Reply to Why do you blame your DIL/SIL instead of your son/brother?

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Reply to "Why do you blame your DIL/SIL instead of your son/brother?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's not always the same dynamic. My brother's wife definitely prevents my parents from having much of a relationship with their kids. They live 20 minutes apart and see each other maybe 4 times a year. And there's no way to prove this online, but my parents are easy and pleasant to be around. I routinely call them to fly across the country to babysit for me for weeks and they do it, including dishes, yard work, etc. My SIL just doesn't want to facilitate a relationship for reasons unknown and my brother is passive and conflict-averse to the point of being practically dead. Obviously that's on him, but if he were steering the ship my parents would definitely get their wish to babysit now and then or get together more than once a quarter.[/quote]

But it’s still him! The whole point of this thread, and this illustrates it perfectly. She’s supposed to facilitate because he is a passive doormat. [/quote]

As I've explained, no one is asking her to do anything to actively facilitate, just not to actively obstruct. My brother brings the kids over to my parents' a lot more when she's out of town. He always chooses the path of least resistance, and that's obviously on him, but choosing to say no to 9/10 requests for a visit is on her. You want this to be black and white, but it's not. My parents ask my brother for times when it would be convenient to visit, he says he'll check with her, and she comes up with excuses for why there are literally no times when it will be possible. She reads his text messages so there is no way to discuss this dynamic directly with him. As I've said many times, no one thinks my brother is blameless, but her choices are unkind for no reason and she is responsible for her own choices. [/quote]

I mean, if it’s on her, why stop there? Can’t she then say “well I say no to 9/10 requests to visit because my ILs think I’m some controlling harpy who is ruining their relationship with my DH.” See how that works?

At some point, you have to accept that your relationship with your brother is YOUR relationship. You can blame his wife all you want and nothing will change. Or you can pick up the phone, call him directly, and say “Hey, it feels like we don’t see you very often and when we invite you, you usually say no. Is there something we need to address? I love you and want you in my life.” And if his response is “well my wife won’t let me” remind him he’s an adult.

One reason blaming the wife for everything is bad is that it allows a lot of these men to use their wives as an excuse. Men are constantly looking for an excuse to get out of family obligations. Why give it to them? Stop letting them off the hook.[/quote]

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