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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ok, I understand why you don't want to focus on specific examples,  because DCUM does usually grab hold of them and miss the bigger picture.  But I'm not following your examples at all (the cousins thing was indecipherable).

I'm glad you said you were in therapy because I think you need to think about your contributions to this dynamic.  But at the same time, I think you're overly invested in labels and diagnoses.

Let's pick the one example - easter.  What does it mean he claims credit?  Why is there any credit to claim?  What is it you're looking for?  What if you "drop the rope" - who cares if he claims credit?  Anyone with an eyeball knows what you did and what your contribution is.  I think if you want him to acknowledge and thank you, you need to accept you are probably never going to get that.  So you do you - do what you want, and take pleasure in the acts you do themselves, not whether you "get credit."  I'd explore in therapy why it matter so much to you and why you view it as triangulating.

I'm more concerned about the golden child/less favored child dynamic you describe with your kids.  THat's harmful.  I wonder how old your kids are?  I suppose, to extend easter, you view it as husband claims credit, DD fawns all over daddy for all the things for easter, and you feel excluded from DD?  Again, here I'd just drop the rope.  If you're a strong, steady, loving presence in your children's lives, they will know this.  It is natural for kids to favor one parent over another at various points.  Just stay the course.  (and quit labeling your kids, yourself).

Why is separating off the table?  Just curious.  Do you love your DH?

I think, overall, given the image you've described, you're never, ever, going otget exactly what you need/want from your  husband.  Decide what you will get from him, and whether you can live with it, and if you can live with it, you need ot make peace with it - which means not letting it get to you.  [/quote]

God, read the thread. A few posters have laid out in detail what is going on.[/quote]

I read the entire thread.  A few posters relayed what was happening in THEIR lives - but OP has been vague and confusing about what is going on in HER life.  What does claiming credit for Easter mean?  (And the cousin thing was never explained).  Again, I do agree it is difficult to be married to someone like this, but OP is playing a role in the dynamic too.  As can example, I have purchased 90% of the presents/holiday gifts/whatever for our two kids, but I sign all the cards Mommy and Daddy, and he is thanked as much as I am (and not at all if it's from Santa or the Easter bunny).

Every question I asked - what does claiming credit mean?  Do you love your husband?  Why is separated off the table? has not been answered thus far.

But mostly, my point was that due to whatever reasons (OP's pop physchology of diagnosing everyone in DH's family with something), DH is unlikely to magically change.  OP is in control of herself and her responses.  [/quote]

Not OP. I’m the pp with the crazy mom. You’re right that diagnoses won’t really change anything about their behaviors, but it’s sort of like it legitimizes your experiences if you’re in OP’s situation if you know it’s a real illness and there’s a diagnosable reason to explain why a person is behaving the way they do. It also gives a chance for hope that things can get better. But mostly it helps you feel like you’re not crazy when people on the outside looking in are saying it can’t be that bad, and the person who’s supposed to love you most is undermining and gaslighting you to the point that it’s interfering with your relationship with your children. That’s probably why OP is looking for a diagnosis. After she knows why, she can start to figure out what’s the best way for her to move forward.

As far as taking credit for Easter goes, again, not OP and not trying to speak for her, but when you live with this as your normal, saying taking credit for Easter seems self explanatory, so I get why OP isn’t explaining it further. Then when someone questions it, you feel self conscious because you start to realize it’s not normal, and you’re probably about to be told you’re overreacting or crazy yourself. I’m guessing (based on experiences I’ve had) that taking credit for Easter means OP got the Easter outfits, took care of Easter baskets, scheduled Easter dinner (or Easter zoom or whatever extended family events happened), took care of cooking Easter dinner (or at least made the dish her family took to the extended family event), helped get the kids get dressed that morning, made sure the day stayed on track, took photos of the kids, etc. Then DH talked to whomever would listen about how exhausted he is from all the work, or how he always goes overboard and puts too much candy in the basket, or if the kids are old enough not to believe in the Easter bunny he probably led them to believe he took care of the baskets/gifts. If OP calls him out for any of it, I’m guessing he will be over dramatic and passive aggressive thanking her for everything she does. It’ll also make her look petty if she corrects the record in front of anyone else.

And for people saying drop the rope, let him plan the next event, that’ll backfire too. Here’s how that’ll go. Even if she gives him warning, he’ll most likely not do anything. Then he’ll blame her, even if he agreed to take charge, and he’ll do it just as publicly and passive aggressively as he took credit for Easter. Then, he’ll probably do something later to make up for it, like take the kids on an outing or buy a special gift since mommy forgot about Easter. Or, he’ll go so over the top, he’ll take it to crazy levels to prove how great he is at holidays. Like get them baby chicks or a rabbit for Easter, but then never help with caring for it. All with constant reminders of how last Easter, OP didn’t think he did enough, so this year he had to step it up. And then constantly taking credit for the damn bunny or whatever nonsense he brings into their home, leaving OP with more work and frustration.

OP, it’s probably not going to get any better. Even if it does, are you going to trust that he won’t revert? How often are you ok with him not respecting boundaries if you set them? Either learn to let go of the expectation that he is going to stop gaslighting you and behave normally, or figure out what boundaries you can live with and follow through. If you enforce boundaries, he’ll either change or you’ll change the situation in a way that makes you happier. [/quote]

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