Reply to How to Make Friends with Likeminded Moms, esp. Working Moms

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, thanks for all the advice so far. To clarify a few things:

(1) Yes, I have a husband, he's awesome, we talk about everything, but I'd love a couple close friends as well.

(2) No, I do not ONLY want to talk about deep topics. I really enjoy talking about kids and travel and food and gossip. But I *also* want to talk about running and growing my company, challenges in managing my team, and other work stuff (and hearing about other people's work experiences too!) And I want to talk about social issues, like billionaire philanthropy and voter suppression and antiracism curriculum in schools, all the latest news/drama about the backlash at top public and private schools, and so on.

If you are not interested in these topics, it's cool, many people aren't. But my question is how to find people who are (and who are also looking for new friends).

(3) No, I do not have autism (?!?!?) and I am aware of how small talk works. And I know that relationships take time. I have put lots of time into getting to know people, before the pandemic we were doing many playdates, parties, and moms nights out. Since people kept inviting me to these things, I don't think I pushed them away with my horrible social skills. But even when I got to know people more closely, they just did not share my interests and we never became close friends.

(4) Why am I looking for parent friends...because people who don't also have young kids don't really get that whole side of me. Also, people without young kids are on totally different schedules...between work and kids, I'm also really busy I don't have a ton of time for adults-only events.

Probably the most insightful piece of advice here has been that I'm looking for too much -- different friends fulfill different needs. I hear that, but I think lots of people have 1-2 best friends who can relate to them on all levels and talk about anything.

I know this is possible, because I actually had two close mom friends like this when my oldest was just born. We lived in a big city and it was much easier to meet people. Those friendships were amazing, but we all moved to different parts of the country and so we can't see each other. By the way, with both of those women, the connection was obvious right away. We clicked on the playground and within days we were talking like old friends about everything under the sun. But since moving, I've met probably 200-300 different parents (over the course of a few years) and never found anyone like that again. 
[/quote]

OP, a couple of thoughts:

You listed a whole lot of things you'd like to talk about. I am the same way, so I get it. But I don't understand how you think you are going to get ALL of that in the package of another mom who works part-time and has kids around the same age as your kids. I mean, maybe you could get that lucky, but rather than continuing to search for that unicorn, it makes more sense to find various people who fill those slots.

You say you had two best friends when your oldest was born. I get that they don't live near you anymore, but my best friend doesn't live near me either, so the majority of our interactions are over the phone. We wake up really early in the morning so we can walk and talk. Yes, it's way more fun when we're actually in the same place at the same time, but you have to be creative about the ways you're going to spend time with people. Talking on the phone, doing video chats, and texting are ways people get close to others. In fact, with one of my mom friends, the deepest conversations we've ever had, surrounding heavy topics like addiction and racism, have happened over text. That's because when we see each other in person it's usually either with a larger group or with our kids or when we're trying to just have fun and get a pedicure or something.

Some of the most interesting conversations I've had with other friends have been in book club - we pick provocative or thought-provoking books and have some really deep conversations about them. We only discuss those issues once a month during book club, but it's possible that finding an outlet like that could scratch one of your itches. Also, while the book club members are in my neighborhood, we did several virtual sessions during the beginning of COVID and then when it was too cold for us to be able to meet outside and spread out. Not ideal, but still, they were satisfying.

I feel like a multi-faceted person, which it sounds like you are as well. However, if I had to consider the people I had conversations about various topics with, it would be a long list. Some people I talk to about child issues (like serious, personal issues, not just which swim team is the best) - those people are non-judgmental and not competitive so we can be honest about our kids and know that it's a safe place. Some people I talk to about things like racism - those often happen to be my friends who are POC because I want to understand their experiences and opinions and also my friends who spend time reading or thinking about that topic. Some people I talk to about addiction in a family - those people are ones who have been through it in one form or another as well. Some people I talk to about work-related topics because we are in the same field and experiencing the same issues. And so on and so forth. Even my best best friend of more than half my life doesn't check all those boxes! And frankly, neither does my husband, because the addiction is on my side of the family, not his. Of my other really close friends, many check multiple boxes, but none check them all. None. [/quote]

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