Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you are not getting legally married — so you actually are doing exactly what all the advice here is telling you.

But, you are still making a ton of excuses for this guy’s poor life choices. I hope it works out, but it will be good that you are not legally married if this doesn’t work out.

OP, what kind of service does one have in a church that is not legally binding?

Anonymous wrote:He makes FOUR TIMES as much as you, yet has failed on both college AND retirement savings, AND had credit card debt until recently? Come on, OP. Open your eyes to what is right in front of your face. You are going to end up paying for his retirement.

As for his parents, seems like they're going to run out of money and end up on Medicaid. Check out some Medicaid retirement places and you'll see how not-so-nice they are. And people on Medicaid get to keep only a very small part of their Social Security as spending money. Anything they want, like dinner our, new clothes, things not covered by Medicaid, your partner and his siblings will be paying for.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a little shell shocked here. First off, my daughter's college is not an issue. She has a college fund, and a father with so many assets that any CSS profile makes her ineligible for aid. UVA uses the CSS in addition to the FAFSA anyway. And all her other schools are private. Secondly, my kids have a rich asshole dad and my divorce agreement protects them for life.

I'm with this guy because he's loving and kind-- yes too generous-- but not the kind of asshole my workaholic arrogant narcissistic ex husband was.

Lots of men are financially devastated by divorce. That doesn't mean they deserve no future. After eight years single I ran across all the types of single men in their 40's-- the losers, the scam artists, the impotent ones, the misogynists, the control freaks, and the fundamentally broken.

This guy is not that. He does all the cooking, all the cleaning, takes me to doctors appointments, loves my disabled son way more than his own dad does, and is supportive of my career and nice to my family. In addition, his income is 4x what mine is.

Yes, he needs to learn basic financial skills, and his dynamic with his family of origin is clearly fundamentally problematic. But so is mine. My mother has borderline personality disorder and my father comes from a long line of alcoholics. People come with stuff-- it's what they do with it that counts.

So the advice I was looking for was how to work together to establish boundaries and protect us from them.

FWIW we had already decided not to get legally married because living in a high cost of living area, the SALT CAP means our taxes would go up $8K annually by getting legally married. We are getting married in a church, which is what I consider marriage.

I do appreciate all the concerns and red flags-- trust me, I have been with that guy before- the user and loser. But this guy is better than that. He's just imperfect like all of us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you are not getting legally married — so you actually are doing exactly what all the advice here is telling you.

But, you are still making a ton of excuses for this guy’s poor life choices. I hope it works out, but it will be good that you are not legally married if this doesn’t work out.

OP, what kind of service does one have in a church that is not legally binding?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No! Absolutely do not marry. A man like this will RUIN your finances very very quickly and you might not even know until it's too late. Do you even know the full extent of his problems? I would make him show you a credit report.

You seem to be in denial. The problem is not his parents. The problem is him! And if he doesn't have enough retirement savings he's not going to get there between now and when he's too old to work. He might be thinking he can work forever, but is that what you want? And often times health or layoffs force people out of the workforce when they still really need the money. If he can't fund his own retirement, and he's not going to get anything from his parents, who's going to fund his retirement? YOU.

OP, at your age, with kids, you can't afford the financial mistake that is marrying this man. Live together. But, think about the future and what it will look like financially. I would have grave concerns even continuing the relationship. He is going to expect YOU to support HIM. Stevie Wonder could see it.

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you are not getting legally married — so you actually are doing exactly what all the advice here is telling you.

But, you are still making a ton of excuses for this guy’s poor life choices. I hope it works out, but it will be good that you are not legally married if this doesn’t work out.

Anonymous wrote:No! Absolutely do not marry. A man like this will RUIN your finances very very quickly and you might not even know until it's too late. Do you even know the full extent of his problems? I would make him show you a credit report.

You seem to be in denial. The problem is not his parents. The problem is him! And if he doesn't have enough retirement savings he's not going to get there between now and when he's too old to work. He might be thinking he can work forever, but is that what you want? And often times health or layoffs force people out of the workforce when they still really need the money. If he can't fund his own retirement, and he's not going to get anything from his parents, who's going to fund his retirement? YOU.

Anonymous wrote:
This guy is not that. He does all the cooking, all the cleaning, takes me to doctors appointments, loves my disabled son way more than his own dad does, and is supportive of my career and nice to my family. In addition, his income is 4x what mine is.

Yes, he needs to learn basic financial skills, and his dynamic with his family of origin is clearly fundamentally problematic. But so is mine. My mother has borderline personality disorder and my father comes from a long line of alcoholics. People come with stuff-- it's what they do with it that counts.

So the advice I was looking for was how to work together to establish boundaries and protect us from them.

FWIW we had already decided not to get legally married because living in a high cost of living area, the SALT CAP means our taxes would go up $8K annually by getting legally married. We are getting married in a church, which is what I consider marriage.

I do appreciate all the concerns and red flags-- trust me, I have been with that guy before- the user and loser. But this guy is better than that. He's just imperfect like all of us.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a little shell shocked here. First off, my daughter's college is not an issue. She has a college fund, and a father with so many assets that any CSS profile makes her ineligible for aid. UVA uses the CSS in addition to the FAFSA anyway. And all her other schools are private. Secondly, my kids have a rich asshole dad and my divorce agreement protects them for life.

I'm with this guy because he's loving and kind-- yes too generous-- but not the kind of asshole my workaholic arrogant narcissistic ex husband was.

Lots of men are financially devastated by divorce. That doesn't mean they deserve no future. After eight years single I ran across all the types of single men in their 40's-- the losers, the scam artists, the impotent ones, the misogynists, the control freaks, and the fundamentally broken.

This guy is not that. He does all the cooking, all the cleaning, takes me to doctors appointments, loves my disabled son way more than his own dad does, and is supportive of my career and nice to my family. In addition, his income is 4x what mine is.

Yes, he needs to learn basic financial skills, and his dynamic with his family of origin is clearly fundamentally problematic. But so is mine. My mother has borderline personality disorder and my father comes from a long line of alcoholics. People come with stuff-- it's what they do with it that counts.

So the advice I was looking for was how to work together to establish boundaries and protect us from them.

FWIW we had already decided not to get legally married because living in a high cost of living area, the SALT CAP means our taxes would go up $8K annually by getting legally married. We are getting married in a church, which is what I consider marriage.

I do appreciate all the concerns and red flags-- trust me, I have been with that guy before- the user and loser. But this guy is better than that. He's just imperfect like all of us.