Reply to Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP- I long to move out and be alone for a few months when DC move on the college. Would love some me time and space. Don’t need a divorce just a reset.
[b]
Only advice is to sit down and talk about what she is aiming for. Agree marriage counseling may be a good opportunity when she is ready.[/b][/quote]

This.

How much have you and she actually talked? In detail?

It sound as if she is being fairly vague, OP, and you are tiptoeing around afraid to be blunt and both ask and listen because you fear if you dive into this you'll drive her farther away. Is that the case?

I know you're being a bit circumspect here in your posts but do you absolutely love her and want to remain married? Enough that you will change how you do things and how you and she operate as couple now that the child-rearing is done? Another PP had a good point: Is it possible she is still (after child-rearing is mostly done) the one who is expected to handle house stuff, general family business, arranging your social lives, etc.? (To be clear -- it may even be that SHE expects that of herself and you're not necessarily sitting there demanding it of her. I'm the DW and I realize I do put pressure on myself to be the organizer like when the kid was at home, and it's not necessarily DH pressuring me to have that role, it's me, myself, and I'm learning to drop that mindset.)

But you need to get proactive, yesterday, if you want to stay married.  "What do we need to do to make you feel you have the space you need? What specifically can I do to give you that support and alone time within our marriage? Because I love you and don't want to divorce, and I want to say out loud that I  fear if you move out even temporarily we are going to end up divorced. Please walk through this with me and let's consider together how I can, frankly, get out of the way of our marriage." Or whatever language works. She may need to hear out loud some things you might be assuming she already "knows."

Marriage counseling/couples therapy could be an excellent help though she may at this time feel that's not where she wants to go. She may be mentally and physically exhausted. Tell her you recognize that and ask how you can help and what you can change at home or about your expectations. (Even if [i]you feel[/i] you [i]don't expect[/i] her to do or be whatever. Ask how [i]she perceives[/i] your expectations. Be prepared to listen without getting defensive even if you disagree.)

A great deal depends on how much you are willing to be open to "how do I make space for you to be 'alone' within our marriage, and what does alone mean for you?" Also--you and she may need, once she's got her alone time set up, eventually to do more together and reconnect as an adult couple, if she's been very kid-centric and you've been very work-focused. It's crucial. DH and I have done just that since DC went to college and it has truly been great for our marriage.

Also, OP -- does she have interests and activities of her OWN that do not involve you and are not/were not kid-based? If she spent years only doing family things, and her activities were all basicaly taking kids to THEIR activities, and her friends were all the parents of your kids' friends and not really friends who know her as her own, adult, separate self --that may be the real problem here. Think hard about that. I know moms who talked about leaving or just needing to be alone and quiet too, and in every case, they sort of realized they had nothing of "their own" once the kids were away at college or in later years of high school.

If that got covered in an earlier post by you and I missed it -- sorry, and moot point. Wishing you the best. [/quote]

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