Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

I'm rooting for you, PP. I went through the same awful disorientation and confusion stage and think you are so smart to hold off on therapy until you are ready. When you are ready it can be a very empowering way to sort through all the strong, conflicting feelings. In the meantime here is another online resource I found helpful during the early days: https://partnerhope.com.

This. Rooting hard for PP. The fact that he's willing to fix himself, fix the marriage and actively try to win it back with remorse, etc. is a good sign. Sadly, my XW chose not to - I withdrew after she fessed up and she saw that as a sign of me not caring so she stopped caring, citing the fact that I wasn't trying. I told her she was the one that needed to try harder. Anyway, downhill from there.

Thanks so much to both of you. His therapists are very hopeful and encouraged by him and his behavior. PP- I’m so sorry about your ex-wife. I can’t imagine this happening with a spouse that had zero remorse or willingness to work on marriage. My sympathies.

First PP- I am reading the website you provided and it seems like it will be very helpful. I ordered several books on childhood trauma that were suggested.

I wish the best for both of you.

Something I noticed from all your posts. You sound very co-dependent with him and his problems. It's unlikely you can change him at this point.

Anonymous wrote:This is PP. I can't check his computer or phone records. Everything is password protected and he doesn't share passwords. Work provides his phone. I am sure he has online access to records but I don't. I considered using GPS device in the past but was worried he would discover what I was doing. I can't imagine the reaction. He already likes to call me paranoid, says I am mentally unstable, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

I'm rooting for you, PP. I went through the same awful disorientation and confusion stage and think you are so smart to hold off on therapy until you are ready. When you are ready it can be a very empowering way to sort through all the strong, conflicting feelings. In the meantime here is another online resource I found helpful during the early days: https://partnerhope.com.

This. Rooting hard for PP. The fact that he's willing to fix himself, fix the marriage and actively try to win it back with remorse, etc. is a good sign. Sadly, my XW chose not to - I withdrew after she fessed up and she saw that as a sign of me not caring so she stopped caring, citing the fact that I wasn't trying. I told her she was the one that needed to try harder. Anyway, downhill from there.

Thanks so much to both of you. His therapists are very hopeful and encouraged by him and his behavior. PP- I’m so sorry about your ex-wife. I can’t imagine this happening with a spouse that had zero remorse or willingness to work on marriage. My sympathies.

First PP- I am reading the website you provided and it seems like it will be very helpful. I ordered several books on childhood trauma that were suggested.

I wish the best for both of you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who is looking for answers. When everything first started happening, I went to see a marriage counselor. At that point I thought I was going crazy and feeling guilty for even thinking he was lying. He wasn't a great DH in many other ways. Therapist told me I would never know what happened, if I was wrong/right, etc and that I should focus on strengthening the relationship. It was difficult but I did as she suggested. And things were better. Husband stopped spending money, simplified our bank accounts (he had multiple accounts) and started coming home from work earlier. He stopped withdrawing cash. I moved on until February when he totally couldn't tell me what he spent 250 dollars on. He looked uncomfortable, he dodged the question, he changed the subject. When I tried to ask him again he went crazy. Fortunately, we were in a public place so he had to maintain some control. If I try to bring up the subject again he will explode. I did get tested for STIs.

Maybe he isn't cheating but I know he isn't being honest. He doesn't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. He isn't a gambler. I am assuming his secret is sexual. I know finding out about infidelity is horrible but it is even worse to suspect your spouse is cheating but have no evidence. It is a problem that can't be addressed or solved. And, ironically, I would be willing to work on the relationship even if he cheated. I just don't know if I can live with the uncertainty of not knowing

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

I'm rooting for you, PP. I went through the same awful disorientation and confusion stage and think you are so smart to hold off on therapy until you are ready. When you are ready it can be a very empowering way to sort through all the strong, conflicting feelings. In the meantime here is another online resource I found helpful during the early days: https://partnerhope.com.

This. Rooting hard for PP. The fact that he's willing to fix himself, fix the marriage and actively try to win it back with remorse, etc. is a good sign. Sadly, my XW chose not to - I withdrew after she fessed up and she saw that as a sign of me not caring so she stopped caring, citing the fact that I wasn't trying. I told her she was the one that needed to try harder. Anyway, downhill from there.

Anonymous wrote:The biggest sign for me was my ex-husband became extremely critical of everything I did and started blaming me for everything that was wrong in his life. It was out of character for him and when I tried to get to bottom of where it was coming from he just gave vague explanations. I wasn't sure if it was a mid-life crisis or what was going on. When I found out about the affair his attitude made a lot more sense. I think he was trying to justify his behavior to himself.

Like some of other PP's on this thread have mentioned, his dad also cheated on his mom. In retrospect, I consider that a huge red flag.