OP - I am a woman in my 40s who often longs to be alone. Not enough to leave. Honestly it’s not something you can fix in a day or a week or a month. Your wife has decades of losing her identity to the role of mother and wife, being taken for granted and not appreciated. You can fix it, but it’s going to take a sustained, sincere effort from you.

This is one of the stories from this column that has stuck with me over the years.

https://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/style/modern-love-those-arent-fighting-words-dear.html

Poster above, just saw your updated response, sorry. You don't sound lukewarm, you sound hurt and blindsided, that you were unaware she felt this way and was this unhappy. The two of you have work to do...if you want the marriage, do it. It may get harder before it gets better because you are going to get an earful first on the ways you have fallen short. If you can try to make space to hear it and be nondefensive, you can work through it.But she's angry...and you will need to hear it. Then you can move forward. Find a good therapist asap

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

No but here’s the thing, from her perspective: your “sacrifice” working harder than you otherwise would have without a family has brought you acclaim, status, and satisfaction. Her sacrifice has brought her the opposite.

OP here, she said those exact things to me.

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be a woman in your 40s. It is. Not saying it isn't hard to be man in your 40s. But that's another post.

OP, what do YOU want? Do you want to separte and divorce?

Have you asked her what this REALLY means? Does she want to be alone temporarily? forever? just sometimes?

Would it help if she had a small space to herself (a tiny house in the country? an apartment in the city?) that she could go a couple days a week? Does she need more alone time on a daily/weekly/yearly basis?

My parent have been married a LONG time. But they also spend time apart when my mom goes to do things, or just do alone time in another state. My dad visits, but it is her place, for her comfort.

There may be creative and better ways to make this work than just her leaving. You might have to start with her taking 3-6 months alone - and then she maybe will reset, recharge, and return.

BTW, do you have kids? If so, how old are they?

two kids, 11 and 14

Anonymous wrote:As the wife in this situation, I’d say you do nothing. She’s made up her mind.

She might have. How much do you want this marriage? If you want it, then fight for her. If you are as lukewarm as you sound then it might be time for the two of you to seriously discuss parting. Only you can know what you really want. I would take her seriously. And work from there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

This is what SAHP don’t understand.., they say they sacrificed… career, time, etc.

But working parent sacrifice too… time with kids, sleep, stress, being healthy, etc

People that play the suffering olympics will always lose.

Uh, not all SAHP. I completely understand my DH is sacrificing a ton for his family. He does more than necessary but I know that we are much of his motivation. You’re right that the suffering olympics is counterproductive but I don’t see how you can say that SAHP don’t get it.

OP I think you and your wife are both misunderstanding each other. This is such a common phenomenon and I think every couple goes through it at some point. We seek to be understood before we seek to understand and it leads to disconnection. It’s human nature, but such a shame.

I will point out that even though she does enjoy a wealthier life because of your tremendous efforts, that may not have been her choice. She might have been comfortable with less money in exchange for your emotional investment. But if she didn’t communicate that, that was a mistake on her part.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

No but here’s the thing, from her perspective: your “sacrifice” working harder than you otherwise would have without a family has brought you acclaim, status, and satisfaction. Her sacrifice has brought her the opposite.

I think she simply has regrets. I can totally relate because I had a DH who traveled a great deal so I stayed at home with the kids and when they were older, I became a caretaker to my parents. I rationalize that I did what was best for the family at the time. My kids are truly out of the house (late 20’s) so, my job with them is over. I wouldn’t jump to affair, but you two need a reset. Ask (and really listen) as to what you can do to make her day/life easier. Does she want to work FT or PT? Encourage that and take over some responsibilities with the kids. My DH ALWAYS had my back with the kids and the house. If it was important to me, it became important to him. My advice is to talk to her and don’t give up hope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

This is what SAHP don’t understand.., they say they sacrificed… career, time, etc.

But working parent sacrifice too… time with kids, sleep, stress, being healthy, etc

People that play the suffering olympics will always lose.

Anonymous wrote:OP- I long to move out and be alone for a few months when DC move on the college. Would love some me time and space. Don’t need a divorce just a reset.

Only advice is to sit down and talk about what she is aiming for. Agree marriage counseling may be a good opportunity when she is ready.

This.

How much have you and she actually talked? In detail?

It sound as if she is being fairly vague, OP, and you are tiptoeing around afraid to be blunt and both ask and listen because you fear if you dive into this you'll drive her farther away. Is that the case?

I know you're being a bit circumspect here in your posts but do you absolutely love her and want to remain married? Enough that you will change how you do things and how you and she operate as couple now that the child-rearing is done? Another PP had a good point: Is it possible she is still (after child-rearing is mostly done) the one who is expected to handle house stuff, general family business, arranging your social lives, etc.? (To be clear -- it may even be that SHE expects that of herself and you're not necessarily sitting there demanding it of her. I'm the DW and I realize I do put pressure on myself to be the organizer like when the kid was at home, and it's not necessarily DH pressuring me to have that role, it's me, myself, and I'm learning to drop that mindset.)

But you need to get proactive, yesterday, if you want to stay married. "What do we need to do to make you feel you have the space you need? What specifically can I do to give you that support and alone time within our marriage? Because I love you and don't want to divorce, and I want to say out loud that I fear if you move out even temporarily we are going to end up divorced. Please walk through this with me and let's consider together how I can, frankly, get out of the way of our marriage." Or whatever language works. She may need to hear out loud some things you might be assuming she already "knows."

Marriage counseling/couples therapy could be an excellent help though she may at this time feel that's not where she wants to go. She may be mentally and physically exhausted. Tell her you recognize that and ask how you can help and what you can change at home or about your expectations. (Even if you feel you don't expect her to do or be whatever. Ask how she perceives your expectations. Be prepared to listen without getting defensive even if you disagree.)

A great deal depends on how much you are willing to be open to "how do I make space for you to be 'alone' within our marriage, and what does alone mean for you?" Also--you and she may need, once she's got her alone time set up, eventually to do more together and reconnect as an adult couple, if she's been very kid-centric and you've been very work-focused. It's crucial. DH and I have done just that since DC went to college and it has truly been great for our marriage.

Also, OP -- does she have interests and activities of her OWN that do not involve you and are not/were not kid-based? If she spent years only doing family things, and her activities were all basicaly taking kids to THEIR activities, and her friends were all the parents of your kids' friends and not really friends who know her as her own, adult, separate self --that may be the real problem here. Think hard about that. I know moms who talked about leaving or just needing to be alone and quiet too, and in every case, they sort of realized they had nothing of "their own" once the kids were away at college or in later years of high school.

If that got covered in an earlier post by you and I missed it -- sorry, and moot point. Wishing you the best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Since you have to ask….

Too late to fight for her. You should have done that over the 20 years she ran the whole household and raised the kids herself.

The only way to fight now in this Too Little Too Late scenario is to profusely apologize and show gratitude via behaviors and actions.

OP here, perhaps I shouldn't take this response so personally but what does this mean? I worked my tail off for the family and provide a very comfortable if not wealthy existence. And I was home when I could be. She wanted to leave the workforce. I am happy to help her transition but I don't see this as my fault - or hers.

I don’t think you should have done something differently… your wife probably never communicated her needs.

Anonymous wrote:After the kids left for college, did she still do all the house cleaning, dealing with household repairs? Did you expect dinner on the table every night and a real dinner, not just cheese and crackers or a salad? Did she still do your laundry, change your sheets? Notice when you need new clothes and order them online? PLan all the holidays? Do all the grocery shopping? Tkae the dog to the vet?

When I fantasize about living alone, I fantasize about not having to make dinner every night, not having to share the TV with someone else, not having to be responsible for someone else's wardrobe and social obligations and not having a pet.

If it's the drudgery that she's reacting to, maybe you could sign up for a meal service that sends you the ingredients and start making dinner yourself. Maybe you could buy your own clothes, take the dog to the vet, etc.

Alternately, you could remain married but she could 'spend a lot of time at the beach house' like one of our friends does.

OP here, ironically we do have a beach house. I asked her why she doesn't just spend some time there to reset and she said that feels like "my place" that she didn't contribute to since she hasn't worked. Before I am accused of it, I am the least controlling person when it comes to money, we have one account, we are financially blessed, we don't budget, she can spend whatever she wants although neither of us are flashy or spendthrifts.

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

It's hard to be a woman in your 40s. It is. Not saying it isn't hard to be man in your 40s. But that's another post.

OP, what do YOU want? Do you want to separte and divorce?

Have you asked her what this REALLY means? Does she want to be alone temporarily? forever? just sometimes?

Would it help if she had a small space to herself (a tiny house in the country? an apartment in the city?) that she could go a couple days a week? Does she need more alone time on a daily/weekly/yearly basis?

My parent have been married a LONG time. But they also spend time apart when my mom goes to do things, or just do alone time in another state. My dad visits, but it is her place, for her comfort.

There may be creative and better ways to make this work than just her leaving. You might have to start with her taking 3-6 months alone - and then she maybe will reset, recharge, and return.

BTW, do you have kids? If so, how old are they?

So many women in straight marriages feel this way.