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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]OP, there is not usually a lot you can do by confronting this. I mean, you might get lucky, but it gets messy quickly. People are not going to react in straightforward and uncomplicated ways.[/b]

[b]I think one feasible option is to cultivate the relationships you care about within this group individually, outside of the group -- so, check in on email or video with specific friends, send a physical letter or something that shows you are thinking of them (a book you discussed that they wanted to read, or nice chocolates to perk up their spirits, etc). Make those interactions about the positive things you share and love, not the negativity in the group. look forward, not back, and strengthen bonds.[/b]

If you are with the group or a group conversation and you see someone being excluded, say something about it once -- gently, firmly -- and then decide whether to continue with that plan or interaction, or drop out. "Hey, I really think Larla would like to come, and I don't want to shut her out of our get-togethers." Then drop it. Decide if you still want to go, whether or not your comment changes anything. but keep building and strengthening the good relationships you have.

There doesn't have to be a knockout showdown. This doesn't have to be Big Drama. You can decide what you want and what you feel good about, and keep that, and let the rest fall away. You can't argue other people inti liking or valuing you, or really anyone, but you can lead by example and protect your own boundaries. [/quote]

+1. A recent Carolyn Hax advice had the quote “Plans that involve changing someone else’s behavior are nonstarter since you can only change your own”.  I had a friend like that in college that you would feel special because in the time of everyone being busy she always seemed to make time.  She was the one that planned everything, always offered to drive, always reached  out to find out what you were doing.  Over time I realized being the glue was about having social currency and being able to control the narrative not that she cared about me personally. She would make it seem like everyone was coming to her, telling her everything so it not only reinforced that she was the center of the group making her the one you went to when you wanted to plan a group activity , you would find out from her how other people in the group were doing when you didn’t get to see them.  While this may not sound bad she would also lie about everything but it wasn’t obvious at first.  Confronting her changed nothing in her behavior and if anything it became this big thing within the group of how to handle the situation because everyone had different feeling depending on their personality and how hurt they felt by her actions.  At the end of the day, it was about the individual relationships within the people in the group and efforts the individuals made to connect and keep up with each other one on one. The big group hangouts subsided but the close friendships with the different individual relationships have continued.[/quote]

That’s. This is really reassuring. I have felt for months now I haha do make a decision on what to do but it seems like there is no way to make the light bulb go off with her. This behavior she is doing is obviously not unique, as many are sharing similar situations with people like this. For months now, I was actually handling it very well by not reacting or doing anything. She has asked and told others she hopes we are able to be friends like we used to be again at some point but thank you, to those who have helped me realize what a bad idea this is. She has shown who she is. Life is too short to let someone in who at the end of the day I simply cannot trust, based on many many things. The above is helpful in seeing that I can connect in my individual friendships and don’t let her actions make me act differently than I normally would. It’s not my style to gossip or bad mouth people and I’m not going to start now even if I want to clear the air on some things, I won’t. It’s not a good look for me and as others have said, people will realize in due time and many already do realize but don’t quite know what to make of it. [/quote]

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