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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Holy cow, was not expecting all that. Some more info, in response to all the questions:

There is a light at the end of the tunnel financially. Our debt is down from 300k to 60k, our youngest will be out of daycare in a year and a half, so that will certainly be a gusher of money (roughly 3500 in take home pay back in our pockets per month). We have dramatically downsized our life, selling a home we were house poor in (another bad decision), and renting an apt instead. Housing costs extremely low. Plus in our defense, we have no credit card debt and both have near perfect credit scores.

What’s the source of our financial stress now? Just affording a down payment and monthly payments on a home in a major east coast city with schools we love and a commute that won’t crush us. What everyone wants. The telework may mitigate the third issue somewhat. Also need to save for college.

Re my wife’s expectations before getting married, this is a major source of my resentment. She never communicated in any way that she’d want to be part-time or stay at home, and that she’d want to marry a primary breadwinner. And I never held myself out as that type. But in fairness to her, we were both clueless about what life would be like with kids, and she probably just didn’t know that about herself. But her criticisms really sting —- I graduated near the top of my class from a good law school, and when I see classmates make partner and provide for their families it really makes me feel terrible. It makes me realize that I wouldn’t blame women for marrying for money. But on the flip side, I am have reasonable options to advance in government beyond a GS-15 (either SES or with a financial regulator, given my area of specialization), and I can see a higher ceiling to my earnings. Just not enough, I guess.

As for housework, look it varies based on how busy we are (remember, I do have a full-time job), so I’d say my median contribution to household and kid tasks is somewhere near 60%, much higher when her work is insane and lower when mine gets busy, which it does sometimes.[/quote]

You should apply for fin reg jobs now (there are more openings than I've ever seen, and if you have experience and are already a fed you'll have a leg up).  She should also be looking for a fed job, unless you're waiting one more bonus cycle or something.  This combo of moves (you at SEC or something, her as a GS-14 in some non-frantic agency) effectively flips your income situation, which is what she says she wants, while keeping you in the exact job trajectory you state that you want.  It's not clear to me why the obvious solution is brought up as a "sometime, eventually, maybe" instead of "this is what we're doing."

You started off this thread saying she resents you and you feel shame, now you're saying you resent her.  If your marriage is worth more than $60k, you need to make some changes.  You might not end up in North Arlington but there are plenty of places where two feds can afford a house and good public schools within commuting distance.

I'll say this just because I haven't seen it mentioned: you quit biglaw because it was killing you and went to a GS-13, which is a huge paycut, even though you guys had huge student loans outstanding.  That was the right choice for you in every personal way based on what you've said about it - you love your job, it has a good work/life balance, you can see an upward path for your career.  Your wife also left a job that she hated, but for more money, and it didn't work out as well for her.  But now she feels like taking a paycut isn't a viable option for her - the new job is incredibly stressful, but you have much higher expenses now than when you made the "lean out" decision, there are kids to think about.  It's not your fault that she feels stuck, but it would be helpful if you understood why she does and were able to validate that feeling.  You got to make the "financially irresponsible" choice of taking a paycut and have reaped benefits, but she feels like that choice is not available to her because you have kids now.  This is a situation you can fix as a team, but you need to be working as a team.  Make sure she knows you support her taking a step back to a lower paying job, and that you have plans (even if they're long-term) to increase your income.[/quote]

+1 million all of this. With the new administration coming in, this is basically a once in a lifetime opportunity for government jobs, especially for you if you’re looking to move up to financial regulation. Your wife can get in the govt too at this point. Yes, it’ll be an overall pay cut but I’d have to believe your HHI with two government attorneys would be at least $250k if not closer to $275k with the potential to earn more after a few years? And you only have $60k debt left. Which isn’t too bad at all.

I wouldn’t post here anymore ... I’d take your questions to the jobs forum at this point. There is a solution and it’s a different job for her and moving up for you. Good luck![/quote]

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