Do the 180. But do it right. No stomping and being mad. Disengage. And maybe you should have left the oldest child. He needs to feel it. Your child would have lived. As a matter of fact, leave tomorrow after the sitter and go out. No planning anything for them or him. I’m off to go shopping and walk out the door.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is he dropping the ball on? How old are your children? Can you outsource?

Op here. A recent example is, through therapy we went through the exercise of making a spreadsheet of all the work we have to do in a month and dividing up who does what. My list is much longer than his, but I was like, please just tell me what things you will handle and then handle them without my involvement. One item on his list is our car-registering it, maintaining it, etc.

Last weekend, I had to go out of town for 2 days and as I got in the car to leave on my road trip, I realized the car had not had an oil change in 14 months. When I asked DH about it he got very defensive and said he has been very busy.

His list has 3 things on it, mine probably has 40. And he can’t even do the 3 things.

And what did the therapist point out about the disparity in your lists? Was there any acknowledgement from your husband as to the disparity?

Based on this and the antibiotic example below he sounds pretty thoughtless.

I guess I'd do a couple of things if I was in your shoes:

1) tell him that him dropping the ball is pi$$ing you off and making you not want to stay married. Just put it out there. Don't ask him to change, don't nag, just tell him the truth.

2) stop relying on him for things that affect you - like an oil change for the car - and decide which of the kid things he's supposed to handle can fall through the cracks; and

3) stop doing anything for him. Don't do his laundry. Don't buy toiletries for him. If you're the cook then you do what's easiest for you. Tell him you can't do it all and aren't going to. And then don't.

Op here. Thanks. This is a good idea. I’ll try this. I do all the household laundry, per the chore chart but that is one thing I can just stop doing right now.

My husband is nothing like what you describe, and things are still hard, I think a lot to do with our SN kid and her needs are not even that severe. I’m so sorry.

I think the advice to drop the ball on stuff that relates to your husband is really good. My husband works way more than me but I don’t do his laundry. I do mine and the kids and towels etc. He sends a lot to dry cleaning or washes a giant load as weird time but it doesn’t bother me. I make food that works for me and the kids and he can always order something else or make a sandwich. He is actually really good at handling the car stuff so that’s his.

I handle the kid stuff that matters to me - everything related to extra appointments and interfacing with the school etc. I absolutely hate it when something turns into an emergency/disaster when it should not be (like your antibiotic situation) and I try to take full ownership of anything like that. I do all the “making sure we have xx” because it’s easy enough to order on Amazon or grocery delivery if you have a week to do so- it’s the stuff you need to deal with tomorrow morning that turns into a disaster. I would really really try not to split any tasks- there is too much energy in transferring knowledge and too much ability to blame the other person if something goes wrong.

Can he give one kid attention at least while extra sitter is there? The thing you can’t outsource is being a parent so I really try to create possibilities for positive interaction between DH and my kids as much as I can. My husband really struggles with having both kids at the same time for more than an hour or two and I’ve just accepted that and try to minimize as much as possible. If your kids are NT you really can’t understand the dynamic in our house! I hope it will be different when they are older, we will see.

OP,

You married a man who has SN himself. Then you had 2 children with him.

You can make the best of the status quo or take on the logistical and financial burdens of 2 households, trading off stability for the kids and how much you can spend on help for your SN child and outsourcing help for yourself.

The issue is you have buyers remorse now, but you had 2 kids. The issue was not his job but his neurological SN, so changing jobs did not change anything.

Characterizing him as fully capable but "lazy" is unhelpful and toxic to your health and family. Did he have the interventions your SN child gets? If you read on this sub you should realize many married men like this, have a "SN" kid who takes after him and find DH cannot hold a stable job. So, in that sense, with plenty of money to hire capable help AND having family who moved to help, you are fortunate.

OP, have you been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? That often seems to be a pattern I have observed IRL with women drawn to men with ADD and the related mental health, social and executive function challenges, many may also have Asperger's.

You are not alone, OP. You have a choice in how you react to things in your life. You seem driven to change things as a personality style but your spouse's brain is not one of those things. You can try to talk with him about an evaluation and medication but ultimately it is his choice. How you react to things you cannot change is fully within your control.

https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/non-add-spouse-add-spouse

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, in general, you're living a life too close to the edge

Calm the family schedule down, down to a speed you could handle if it were just you.

Op here. What does this mean? My kids aren’t in activities. I have to work. It would make sense if my kids had a ton of extra curriculars or something. Therapy for my SN child is non-optional, same with his doctor appointments. I could have skipped my siblings funeral but I wanted to go. It was the first time I went on a plane in 2.5 years.

The financial presssures of divorce may cut into what therapies you can persue and how much outsourcing you can afford. Pick your priorties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a loser. How entitled is he that he can’t get 3 things done on his list? I’m guessing he can at work—somehow. I couldn’t stay married to him.

This dynamic is incredibly common with a spouse with ADHD. It takes so much more effort for their brain to succeed at executive functioning at work they often drop the ball at home. Not an excuse, but an underlying explanation.

This.

Anonymous wrote:OP, in general, you're living a life too close to the edge

Calm the family schedule down, down to a speed you could handle if it were just you.

Op here. What does this mean? My kids aren’t in activities. I have to work. It would make sense if my kids had a ton of extra curriculars or something. Therapy for my SN child is non-optional, same with his doctor appointments. I could have skipped my siblings funeral but I wanted to go. It was the first time I went on a plane in 2.5 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a loser. How entitled is he that he can’t get 3 things done on his list? I’m guessing he can at work—somehow. I couldn’t stay married to him.

This dynamic is incredibly common with a spouse with ADHD. It takes so much more effort for their brain to succeed at executive functioning at work they ofte drop the ball at home. Not an excuse, but an underlying explanation.

I have ADHD and somehow I magically get sh*t done. I think this is a combination of entitled and lazy.

Agreed. 💯. It takes major effort on my part to remember to put things back where they belong, to keep my files organized, to “see” things that need to be done. I’m famous for opening drawers and forgetting to close them. But I’ve trained myself to walk back and look at the drawers. I’ve worked really hard at keeping my keys in one place so I don’t lose them. And yes I have a full time job. The things op is describing is laziness compounded by attention deficit.

Note to parents of kids with add or adhd—making excuses for them or doing things for them because of their special needs will end up adults like this dh.

Yes, some people don't realize that people who have their shit together usually have come up with systems to ensure that. It isn't that they magically have an easier time with things. I don't think I have ADHD (def not diagnosed), but similar to PP, I used to lose things, leave stuff open, put stuff in the wrong spot, lock myself out of the car/house.... It was wildly inconvenient way to live, so I work to identify problems and train myself to fix them. Now, my life is less chaotic and more things get done than when I was younger. I think it was called Adulting a few years back... do people still say that?

For OP, the spouse doesn't seem to think any of this is a problem for him, and he's not willing to change because it is a problem for her. I don't know what you do with that situation.

Do you have a bare minimum standard of clean/finished? That helped me (forgetful/lazy spouse) a LOT in the early years of marriage and household management. The dishes and laundry need to be done, at minimum, and certain things put away. I don't rest until that gets done.

I agree with the CBT or other therapy to try to change your own emotional response. That can help in the short term. The long term is harder - divorce or... ???

My initial thought was surprise that with 7 days childcare, low stress jobs, and one family nearby, you still were overwhelmed. But the special needs is an extra burden, and it sounds like none of his chores are the day-to-day grind of the evening routine (dinner/dishes/bedtime etc.). I can see how that would get exhausting with zero help from spouse.

I have a much more engaged spouse, but before we had kids, his chores were generally not daily stuff, and if he had a rough day, he could push it to whenever felt like a good time. Maybe our chore lists were similar, but that was a big difference in stress. I finally said we had to alternate on dishes/kitchen, and that really solved a lot of the frustration I felt on a day to day basis.

But, I can't see your husband stepping up to do that, even if you demanded it be so. I'm sorry.

If you can afford it, I would get divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a loser. How entitled is he that he can’t get 3 things done on his list? I’m guessing he can at work—somehow. I couldn’t stay married to him.

This dynamic is incredibly common with a spouse with ADHD. It takes so much more effort for their brain to succeed at executive functioning at work they ofte drop the ball at home. Not an excuse, but an underlying explanation.

I have ADHD and somehow I magically get sh*t done. I think this is a combination of entitled and lazy.

Agreed. 💯. It takes major effort on my part to remember to put things back where they belong, to keep my files organized, to “see” things that need to be done. I’m famous for opening drawers and forgetting to close them. But I’ve trained myself to walk back and look at the drawers. I’ve worked really hard at keeping my keys in one place so I don’t lose them. And yes I have a full time job. The things op is describing is laziness compounded by attention deficit.

Note to parents of kids with add or adhd—making excuses for them or doing things for them because of their special needs will end up adults like this dh.

Agree with calming the schedule down ^.

Would your nanny/babysitter be willing to do some household management stuff? Especially if your kid(s) nap. My nanny felt lazy sitting on the couch during naptime so she offered to pick up my groceries (curbside pickup) and dry cleaning, etc.

OP, in general, you're living a life too close to the edge

Calm the family schedule down, down to a speed you could handle if it were just you.

Stop the laundry and stop some of the cooking. If you are out and about with the kids close to dinner time, stop and get yourselves some food. When your DH is looking for his dinner, say oops, we ate already.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a loser. How entitled is he that he can’t get 3 things done on his list? I’m guessing he can at work—somehow. I couldn’t stay married to him.

This dynamic is incredibly common with a spouse with ADHD. It takes so much more effort for their brain to succeed at executive functioning at work they ofte drop the ball at home. Not an excuse, but an underlying explanation.

I have ADHD and somehow I magically get sh*t done. I think this is a combination of entitled and lazy.