Anonymous wrote:Op again. Upon research I have seen people and other therapists say that just working on a positive relationship helps more than unpacking the hurt of infidelity, so just thought this is what the therapist was doing. I still don't know how I feel about the tactic and wanted to see what other options are out there.

It's not like we can't work on the relationship. Having fun together or talking about joy does strengthen it, but it seems very superficial and doesn't alleviate the fears that another horrible betrayal will happen the next time any sort of strain arises in the marriage. It doesn't seem to build strength. At some point soon I still feel like we need to revisit this very hurtful action to the marriage and see if we can get through it to make the marriage stronger.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Think of infidelity like this: your marriage is like a house that has termites, and we must get rid of the termites. But the affair had thrown a bomb into the house, setting it on fire. Gotta deal with the fire first.

Sorry but what is the termite and fire in this analogy? The fire is the affair, so what is the termite?

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Think of infidelity like this: your marriage is like a house that has termites, and we must get rid of the termites. But the affair had thrown a bomb into the house, setting it on fire. Gotta deal with the fire first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s OK to leave your husband at any time in this process. The truth is that what you want is completely reasonable - a sense of remorse for the hurt he’s caused you as opposed to the hurt he’s experienced as a result of his own actions, some sense that he knows why he did it so he knows how not to do it again, transparency about the past and in the future, a sincere apology, and a long periods of acts on his part that show he is rebuilding and re-earning your trust in him.

But, the truth is that the same character qualities that lead a partner to cheat also lead a partner to be unable to do any of the above.

Add to that that individual counseling or psychotherapy in this issue (infidelity) is generally of very poor quality, well, the odds are extremely slim that your relationship will come back to a healthy place.

I’m sorry. Please get yourself an individual counselor who understands PTSD.

He is actually doing all of these things except the knowing why he did it. He is trying daily and weekly to do better. He just keeps asking when can we get over this and go back to normal and I'm wondering why he doesn't see that the process has just begun. We are far from being on a healthy path yet.

OP, I have been in your shoes. You mentioned mental illness. What is his diagnosis? Are you saying his mental illness is sex addiction? Is he seeing a psychiatrist? Is he on medication? Do you participate for 5-10 minutes at every psychiatry appointment to provide independent input about mood and behavior?

Sex addiction alone is not really a mental illness. It is a manifestation of personality disorder or mental illness. For example, a person can use sex to self-soothe anxiety. Or a person may be diagnosed as a sex addict for behaviors that are driven by underlying mania or hypomania that creates hypersexuality — common in bipolar depression. The right diagnosis is key to finding the right medication, and doing so is just the beginning to getting better. Or sex addiction could be a reflection of personality disorder like sociopathy or psychopathy.

IME with mentally ill family members, therapy doesn’t work until AFTER the family member is on the right medication.

For you, I encourage participation in SA-anon (like Al-anon but for partners of sex addicts).

As for when things can get back to normal - the answer is never. He broke the relationship. You will never get back to that relationship. You have a shot at building a new, healthier one. The sooner you both recognize that the better.

Anonymous wrote:No.way.in.hell.

Couples therapy for infidelity is mostly bullsh@t. It usually doesn’t even scratch the surface and it always holds both parties responsible for the marriage trouble.

My spouse had deep seated personal issues that caused the acting out sexually: child abandonment in childhood, alcoholic, abusive father (died of alcoholism) and a mother that only looked out for herself and left the 2 kids by themselves a lot.

Yet- first marriage counselor was like “try threesomes and adventure”, talk more. Not once did he delve into the psychology behind the cheating. He also deemed us “cured” because we always got along really well, rarely fought and had a healthy sex life.

So much couples therapy discounts the fact that often it is one individual’s problem. It is an addiction to numb oneself in some situations.

He is doing twice a week individual therapy for this and this therapist agrees he needs this before he can begin. To work to repair the damage his affair caused.

Therapy is not good to the victims of the abuse most of the time. They erroneously try to label the betrayed spouse as co-dependent or some other bullsh@t.

You have a shitty therapist. He/she is merely rug sweeping and not digging deep to address his faults that drove him to lie and cheat.

He needs to address his own issues before he can fully participate in couples therapy and you need your own therapist to address the damage his abuse (cheating is abuse) caused.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Is he a Duggar? Mental health issues never go away OP. Don't torture yourself.

He went to catholic school all his life. I thought I was the one without enough morals with my parents not caring enough about me to send me to catholic as the saying in catholic school goes. It's just so strange. I agree they don't go away, but our catholic faith and my child at least compel me to work through this the next 3 years before he graduates and I'm just trying to do the best I can during that time making as much progress as possible. For me, for him, for our children. Even if we do divorce, I'll feel better about him being in a better place mentally with the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s OK to leave your husband at any time in this process. The truth is that what you want is completely reasonable - a sense of remorse for the hurt he’s caused you as opposed to the hurt he’s experienced as a result of his own actions, some sense that he knows why he did it so he knows how not to do it again, transparency about the past and in the future, a sincere apology, and a long periods of acts on his part that show he is rebuilding and re-earning your trust in him.

But, the truth is that the same character qualities that lead a partner to cheat also lead a partner to be unable to do any of the above.

Add to that that individual counseling or psychotherapy in this issue (infidelity) is generally of very poor quality, well, the odds are extremely slim that your relationship will come back to a healthy place.

I’m sorry. Please get yourself an individual counselor who understands PTSD.

He is actually doing all of these things except the knowing why he did it. He is trying daily and weekly to do better. He just keeps asking when can we get over this and go back to normal and I'm wondering why he doesn't see that the process has just begun. We are far from being on a healthy path yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. It also makes me nervous that I might feel betrayed for years to come. Both for me and my husband. That’s kind of why I wanted to deal with it in a deep way and get it into our past. But I guess it doesn’t work that way and we need to find someone to help us peel back the onion. Since therapists are virtual now, any recommendations are helpful.

You will. It takes an average of 2 years to "get over" an affair. Consider EFT therapy - Carol Corcoron is virtual but very good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. It also makes me nervous that I might feel betrayed for years to come. Both for me and my husband. That’s kind of why I wanted to deal with it in a deep way and get it into our past. But I guess it doesn’t work that way and we need to find someone to help us peel back the onion. Since therapists are virtual now, any recommendations are helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Is he a Duggar? Mental health issues never go away OP. Don't torture yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Anonymous wrote:It’s OK to leave your husband at any time in this process. The truth is that what you want is completely reasonable - a sense of remorse for the hurt he’s caused you as opposed to the hurt he’s experienced as a result of his own actions, some sense that he knows why he did it so he knows how not to do it again, transparency about the past and in the future, a sincere apology, and a long periods of acts on his part that show he is rebuilding and re-earning your trust in him.

But, the truth is that the same character qualities that lead a partner to cheat also lead a partner to be unable to do any of the above.

Add to that that individual counseling or psychotherapy in this issue (infidelity) is generally of very poor quality, well, the odds are extremely slim that your relationship will come back to a healthy place.

I’m sorry. Please get yourself an individual counselor who understands PTSD.