Immediate PP here. I reread your OP and want to make a couple points.

He said what he said in the beginning of the pandemic. Its been a LONG slog. Its hard to do stuff right now with young kids. So, you know what--the arrangement is not working out for him anymore. While this may feel frustrating to you because of work and finances, I think the reasonable solution is to get a nanny or daycare or something. Just do it. This is one HUGE source of stress that is removed.

secondly you do not communicate because you are so angry, But you do communicate that you are angry in many ways. . This is not healthy. You have a lot of work to do as well on dealing with your feelings (maybe teletherapy) and finding a place and way back to your husband to talk about things.

Forget the childcare and bean counting. and get to a place where you can each state a vision of what your want your lives to be like and family life together. I am willing to bet that if your DH got a full time job, even if not as high earning as before, 90% of your resentment would go away. That's the issue that is at the core of this, and your anger toward him is because you perceive him to be selfish by holding out for an unrealistic job (its been close to 5 years--his prospects are getting worse, not better, and someone needs to give him a dose of reality).

Take a deep breath, realize that this is temporary, put aside a lot of your resentment until you are in a place that you can process it more healthily. Sit down and tell him that you understand this situation is not working for him, and its not working for you, and you need to revisit childcare. That you dont want him stressed and unhappy at home with small kids all day and childcare seems like a better solution, but that is also a financial burden that increases stress and you want to talk about what his goals are for a realistic job pathway forward, or pickig up more contract work, etc. Try, however, to express the concept that you and he are on the same team, trying to solve a problem (pandemic, childcare, work) rather than enemies.

Giving up on certain arguments for teh sake of peace and progress doesn't mean "giving in," it means choosing a wise strategy for the best outcome for your whole family.

Observation: nothing about your family and marriage appears to be "team" based but rather you vs husband. Each/both of you see everything as transactional and to be divided or jealously guarded--whether time with you kids (which , I get, little ones are hard, but where is together family time?); or your finances (I can't even really understand with the accounts, but that doesn't matter, the point is that each of you views the other as a threat--to time, to money/financial security, etc. You are each in a war and it is unwinnable and you are so far down the hole you can't get your way out without a ton of effort.

I dont have great advice, except your problems are bigger than divided weekend time or whatever. I also think the biggest source of your resentment is that your husband has not gotten a 'real' job in the past 4.5 years and refuses to consider anything that might just be a decent, good job for the family. That would infuriate me too. But I do not think you will get anywhere right now, during a pandemic, working from home, with small children, and this amount of anger. my suggestion is that for the time being, you get part time care for the kids. Yes, you feel like it gives your DH a pass but it also, for now, reduces the source of fighting and frankly you need to back off on that and take care of yourself. Secondly, it takes away his excuses for not working. Thirdly, you two need counseling.

Not sure you can save the marriage, but maybe. Honestly, though, I think that if i were you, I'd back off, no matter how angry you are and unfair it seems, get your kids out of the house for a good chunk of the day (or have a nanny from after nap to dinner time) and the funds for the nanny will come from joint funds and you'll have to cut back in other areas. If he balks, then he needs to be willing to entertain/watch/educate the kids from 9 am to 5 pm, while you are on your job. The rest of the time can be split evenly. This is the same advice I have for SAHP--during the regular work day, each parent is working, one out of the house and one in the house. THe rest of the time, kid and house duties should be split. SAHP should make reasonable effort to take care of house things during the day if possible, but that depends on ages of kids. etc.

You’re both awful.

After the pandemic ends you need to divorce your lazy husband ASAP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am floored, disgusted, and legitimately taken aback.
DH and I had a conversation tonight about finances. ONe of our recurring expenses is going up several hundred dollars a month. It is an expense that we have always paid for proportionately. Background- we have always been a 3 account family: his mine ours. We both put into several joint accounts, and then we maintain our own separate money. I know that many people just do 1 big pot and don't maintain individual accounts, but that's never been our practice, just as background info.

In the conversation, DH asked what the breakdown would be for each of us. I told him. He then launched into a tirade. Stated that he should be able to pull out money from one of our children's savings accounts for HIS SHARE of the additional expense- for 2 reasons...1) that he is on a financial downswing and 2) because he was overly generous in his deposits to the account during a financial upswing several months ago.

I was so floored by this I didn't say a word.

He went on. Stated that I only contribute the minimum of my fair share to our various joint accounts, and he always goes above and beyond. And now, when he could use some financial help with an added expense, it's noteworthy that I'm not enthusiastic about alowing him to pull his amount due from a joint account.

He went on. Asked me to look at the deposit statements for the last 6 months. "I've deposited 4k into this account since October and you only deposited $800." I pointed out to him that yes, I "only" deposit several hundred dollars (without fail) every month. Versus him, who will deposit zero for 10 months and then make a large deposit if and when he has the money.

I calmly said to him that I was taken aback and extremely disappointed to hear such lack of appreciation considering I have carried the family for over 4 years. He said he feels the same lack of appreciation.

I asked to start couples counseling asap.

I am floored.

New PP. I am on your side for all the rest and would be as F* pissed as you are. Now on the joint spending, I have a similar system as you (mine/ours/yours accounts. I have always maintained that system because my DH makes careers choice out of passion and doesn’t feel an obligation to earn more money to support a particular lifestyle for our family (think save the world NGO job on a 9-5 schedule while I work in more cutthroat environment making more money and being way more stressed). I am ok with his choice but I want him to walk the talk And if he wants to plan crazy holidays or put solar panels on our house he cannot ask me to finance more than my share ( I am a saver, he is a spender) .

Anyway, this is all a preliminary to ask: do you have clear and fair rules regarding who puts what in the joint account? Over the past 12 months did you indeed end up putting way more? If yes, he obviously needs to shut up. If not, you are not being fair. But I would ask you to consider one more thing: in our arrangement, as I work longer hours and DH does the pick up and drop off, we also contribute proportionally to the joint account. We put the same % of our salaries... so I put more

I think part of what you’re seeing is that yours, mine and ours finances often don’t work long-term when the default is yours and mine, and ours is what each person chooses to put in (which clearly is what’s happening with you guys since you’re talking about him going months without contributing and he’s talking about you only giving the are minimum). You guys aren’t a team, which you could gloss over when things were going well, but are falling to pieces now that they’re not.

OP here. I am floored, disgusted, and legitimately taken aback.
DH and I had a conversation tonight about finances. ONe of our recurring expenses is going up several hundred dollars a month. It is an expense that we have always paid for proportionately. Background- we have always been a 3 account family: his mine ours. We both put into several joint accounts, and then we maintain our own separate money. I know that many people just do 1 big pot and don't maintain individual accounts, but that's never been our practice, just as background info.

In the conversation, DH asked what the breakdown would be for each of us. I told him. He then launched into a tirade. Stated that he should be able to pull out money from one of our children's savings accounts for HIS SHARE of the additional expense- for 2 reasons...1) that he is on a financial downswing and 2) because he was overly generous in his deposits to the account during a financial upswing several months ago.

I was so floored by this I didn't say a word.

He went on. Stated that I only contribute the minimum of my fair share to our various joint accounts, and he always goes above and beyond. And now, when he could use some financial help with an added expense, it's noteworthy that I'm not enthusiastic about alowing him to pull his amount due from a joint account.

He went on. Asked me to look at the deposit statements for the last 6 months. "I've deposited 4k into this account since October and you only deposited $800." I pointed out to him that yes, I "only" deposit several hundred dollars (without fail) every month. Versus him, who will deposit zero for 10 months and then make a large deposit if and when he has the money.

I calmly said to him that I was taken aback and extremely disappointed to hear such lack of appreciation considering I have carried the family for over 4 years. He said he feels the same lack of appreciation.

I asked to start couples counseling asap.

I am floored.

Team OP.

Threaten divorce and mean it OP. You ARE being taken advantage of and on top of it he has the gall to feel like a victim?

You have to communicate more. It sounds like he doesn’t realize how truly outrageous he is behaving; you have to make it crystal clear.

Anonymous wrote:If the spouse who was complaining about being overwhelmed with the kids was female this would be a completely different thread

Agree. Pp’s husband needs to man up and take care of his kids.

Op, make a schedule. Your work hours are work hours. If he isn’t employed/working a paid job, his “work” is childcare. He needs to treat child care like a paid job and deal, or out the kids back in school. And when they’re back in school, his job is to find a job. Or if it’s not, his job is house care. No one, male or female should be lounging around doing nothing while their spouse works their ass off. I would be resentful too.

Counseling is a must. You also need to get out of the me vs DH mindset. You’re not in a marriage with that mindset and you’ll never be happy. I’m not saying to let the issues slide, but scorekeeping fixes nothing. Start with a clean slate moving forward and work together.

First of all, is it possible that your husband is depressed? I would encourage him to consult a mental health professional to see if there is a real, underlying problem.

Second, you are married, so whatever you bring in plus whatever he brings in is all family money (i.e. YOU would not be paying for childcare).

Finally, you need to hire childcare, even if it’s just part time. I am sure you and your husband both love your kids, but the way your posts read it sounds like you are both at a place where you resent taking care of them (presumably because you resent each other, not your kids). But I would be very concerned about the kids picking up on that resentment which is obviously not healthy for them. So pay for enough help where you can both happily take care of them while you deal with the issues you are having in your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does underemployed means?

+1 to this.
OP's husband is working at will. Not part time or full time in a position lesser than his capabilities.

You all are lying to yourselves if you don't think that making 70% less of your previous income isn't a huge deal...with no plan to change the situation AND not embracing being the primary caregiver while OP works full time?! Come on...

And is OP willing to pick up the slack for her DH to have interviews and spend hours tailoring his resume? Is she willing to let him go into the office full-time to start a job while she takes care of the kids all day? Or will they hire a nanny or send the kids to daycare? I mean, how is she making this happen? She just sounds so selfish and mean in the initial post that I have a hard time believing this is really the full story.

How will she take care of kids all day when she works full-time? I would assume outsourcing childcare would be the play, and a manageable one at that, with 2 stable incomes.

I agree that OP should look into daycare asap, but pretty shitty that she will have to pay for it, since her DH won't work and won't step up at home.

OP, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're experiencing this and that so many people on this thread are somehow blaming you for doing what an adult is supposed to do.

I do not understand at all. Does your DH work for a salary? Or is he a SAHD?

Anonymous wrote:And it seems he doesn’t want to work more or help more. But, when kids sleep in one morning, he is quick to redistribute the childcare. He is a piece of work. I sympathize OP.

THIS

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does underemployed means?

+1 to this.
OP's husband is working at will. Not part time or full time in a position lesser than his capabilities.

You all are lying to yourselves if you don't think that making 70% less of your previous income isn't a huge deal...with no plan to change the situation AND not embracing being the primary caregiver while OP works full time?! Come on...

And is OP willing to pick up the slack for her DH to have interviews and spend hours tailoring his resume? Is she willing to let him go into the office full-time to start a job while she takes care of the kids all day? Or will they hire a nanny or send the kids to daycare? I mean, how is she making this happen? She just sounds so selfish and mean in the initial post that I have a hard time believing this is really the full story.

One of her posts said that he will not apply to 9-5 jobs because they are boring, unlike his prior work. That sounds like the peak of selfishness to me! Being unwilling to even apply for jobs to support your fam?