Reply to Wife resents me for not earning more

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Wife resents me for not earning more"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. [b]She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city).[/b] So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and [b]not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her.[/b] But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok.  But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.[/quote]

She won't compromise on schools, food quality, etc because it's a proxy for parenting.  She feels guilty about not being around more and is trying to make sure that everything she can control is the best available.

You stated upthread that your financial stressors are that you want a house in a good school zone with a short commute and now you're putting that on her.  So you no longer care about commutes and schools?  Instead of taking anything away from the comments in this thread with advice to try to actually improve your situation, you're pivoting further into "she's the one to blame" with every post.  FTR, you applying for jobs (the jobs you've already said you plan to apply for, but now that it could actually help your marriage: "no, that's later") to make more money so she can lean out the way that you already have is not a rescue.  It's a partnership.  Unless you're willing to say that she's currently "rescuing" you with her higher salary?

I thought the people calling you whiny were projecting, but you're devolving into someone it's hard to pity.[/quote]

That's bs. Two GS-15 type salaries could buy a very comfortable life including good schools, short commute, etc. Even if OP's wife halves her salary, they would still be fine.

OP seems fine with downsizing to prioritize what's important to the family (i.e. smaller/older house for a shorter commute).

OP's wife wants a more expensive lifestyle  but wants him to provide it. No one is entitled to a lavish lifestyle that they can't or aren't willing earn for themselves.

She has to decide if she wants a lower paying job with a better work life balance or a more expensive lifestyle that requires a stressful job with longer hours. 
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics