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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I hear you.  Could you document the racism in DH's social/family circles?  Does anyone here think that would help/ensure a full custody arrangement? [/quote]
I have A LOT of documentation. Over the years, I started writing his parents e-mails raising their racist comments with them. I also got copies of racist things they wrote about me. Not to mention so many other examples that aren't documented. But even then, nothing is guaranteed as far as custody goes. Lawyers I've consulted have told me that family court turns on the judge you get. Some white Boomer judge who is himself someone's racist in law might rule that DH has learned his lesson and can be trusted to share custody. Right now, with DH's relatives banned from the house and any FT conversations happening with my earshot, my children are safe. No more comments about how the boy has to be watched before his "other side" kicks in and he steals something. No more comments about my toddler daughter showing "slutty" tendencies. I kid you not. These people have said that and worse about my children while my husband did nothing. I will never forgive him, but I have to be pragmatic.[/quote]

I'm no legal expert but if you have this documentation, wouldn't that be enough for at least a supervised visit with DH if he has the kids[/quote]
OP here. One would think so. The divorce lawyer I hired is really good and I was fired up to go to court and be done with this bullshit until we started discussing custody. She says that there just aren’t enough cases like this for it to be clear that being subjected to racism by the extended family, instead of the actual parent, is enough. She also made very clear to me that there’s a difference between the court order on paper and what parents will comply with. I can spend the rest of my life dragging her to court for not complying with supervision.She also made very clear to me that there’s a difference between the court order on paper and what parents will comply with. I could spend the rest of my life dragging him to court for exposing the kids to his family unsupervised. I also wouldn’t know until after if he had them at his house while the kids were over. Her advice really took the wind out of my sails, but was confirmed by two other lawyers I also consulted. According to another lawyer, 20 years ago when the presumption was in favor of the mother getting custody, this would’ve been a slam dunk full custody case. The law has changed though.[/quote]

Your lawyer is right. Nowadays if in VA, it is almost impossible to fight 50/50 custody if one spouse wants it. I was in a terrible marriage living completely separate lives since my first kid was conceived in a shock one time in 6 months accident. I had already wanted out of the marriage and he knew I did not want to get pregnant and forced the issue. The feeling of not being married and being roommates and having to have a child together is what happened from the moment I was pregnant. You asked of living separate lives gets better but no it does not it actually just gets worse and the longer the years go on the more dead you feel inside. I stayed eight more years after that first conception. I finally divorced after 10 years total of marriage when my youngest child wasn’t preschool. There was nothing between the two conceptions and also a freak accident. After literally eight years of being completely numb I had to just get out and it was really disappointing and I knew that I would have to do 50-50 custody because if I wanted to fight it it would’ve taken years and an enormous amount of money and I probably would’ve lost anyway but I knew that I could not spend any more years living like that anymore.[/quote]

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