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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m going to get flamed for this, but I think the DW plays a bigger role than the DH in ensuring equality.  Of course there are exceptions.  This doesn’t apply to a man who is 40 and having his mom do his laundry.  Yes, the DH having had a working mom probably helps.

Here are some helpful tips to make sure you’re in a partnership and not a DW who works and is also responsible for everything at home.

1.  Don’t have kids with a man who won’t take parental leave or said he can’t.  If he can’t or won’t then he is saying loud and clear that children are 100% your responsibility.

2.  Leave the house when you have a newborn.  If you breastfeed, then pump.  Don’t provide your DH with instructions besides that there is pumped milk and when you last fed the baby.  Go and see a friend, get a haircut, manicure etc.

3.  When you have an older baby, go away for the weekend.   Don’t leave instructions.

4.  For the love of god, return to work.  If you quit your job, you’re signing up for everything at home.  You will be an unpaid cook, admin, maid, nanny etc

5.  Sit down with your DH and figure out who will do what.   [b]Make a list of everything you need to do.  Doctors appointments, school forms, scheduling childcare etc.  Assign someone to each item.[/b]  Make it clear that this is so you can return to work and continue earning money.

6.  When you’re wedding planning, don’t take over.  Tread carefully.  If you do 100%, then this may continue during your marriage.

7.  Don’t buy presents for in-laws or take on the responsibility of remembering birthdays, holidays etc.  [b]Don’t plan anything the first holiday season.[/b]  The turkey doesn’t just show up on the table.  You may end up facing some consequences for not taking over the holidays, but it will pay off in the long term.

8.  [b]The first time you leave the house with your newborn and Dh, don’t bring diapers.  Don’t bring anything.  Act surprised when you need to change the diaper and there isn’t one.[/b]  Ask your DH where the diaper is.  Wait until he volunteers to go back home or that you need to return home as a family.  Next time he won’t assume you bring the diapers.  If so, then keep repeating this.  He will eventually get it.

9.  Don’t automatically make dinner or buy groceries when you move in together. [b] Don’t buy any groceries.[/b]  Wait until he understands this is not your responsibility.

Most DWs I know who do everything at home have made countless decisions that resulted in this.  Since I have a true partner, it’s easy to spot these little things these women have done that has resulted in their DH doing very little at home.  Some women want to take on everything at home.  That’s ok too.  Keep in mind there are many women who don’t want to work and love homemaking.

Signed, 
Woman with a DH who does 50%

[/quote]

Some of this is good advice, but some is a sign that you evidently felt that you needed to whip your husband into shape, which is not what OP is asking.  She's not saying "how do you force a foot-dragger into equality," she's saying "how can you tell he'll be an equal partner" based on what you saw before marriage/kids.

I didn't do any of this bolded stuff and DH does 50%+ of kid stuff because he's just a doer and I have a more intense job.  I wouldn't leave an infant in a dirty diaper on purpose to train a guy like a seal.  That said, a lot of this stuff - leaving the house, girls' trip when she was a baby, he planned most of the wedding - just came naturally because he is a good partner.  It wasn't a training exercise.[/quote]

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