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[quote=Anonymous]I knew about the narc thing when I started going to therapy shortly after my wedding.

Without the drama (stage) of being mother of bride, I had little value.
My mom tried gaslighting me and my therapist suggested a book called Emotional Blackmail.

When my father became gravely ill, my mother wrote a letter and read it to the room about what expectations were of me and my spouse/the family. It was directed at me. 100%. I ignored it and tried to deal directly with my father. Often, I was cut off from doing so, and then spoken about for not being more involved. Total pawn.

I was often told that my dad needed X, Y, & Z but it was really that she wanted the company and attention. Many aides and nurses quit and listening to the stories about why, I saw a huge pattern (how things went when I was growing up--secrets and control) and I learned from that.

When my dad died, I went to grief counseling and they talked about the grief that comes with the loss of the preferred parent. It magnified the flaws in the other parent, and since everyone is grieving, the whole thing shifts.

What I learned from my MIL and my M is that when the spouse who is kind of more beloved (deserving or not) dies, it is really lonely. Like some of the previous posters, I let more things slide when my dad was alive to avoid stressing him out and he asked me "take one for the team" or run interference many times to keep the peace. Once in a while I said no, but there were consequences when I did.

One article I read recently said a narcissist can learn to say empathetic things in social situations but add a stressor (fatigue, holidays, change, fear of losing the limelight) and those skills go out the window.

Oddly, I get along with my mom better now because my expectations are different. I am not looking for as much from her and she needs/wants things I can afford to give, like texts over phone calls, and visits that include hotels for regrouping.

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