Reply to Therapy for Infidelity

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s OK to leave your husband at any time in this process.  The truth is that what you want is completely reasonable - a sense of remorse for the hurt he’s caused you as opposed to the hurt he’s experienced as a result of his own actions, some sense that he knows why he did it so he knows how not to do it again, transparency about the past and in the future, a sincere apology, and a long periods of acts on his part that show he is rebuilding and re-earning your trust in him.

But, the truth is that the same character qualities that lead a partner to cheat also lead a partner to be unable to do any of the above.

Add to that that individual counseling or psychotherapy in this issue (infidelity) is generally of very poor quality, well, the odds are extremely slim that your relationship will come back to a healthy place.

I’m sorry. Please get yourself an individual counselor who understands PTSD.

[/quote]

He is actually doing all of these things except the knowing why he did it. He is trying daily and weekly to do better. He just keeps asking when can we get over this and go back to normal and I'm wondering why he doesn't see that the process has just begun. We are far from being on a healthy path yet.[/quote]

OP, I have been in your shoes.  You mentioned mental illness.  What is his diagnosis?   Are you saying his mental illness is sex addiction?  Is he seeing a psychiatrist? Is he on medication?  Do you participate for 5-10 minutes at every psychiatry appointment to provide independent input about mood and behavior?

Sex addiction alone is not really a mental illness.  It is a manifestation of personality disorder or mental illness. For example, a person can use sex to self-soothe anxiety. Or a person may be diagnosed as a sex addict for behaviors that are driven by underlying mania or hypomania that creates hypersexuality — common in bipolar depression.   The right diagnosis is key to finding the right medication, and doing so is just the beginning to getting better.  Or sex addiction could be a reflection of personality disorder like sociopathy or psychopathy.

IME with mentally ill family members, therapy doesn’t work until AFTER the family member is on the right medication.

For you, I encourage participation in SA-anon (like Al-anon but for partners of sex addicts).

As for when things can get back to normal - the answer is never. He broke the relationship. You will never get back to that relationship. You have a shot at building a new, healthier one.  The sooner you both recognize that the better.

[/quote]

So far he is diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. He is getting medication for it. It's not really sex addiction because he really isn't that into sex most of his life. He has a peculiar behavior related to sex where he doesn't really trust himself or relate well to it. He doesn't deal with it well.  I agree with you on the never getting back to the old relationship and starting a new one if possible or not.[/quote]

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