The kid will always be the kid in the relationship and will always come first. That’s reality until about the time your in a nursing home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - what is your issue? That you don't want your 18 year old living with you after he/she graduates and you want to force them to live at the other parents? Is it a problem kid? If so, I'd hate to think you are trying to make sure you aren't stuck with them. If you want them and aren't sure if the other parent does too, you should discuss it. But I hope you aren't trying to kick out a kid that used to live with you,

Not trying to force anything. Just trying to understand how to decide whether to offer or not.

If your kid is a responsible 18 year old, I don’t see why you wouldn’t offer? What’s his/her plan after graduation? Kicking a teen out at 18, or even saying “I don’t have room for you at my house”, is absolutely devastating to your relationship. Your goal as a parent is to get your teen to want, and have the ability to leave on their own. Many parents keep a room in their home for their kid to come home to during college breaks. If you can’t or don’t want to do that, start preparing now.

I understand - but there are two, separate bio parents in this situation. DC has always felt more comfortable with other parent - though that parent is further from university. Considering the challenges we had during the adolescent years (alienation) it would feel like I was just being used as a convenience...

Do you want a relationship with your adult child? That's partly up to you. Why hold a grudge against a person for what they were like as a not-fully formed teenager whose life was blown up by his/her parents' dysfunction and divorce? I do think that is an unreasonable standard to hold your child to.

Also, consider that the reality in this economic world is that a kid who gets a college degree is going to be better able to self-support; but until they get the degree, most will need some family support because you just can't earn enough as a full time student today to do better than merely survive. What do you want for your child? Mere survival or every change to excell in college and become something more than they are today?

What the parents want is secondary when you have adult children. Sure you could hold college tuition over their head, but I sure wouldn’t recommend it.

I would think at this point that there are 3 adult parties to decide this with. All of their wants are part of the discussion. This is a good way to set your kids on the right adult path of responsibility!

Do whatever you want with a step-kid. The worst already happened to them when their family broke and you got married to their dad. They are used to being dealt the shit hand!

I thought you were talking about children from loving, intact families who have always had love, affection and support from their parents.

Apples and Oranges, really!

This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

Oh, did not realize OP was a step-mother. No wonder.

Anonymous wrote:
Adult kids need to EARN their parents’ generosity.
The adult kids are NO longer entitled to any support.

So parents stop loving their kids when they turn 18?

I love my kids and would want to provide for them for as long as I am alive. However, they have become successful on their own, are self-sufficient and have moved out of the house. Yes, it did not happen at 18, but it certainly happened at 25 when they had finished their studies etc.

Kids should always have their parents love and generosity. You cannot just wash your hands off them. Of course, not talking about the kid who is dealing dope but rather who is doing what needs to be done - studies, internships, self improvement, building skills.

Well adjusted kids do not want to take from their parents, but kids are no longer working in a factory the day after they graduate HS.

In my experience they live with whichever parent has a new partner that they despise less. So you may be in the clear!

If alienation has been at play, this could be a fresh opportunity for a better relationship on new footing. But you get to set the terms. We were pretty strict with my SD when she wanted to live with us after the end of her freshman year because she still was exclusively using us as an ATM and then expected to live with us rent free, responsibility free, with her own rules. We set some really basic adult expectations, like, clean up after yourself, don’t leave dishes in the sink, contribute to the household (like, buy toilet paper for the bathroom you use). But we added one that was a take it or leave it situation: we wanted her home on work nights by midnight or just text us by midnight to let us know that she wasn’t coming home. Otherwise, my husband couldn’t sleep. When she had her own place, he didn’t worry about her that much, and if she just said she was crashing at a friend’s or whatever it was NBD. But we would have gone crazy if she was staggering home every night at 2 and 3 am. She complained that it was a curfew and we made it clear that she could stay out all night if she wanted. We just weren’t willing to live with a habit of having to stay up late every night wondering when she would be home.

That was a dealbreaker for her after a couple of months (as was the expectation that she wash her own dishes promptly...that is, not 4 days later.) also, we wouldn’t let her get a dog. DH’s perspective was that living with us rent-free was a privilege for which we got to set the ground rules we were willing to live with. If she didn’t like them, she wasn’t forced to stay.

after 2 months, she moved in with her mom and got a dog who proceeded to do thousands of dollars of damage to the rented townhome because she didn’t come home often enough to walk him and he was so lonely, he developed an anxiety disorder and started eating the drywall, poor thing. Mom put up with it (and dirty dishes, and lack of sleep) for two years, lost the whole security deposit, and was even more stressed than during the high school years.

You don’t have to offer space as a free for all. If you’re willing to try it, lay down whatever reasonable ground rules you expect and make it clear that you will stick by them. If your SC doesn’t like it, he/she can find alternate housing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

What is BM?

It is what stepmothers disdainfully call biological mothers when they want to be contemptuous of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

What is BM?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit. Don’t close the door so quickly.

OP, you can't unilaterally ban your stepchild from your home without very seriously alienating them! Obviously! It doesn't matter what other families do. It depends on the context and the nature of the relationship. If you're referring to her mother as "BM" you're clearly in a bad place as a step-parent.

You need to come to an agreement with your DH and present a united front to your stepchild. If your DH doesn't want to exclude his child, that's a DH problem. If you don't want to deal with this sort of thing you should not have married a man with children.

It's unclear why you can't have a loving adult relationship if your stepchild is ever at your house. You are the adults here. How could a child of any age prevent you from loving your DH? Seems like you have a DH problem and not a stepchild problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

It’s never about what the parent wants - it’s always about what the kid needs.

Welcome to being a parent!

(Unless you’re a deadbeat)

Um NO. Not for a kid who is an adult. Her husband is not being fair to her to continue to allow it.

Again, you’re certainly not alone. There are lots of deadbeat parents out there. If only those people had gotten a vasectomy, everyone would be better off...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

It’s never about what the parent wants - it’s always about what the kid needs.

Welcome to being a parent!

(Unless you’re a deadbeat)

Um NO. Not for a kid who is an adult. Her husband is not being fair to her to continue to allow it.