Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I understand why you don't want to focus on specific examples, because DCUM does usually grab hold of them and miss the bigger picture. But I'm not following your examples at all (the cousins thing was indecipherable).

I'm glad you said you were in therapy because I think you need to think about your contributions to this dynamic. But at the same time, I think you're overly invested in labels and diagnoses.

Let's pick the one example - easter. What does it mean he claims credit? Why is there any credit to claim? What is it you're looking for? What if you "drop the rope" - who cares if he claims credit? Anyone with an eyeball knows what you did and what your contribution is. I think if you want him to acknowledge and thank you, you need to accept you are probably never going to get that. So you do you - do what you want, and take pleasure in the acts you do themselves, not whether you "get credit." I'd explore in therapy why it matter so much to you and why you view it as triangulating.

I'm more concerned about the golden child/less favored child dynamic you describe with your kids. THat's harmful. I wonder how old your kids are? I suppose, to extend easter, you view it as husband claims credit, DD fawns all over daddy for all the things for easter, and you feel excluded from DD? Again, here I'd just drop the rope. If you're a strong, steady, loving presence in your children's lives, they will know this. It is natural for kids to favor one parent over another at various points. Just stay the course. (and quit labeling your kids, yourself).

Why is separating off the table? Just curious. Do you love your DH?

I think, overall, given the image you've described, you're never, ever, going otget exactly what you need/want from your husband. Decide what you will get from him, and whether you can live with it, and if you can live with it, you need ot make peace with it - which means not letting it get to you.

God, read the thread. A few posters have laid out in detail what is going on.

I read the entire thread. A few posters relayed what was happening in THEIR lives - but OP has been vague and confusing about what is going on in HER life. What does claiming credit for Easter mean? (And the cousin thing was never explained). Again, I do agree it is difficult to be married to someone like this, but OP is playing a role in the dynamic too. As can example, I have purchased 90% of the presents/holiday gifts/whatever for our two kids, but I sign all the cards Mommy and Daddy, and he is thanked as much as I am (and not at all if it's from Santa or the Easter bunny).

Every question I asked - what does claiming credit mean? Do you love your husband? Why is separated off the table? has not been answered thus far.

But mostly, my point was that due to whatever reasons (OP's pop physchology of diagnosing everyone in DH's family with something), DH is unlikely to magically change. OP is in control of herself and her responses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I understand why you don't want to focus on specific examples, because DCUM does usually grab hold of them and miss the bigger picture. But I'm not following your examples at all (the cousins thing was indecipherable).

I'm glad you said you were in therapy because I think you need to think about your contributions to this dynamic. But at the same time, I think you're overly invested in labels and diagnoses.

Let's pick the one example - easter. What does it mean he claims credit? Why is there any credit to claim? What is it you're looking for? What if you "drop the rope" - who cares if he claims credit? Anyone with an eyeball knows what you did and what your contribution is. I think if you want him to acknowledge and thank you, you need to accept you are probably never going to get that. So you do you - do what you want, and take pleasure in the acts you do themselves, not whether you "get credit." I'd explore in therapy why it matter so much to you and why you view it as triangulating.

I'm more concerned about the golden child/less favored child dynamic you describe with your kids. THat's harmful. I wonder how old your kids are? I suppose, to extend easter, you view it as husband claims credit, DD fawns all over daddy for all the things for easter, and you feel excluded from DD? Again, here I'd just drop the rope. If you're a strong, steady, loving presence in your children's lives, they will know this. It is natural for kids to favor one parent over another at various points. Just stay the course. (and quit labeling your kids, yourself).

Why is separating off the table? Just curious. Do you love your DH?

I think, overall, given the image you've described, you're never, ever, going otget exactly what you need/want from your husband. Decide what you will get from him, and whether you can live with it, and if you can live with it, you need ot make peace with it - which means not letting it get to you.

God, read the thread. A few posters have laid out in detail what is going on.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I understand why you don't want to focus on specific examples, because DCUM does usually grab hold of them and miss the bigger picture. But I'm not following your examples at all (the cousins thing was indecipherable).

I'm glad you said you were in therapy because I think you need to think about your contributions to this dynamic. But at the same time, I think you're overly invested in labels and diagnoses.

Let's pick the one example - easter. What does it mean he claims credit? Why is there any credit to claim? What is it you're looking for? What if you "drop the rope" - who cares if he claims credit? Anyone with an eyeball knows what you did and what your contribution is. I think if you want him to acknowledge and thank you, you need to accept you are probably never going to get that. So you do you - do what you want, and take pleasure in the acts you do themselves, not whether you "get credit." I'd explore in therapy why it matter so much to you and why you view it as triangulating.

I'm more concerned about the golden child/less favored child dynamic you describe with your kids. THat's harmful. I wonder how old your kids are? I suppose, to extend easter, you view it as husband claims credit, DD fawns all over daddy for all the things for easter, and you feel excluded from DD? Again, here I'd just drop the rope. If you're a strong, steady, loving presence in your children's lives, they will know this. It is natural for kids to favor one parent over another at various points. Just stay the course. (and quit labeling your kids, yourself).

Why is separating off the table? Just curious. Do you love your DH?

I think, overall, given the image you've described, you're never, ever, going otget exactly what you need/want from your husband. Decide what you will get from him, and whether you can live with it, and if you can live with it, you need ot make peace with it - which means not letting it get to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope. Stop doing any of this. If he wants a special meal, or to celebrate a holiday in a certain way, say "great! I look forward to seeing what you come up with". He cannot make you lift a finger. Once he sees how much work this is, perhaps he'll back off a bit.

Kid will suffer

He will love that everyone sunk to his low denominator: everybody does nothing.

Anonymous wrote:Just keep living your beat life for you and your children.

Do the tradition! Do the holidays! Do the vacations! Do the parties! Do the arts, crafts, sports, shows!

You’re normal, do your normal to raise the kids.

Don’t let H and his family tell you that holidays, caring, and planning fun stuff and doing it is “crazy.” They’re they crazy ones, and probably clinically so!

I married into a family like this. They do nothing. Nothing! They sit at home and read the internet. One never worked, the other got fired at age 50 but lived off public stock compensation. They don’t understand why anyone would go out the dinner, go to a beach, play organized sports, buy clothes not make them, or talk at dinner. They’re on the spectrum, that’s their normal: doing nothing.

I stopped giving a damn about what they thought - since it was usually nothing - years ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. It’s one of those behaviors that are so abnormal, just downright absurd, it seems like you must be imagining it. Add in the plausible deniability, and it’s usually not worth confronting someone about it. Then it keeps happening, and it becomes your normal, and when you try to get help people don’t believe you because again, it’s absurd.

My spouse isn’t like that exactly, but my mom is. It’s like she couldn’t maintain a relationship with one person for an extended period of time, so she would have to create drama and take breaks, and she also wasn’t capable of having good relationships with multiple people (especially women) at the same time, so she’d create drama to split groups up and switch who she was BFFs with every few months.

It was hard for me and my sister growing up with her, because she modeled bad relationships and we learned a lot of bad habits. We weren’t total mean girls, but close enough. My mom also tried to put my sister and me against each other, because if we we’re in a disagreement, we’d both try to get mom to side with us, and it would turn into a competition for her favor. The added bonus for her was that she got to play the martyr role because her children were so challenging, despite her being the best mother ever, so more drama with her at the center.

When I had kids, she started doing some things that sound sort of like your husband. She might suggest I get them some difficult to obtain gift and I’d do all the leg work while she got all the credit. Or I’d invite her to some outing and I all the planning, and she’d take all the credit. She couldn’t handle that Santa and the Easter bunny got attention, so she’d always have Santa and EB gifts at her house too and say they made a special visit, then she’d say it was all her because she couldn’t handle giving credit to anyone else. Her shenanigans led to my oldest figuring out the truth about Santa. She also had to give the biggest, best present. And she had to go first. I think she gave my kids iPads for Christmas when they were 4&6, after we asked her not to. We started opening presents and about 2 gifts in, she said she couldn’t wait anymore and they needed to open those next. After they opened those, nothing else held their interest.

If I ever called her out on something, she’d gaslight and say she never intended to make it seem she was the only one deserving of credit and then spend the rest of the event sarcastically drawing attention to everything I’d do (for example, thank your mom for tying your shoe, she worked really hard to make sure your shoes are tied). And if I’d tell her not to do something because it was over the top, she’d either do it anyway, or tell the kids I wouldn’t let her do whatever it was (for example, I said she could not buy them a puppy, so when they’d play with her dog and say they wished they had a dog too, she’d say “I was going to get you one but your mom won’t allow it. She told me I couldn’t come visit you anymore if I bought you a dog.” Then they started being afraid that grandma wouldn’t be allowed to visit anymore. So manipulative.)

Eventually the kids saw through it. No real advice, but I feel you. It’s hard to explain it to someone who hasn’t lived it, because any one incident isn’t so bad. It’s the pattern. I never figured out a way to handle it that was effective other than going no contact. Otherwise I’d set a boundary, she’d abide by it until I got comfortable and felt safe, then she’d be overcome by temptation and cross the boundary every time.

Wow, PP, that sounds so challenging. Are you currently no-contact with her?

Yes. There’s no going back for me. I’ll never trust my parents. At the end I felt like I was constantly waiting for them to pull some crazy stunt. When we cut off contact, I felt such relief. I’ve mourned the loss of my relationship with my parents. I don’t wish them ill. I feel nothing at all for them beyond a little bit of pity, because their parents were even worse, and there’s clearly mental illness at play. It’s not their fault they had those circumstances, but it’s their fault they chose to try to drag my sister and me down to their level instead of boosting us up.

I felt for OP because so many people who know my parents think I’m making up stories when I tell the crazy stuff they did. Or they think I’m overreacting. The same way people responded to her here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. It’s one of those behaviors that are so abnormal, just downright absurd, it seems like you must be imagining it. Add in the plausible deniability, and it’s usually not worth confronting someone about it. Then it keeps happening, and it becomes your normal, and when you try to get help people don’t believe you because again, it’s absurd.

My spouse isn’t like that exactly, but my mom is. It’s like she couldn’t maintain a relationship with one person for an extended period of time, so she would have to create drama and take breaks, and she also wasn’t capable of having good relationships with multiple people (especially women) at the same time, so she’d create drama to split groups up and switch who she was BFFs with every few months.

It was hard for me and my sister growing up with her, because she modeled bad relationships and we learned a lot of bad habits. We weren’t total mean girls, but close enough. My mom also tried to put my sister and me against each other, because if we we’re in a disagreement, we’d both try to get mom to side with us, and it would turn into a competition for her favor. The added bonus for her was that she got to play the martyr role because her children were so challenging, despite her being the best mother ever, so more drama with her at the center.

When I had kids, she started doing some things that sound sort of like your husband. She might suggest I get them some difficult to obtain gift and I’d do all the leg work while she got all the credit. Or I’d invite her to some outing and I all the planning, and she’d take all the credit. She couldn’t handle that Santa and the Easter bunny got attention, so she’d always have Santa and EB gifts at her house too and say they made a special visit, then she’d say it was all her because she couldn’t handle giving credit to anyone else. Her shenanigans led to my oldest figuring out the truth about Santa. She also had to give the biggest, best present. And she had to go first. I think she gave my kids iPads for Christmas when they were 4&6, after we asked her not to. We started opening presents and about 2 gifts in, she said she couldn’t wait anymore and they needed to open those next. After they opened those, nothing else held their interest.

If I ever called her out on something, she’d gaslight and say she never intended to make it seem she was the only one deserving of credit and then spend the rest of the event sarcastically drawing attention to everything I’d do (for example, thank your mom for tying your shoe, she worked really hard to make sure your shoes are tied). And if I’d tell her not to do something because it was over the top, she’d either do it anyway, or tell the kids I wouldn’t let her do whatever it was (for example, I said she could not buy them a puppy, so when they’d play with her dog and say they wished they had a dog too, she’d say “I was going to get you one but your mom won’t allow it. She told me I couldn’t come visit you anymore if I bought you a dog.” Then they started being afraid that grandma wouldn’t be allowed to visit anymore. So manipulative.)

Eventually the kids saw through it. No real advice, but I feel you. It’s hard to explain it to someone who hasn’t lived it, because any one incident isn’t so bad. It’s the pattern. I never figured out a way to handle it that was effective other than going no contact. Otherwise I’d set a boundary, she’d abide by it until I got comfortable and felt safe, then she’d be overcome by temptation and cross the boundary every time.

Wow, PP, that sounds so challenging. Are you currently no-contact with her?

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. It’s one of those behaviors that are so abnormal, just downright absurd, it seems like you must be imagining it. Add in the plausible deniability, and it’s usually not worth confronting someone about it. Then it keeps happening, and it becomes your normal, and when you try to get help people don’t believe you because again, it’s absurd.

My spouse isn’t like that exactly, but my mom is. It’s like she couldn’t maintain a relationship with one person for an extended period of time, so she would have to create drama and take breaks, and she also wasn’t capable of having good relationships with multiple people (especially women) at the same time, so she’d create drama to split groups up and switch who she was BFFs with every few months.

It was hard for me and my sister growing up with her, because she modeled bad relationships and we learned a lot of bad habits. We weren’t total mean girls, but close enough. My mom also tried to put my sister and me against each other, because if we we’re in a disagreement, we’d both try to get mom to side with us, and it would turn into a competition for her favor. The added bonus for her was that she got to play the martyr role because her children were so challenging, despite her being the best mother ever, so more drama with her at the center.

When I had kids, she started doing some things that sound sort of like your husband. She might suggest I get them some difficult to obtain gift and I’d do all the leg work while she got all the credit. Or I’d invite her to some outing and I all the planning, and she’d take all the credit. She couldn’t handle that Santa and the Easter bunny got attention, so she’d always have Santa and EB gifts at her house too and say they made a special visit, then she’d say it was all her because she couldn’t handle giving credit to anyone else. Her shenanigans led to my oldest figuring out the truth about Santa. She also had to give the biggest, best present. And she had to go first. I think she gave my kids iPads for Christmas when they were 4&6, after we asked her not to. We started opening presents and about 2 gifts in, she said she couldn’t wait anymore and they needed to open those next. After they opened those, nothing else held their interest.

If I ever called her out on something, she’d gaslight and say she never intended to make it seem she was the only one deserving of credit and then spend the rest of the event sarcastically drawing attention to everything I’d do (for example, thank your mom for tying your shoe, she worked really hard to make sure your shoes are tied). And if I’d tell her not to do something because it was over the top, she’d either do it anyway, or tell the kids I wouldn’t let her do whatever it was (for example, I said she could not buy them a puppy, so when they’d play with her dog and say they wished they had a dog too, she’d say “I was going to get you one but your mom won’t allow it. She told me I couldn’t come visit you anymore if I bought you a dog.” Then they started being afraid that grandma wouldn’t be allowed to visit anymore. So manipulative.)

Eventually the kids saw through it. No real advice, but I feel you. It’s hard to explain it to someone who hasn’t lived it, because any one incident isn’t so bad. It’s the pattern. I never figured out a way to handle it that was effective other than going no contact. Otherwise I’d set a boundary, she’d abide by it until I got comfortable and felt safe, then she’d be overcome by temptation and cross the boundary every time.