Reply to Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What exactly is he dropping the ball on?  How old are your children? Can you outsource?[/quote]

Op here. A recent example is, through therapy we went through the exercise of making a spreadsheet of all the work we have to do in a month and dividing up who does what. My list is much longer than his, but I was like, please just tell me what things you will handle and then handle them without my involvement. One item on his list is our car-registering it, maintaining it, etc.

Last weekend, I had to go out of town for 2 days and as I got in the car to leave on my road trip, I realized the car had not had an oil change in 14 months. When I asked DH about it he got very defensive and said he has been very busy.

His list has 3 things on it, mine probably has 40. And he can’t even do the 3 things. [/quote]

And what did the therapist point out about the disparity in your lists? Was there any acknowledgement from your husband as to the disparity?

Based on this and the antibiotic example below he sounds pretty thoughtless.

I guess I'd do a couple of things if I was in your shoes:

1) tell him that him dropping the ball is pi$$ing you off and making you not want to stay married. Just put it out there. Don't ask him to change, don't nag, just tell him the truth.

2) stop relying on him for things that affect you - like an oil change for the car - and decide which of the kid things he's supposed to handle can fall through the cracks; and

3) stop doing anything for him. Don't do his laundry. Don't buy toiletries for him. If you're the cook then you do what's easiest for you. Tell him you can't do it all and aren't going to. And then don't.[/quote]

Op here. Thanks. This is a good idea. I’ll try this. I do all the household laundry, per the chore chart but that is one thing I can just stop doing right now.[/quote]

My husband is nothing like what you describe, and things are still hard, I think a lot to do with our SN kid and her needs are not even that severe. I’m so sorry.

I think the advice to drop the ball on stuff that relates to your husband is really good. My husband works way more than me but I don’t do his laundry. I do mine and the kids and towels etc. He sends a lot to dry cleaning or washes a giant load as weird time but it doesn’t bother me. I make food that works for me and the kids and he can always order something else or make a sandwich. He is actually really good at handling the car stuff so that’s his.

I handle the kid stuff that matters to me - everything related to extra appointments and interfacing with the school etc. I absolutely hate it when something turns into an emergency/disaster when it should not be (like your antibiotic situation) and I try to take full ownership of anything like that. I do all the “making sure we have xx” because it’s easy enough to order on Amazon or grocery delivery if you have a week to do so- it’s the stuff you need to deal with tomorrow morning that turns into a disaster. I would really really try not to split any tasks- there is too much energy in transferring knowledge and too much ability to blame the other person if something goes wrong.

Can  he give one kid attention at least while extra sitter is there? The thing you can’t outsource is being a parent so I really try to create possibilities for positive interaction between DH and my kids as much as I can. My husband really struggles with having both kids at the same time for more than an hour or two and I’ve just accepted that and try to minimize as much as possible. If your kids are NT you really can’t understand the dynamic in our house! I hope it will be different when they are older, we will see. [/quote]

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