Reply to Why do you blame your DIL/SIL instead of your son/brother?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's not always the same dynamic. My brother's wife definitely prevents my parents from having much of a relationship with their kids. They live 20 minutes apart and see each other maybe 4 times a year. And there's no way to prove this online, but my parents are easy and pleasant to be around. I routinely call them to fly across the country to babysit for me for weeks and they do it, including dishes, yard work, etc. My SIL just doesn't want to facilitate a relationship for reasons unknown and my brother is passive and conflict-averse to the point of being practically dead. Obviously that's on him, but if he were steering the ship my parents would definitely get their wish to babysit now and then or get together more than once a quarter.[/quote]

I'll repeat again that's ultimately still a son/brother problem because he is the one choosing not to speak up and say anything to change the situation. Him being a passive person doesn't give you guys a pass to push the blame off to the DIL/SIL he is an adult with his own agency and he is choosing to be passive and not speak up. That shows if he really wanted a relationship with you guys he would make it happen. He is not a child who has to listen to mom and dad. You guys with these responses are completely missing the OP's point.[/quote]

His responsibility for his passivity does not absolve her of the responsibility for her agency and actions. The two things can coexist. And my parents tried for a long time to facilitate a relationship through my brother (which is what people are supposed to do! go through their own relative) and she acted like they were trying to go behind her back or usurp her ability to control her family calendar. This isn't my direct problem - we don't bother trying to have a relationship since it's such a one way street and are cordial but have no meaningful connection. But I feel bad for my parents, who would like to have a relationship with their grandkids who live in the same city and barely know them through no fault of their own. I'm generally pro-DIL, but to pretend that the dynamic is always such that they are above reproach is absurd.[/quote]

She is above reproach because if your brother wanted to truly have a relationship with you guys he is a grown man and wouldn't allow his wife to stop that. It isn't her responsibility to be loyal to you guys or to ensure that the family relationship is continued. Also you never know even if wife wasn't around who is to say your brother would choose to have a relationship with you guys? There could be other factors going on in his mind that you don't know about.

It just boggles my mind that people blame the 3rd party instead of their actual relative the one who owes them the loyalty not the in law who doesn't owe them jack shit. Then again this is the same story old as time where it's easier to blame the outsider the non blood relative that you didn't grow up with then to admit it might be your family member that you grow up with that doesn't want the relationship or has the flaws.[/quote]

Yeah, that's not what's happening here. Nobody thinks my brother is blameless, and as I said I don't have a meaningful relationship with either of them because it's not worth my time. We text a couple of times a year and they'll come over for an hour when we're visiting my parents. I imagine as we get older all of that will gradually cease and our kids won't know each other at all, which will have been their choice. But in this case she does, in fact, actively obstruct get togethers - that is a choice that she is making. Nobody is asking her to be responsible for the relationship between my parents and her kids, just not to go out of her way to say no to every request that comes through my brother. And of course your ILs owe you some loyalty - they are still family even if not by birth. Grandparents have no rights, nor should they, but to actively prevent a relationship between grandkids and grandparents for no reason is not normal or kind.[/quote]

Ok but again your brother is ultimately the one deciding to go along with his wife's decision to not have a relationship with you guys. He isn't speaking up and saying no honey I want to see my family. A grown man should be able to speak up for himself and that's a brother problem if he can't do that not a SIL problem.[/quote]

Obviously. I just don't see them as mutually exclusive. Most people don't want to argue with their spouse constantly, especially passive, conflict-averse people. I absolutely blame my brother, but my SIL is to blame too. My brother brings the kids over more when my SIL is out of town and can't act as gatekeeper. Would I tolerate a spouse who treated my family like this? No. Would I tolerate a spouse who was so weak-willed? Also no. I find plenty to censure on both sides here. I suppose he could force more time together, but at the price of angering his wife and creating household conflict.[/quote]

…and?

Then there’d be conflict. And if he drew a line in the sand, that would be the last of the conflict. One firm stance, and it would be over. I am laughing imagining if I tried to control it so that my husband’s family didn’t get fairly equal time with the kids as my family. That’s a nope. And same if he tried to pull that crap with me. If your brother actually gave a shyt about your family, he’d draw a line in the sand. But he doesn’t. And that’s on him.[/quote]

I'm not sure why you feel you are an expert on people you've never met. You would behave differently, as would I, because I am not a congenitally passive person. My brother would arrange things differently if he were calling the shots, but he's not and he doesn't care enough to bother trying. He'd rather float along and not make waves. I have conceded all of that. That doesn't make it any more normal or kind to go out of your way to say no to plans with your ILs and to invent reasons not to see them.[/quote]

DP.  No to be harsh, but that person doesn’t have to be an expert on your brother, they are speaking FACTS. If your brother wanted his kids to see his parents, he would make it happen. That’s that on that. You said it yourself, your brother doesn’t care enough to bother trying, so why do you continue to still put ANY of the blame on your SIL?  Sounds like you still want to make SIL the scapegoat when you know your brother is the the real passive a$$hole in this scenario, breaking your parents’ ❤️.[/quote]

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