Reply to Why do you blame your DIL/SIL instead of your son/brother?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's not always the same dynamic. My brother's wife definitely prevents my parents from having much of a relationship with their kids. They live 20 minutes apart and see each other maybe 4 times a year. And there's no way to prove this online, but my parents are easy and pleasant to be around. I routinely call them to fly across the country to babysit for me for weeks and they do it, including dishes, yard work, etc. My SIL just doesn't want to facilitate a relationship for reasons unknown and my brother is passive and conflict-averse to the point of being practically dead. Obviously that's on him, but if he were steering the ship my parents would definitely get their wish to babysit now and then or get together more than once a quarter.[/quote]

But it’s still him! The whole point of this thread, and this illustrates it perfectly. She’s supposed to facilitate because he is a passive doormat. [/quote]

As I've explained, no one is asking her to do anything to actively facilitate, just not to actively obstruct. My brother brings the kids over to my parents' a lot more when she's out of town. He always chooses the path of least resistance, and that's obviously on him, but choosing to say no to 9/10 requests for a visit is on her. You want this to be black and white, but it's not. My parents ask my brother for times when it would be convenient to visit, he says he'll check with her, and she comes up with excuses for why there are literally no times when it will be possible. She reads his text messages so there is no way to discuss this dynamic directly with him. As I've said many times, no one thinks my brother is blameless, but her choices are unkind for no reason and she is responsible for her own choices. [/quote]

So, he could chose to not use her as an excuse, and come separately /alone with the kids to visit. He could call you himself so she cannot intercept his texts. He could figure out and manage the family schedule himself so he knows when there is time. If he is in such a controlling and abusive relationship that he is being isolated from family he wants to see, he could also choose to end the relationship.

Managing the relationship with your family is on him, even if she makes it hard. The problem is he is not managing it, and that falls on him. [/quote]

Or.. the way it’s being managed is just fine for him. He doesn’t really want to extend the relationship with you, and letting her take the reins is an easy out. [/quote]

I suspect if the shoe were on the other foot, you would see the situation differently. Your inherent sexism is showing. Women can be controlling, just like men. My SIL is 10 years older, makes more money, and has a much stronger personality. I don't think she's a bad person, and we get along fine, but it is clear from her actions that she does not want their kids to have a relationship with their paternal grandparents, there is no history here that would make this reasonable, and she is definitely controlling. If a man controlled his wife's relationship with her family in this way, I expect you would see red flags, but when it's the other way around you expect the man to simply "choose" to unilaterally change the dynamic. It also isn't about me - I live on the other side of the country and frankly I am indifferent as to whether we have a relationship. I have lots of friends, my parents, and my ILs in my life and don't need anything from my brother and SIL. I feel bad for my parents, and to some extent I feel bad for their kids who are missing out on the benefits of local family. My parents have spent aeons more time with my kids, who live 3000 miles away, than with their kids, who live 10 miles away. My kids love my parents and they have a very sweet and supportive relationship. They also love my husband's parents and spend lots of time with them, because I'm not an obstructionist jerk. I don't facilitate those visits as that is my DH's job, but I also don't block them. Do you see the difference?[/quote]

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