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[quote=Anonymous]Observation: nothing about your family and marriage appears to be "team" based but rather you vs husband. Each/both of you see everything as transactional and to be divided or jealously guarded--whether time with you kids (which , I get, little ones are hard, but where is together family time?); or your finances (I can't even really understand with the accounts, but that doesn't matter, the point is that each of you views the other as a threat--to time, to money/financial security, etc. You are each in a war and it is unwinnable and you are so far down the hole you can't get your way out without a  ton of effort.

I dont have great advice, except your problems are bigger than divided weekend time or whatever. I also think the biggest source of your resentment is that your husband has not gotten a 'real' job in the past 4.5 years and refuses to consider anything that might just be a decent, good job for the family. That would infuriate me too. But I do not think you will get anywhere right now, during a pandemic, working from home, with small children, and this amount of anger. my suggestion is that for the time being, you get part time care for the kids. Yes, you feel like it gives your DH a pass but it also, for now, reduces the source of fighting and frankly you need to back off on that and take care of yourself. Secondly, it takes away his excuses for not working. Thirdly, you two need counseling.

Not sure you can save the marriage, but maybe. Honestly, though, I think that if i were you, I'd back off, no matter how angry you are and unfair it seems, get your kids out of the house for a good chunk of the day (or have a nanny from after nap to dinner time) and the funds for the nanny will come from joint funds and you'll have to cut back in other areas. If he balks, then he needs to be willing to entertain/watch/educate the kids from 9 am to 5 pm, while you are on your job. The rest of the time can be split evenly. This is the same advice I have for SAHP--during the regular work day, each parent is working, one out of the house and one in the house. THe rest of the time, kid and house duties should be split. SAHP should make reasonable effort to take care of house things during the day if possible, but that depends on ages of kids. etc.

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