't afford this anymore. They have to sell the house". Social worker: Bunch of caring words but no practical solutions. Me: "I understand she's scared. That does not change the reality of being out of money and not being able to afford living alone anymore. It's not safe. My sister cannot do to the heavy lifting required to take care of two frail people, one heavy-set".  Social worker: "But they don't waaanttt toooo leaaaaveeeee".  Me: "Can you or the state provide them with full-time care that they can't afford to pay for?"  Social worker: "But they have family". Me: "Family who can't physically do the work and financially can't afford to pay someone out of pocket for that full-time care". Social worker: "Silence".

On top of that, I overheard the home hospice manager telling the NP that I am the freaking primary caregiver for my aunt. I followed her out and said that simply wasn't true, that I am from out of state, and that I can only stay a week more at most, and that I came to help with my mother. I laid it all out that I am not certified to do hospice work, that they are to provide the full benefits she's entitled to. They had no qualms dumping this all on me.

I told my sister today that if our parents remain delusional, I plan to get back on a plane and never come back. There are many solutions here and my parents refuse to entertain ANY of them, or pretend to, then change their mind. My mother and father can pass the cognitive tests but are physically dependent and my mother's emotional maturity is now that of a child most times.  That is never taken into consideration by any 'well-meaning' social worker, doctor, elder-care lawyer, etc.

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I think the social worker is perhaps trying to find some glimmer of compassion in you. Maybe it comes across as harsh for you to label your mother and father "delusional," so she is gently trying to make you understand that "they are just scared."

TBH, for someone who is so down on emotions, you sound pretty angry and impatient.

Try having a CALM discussion with the social worker. Compose a list of topics, with your sister, that you could send the social work in advance. Tell her that you hope to address them at a meeting. Say that you are seeking their help with practical needs that will be challenging, given your family's limited bandwidth/resources. Make your list specific (like someone strong enough to lift the heavy parent: can she write a referral for a hoist for example).

You need to approach the social worker from a respectful place. You sound very dismissive. Your parents are her clients. She is advocating for them.

You have every right to set limits. But you should appreciate the professionals who are trying to support your parents in their twilight years.

If ALL of the professionals involved in their care are on a different page than you, it is time for some self-reflection. [/quote]

Not OP here, but defending OP. I don't get the sense you have a lot of experience with challenging parents. I do-my own. A friend who i used to commiserate literally watched her father die. Perhaps delusional is a word that offends, but the man who was deemed cognitively fit, insisted he was safe on the steps despite several previous falls. Right after the last time he told off his daughter, he fell down the steps for the last time and died. They had a case manager and there was nothing she legally do to force a chairlift or to have them move downstairs. A very young OT who came to the home was not very helpful either. This man did not even admit his gait was slow and unsteady. My mother had a pot on fire as she told me she was totally safe in the kitchen. She had poured olive oil onto the burner, yet she passed her cognitive tests.[/quote]

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