Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever had anyone gush to you about how charming and wonderful your narc mother is even after you shared your abusive childhood? I swear people literally fall in love with my mother. When she turns it on women my age develop girl crushes on her.

No. Friends were always like "your mom is mad"

strangers however, seem to love her.

I am the poster you are responding to. Yeah, she usually puts on quite a performance,but the few who actually saw a tiny bit of the crazy were frightened of her and never wanted to come over. It's the friends who weren't close enough to be around her all the time and who just heard the stories and yes, acquaintances loved her. I don't blame them though because the only thing they have to go on is the charm. If you don't know the reality and you meet someone with tons of charm and charisma it's easy to be blown away. It's sad because it has made me suspicious of anyone with charm.

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever had anyone gush to you about how charming and wonderful your narc mother is even after you shared your abusive childhood? I swear people literally fall in love with my mother. When she turns it on women my age develop girl crushes on her.

No. Friends were always like "your mom is mad"

strangers however, seem to love her.

Have you ever had anyone gush to you about how charming and wonderful your narc mother is even after you shared your abusive childhood? I swear people literally fall in love with my mother. When she turns it on women my age develop girl crushes on her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and I can tell you that my narcissistic mother didn't have a traumatic childhood and she actually had the sweetest, kindest most empathetic mother. What she inherited was a mental disorder passed to her by her father.

So narcissists are born, not cultivated by bad family vibes. Or all of us who grew up with horrible narcissists would also by default be them too.

Was her father not involved in raising her?

yes he argued with her constantly like it was a sport. she was happy to participate. they were both evil.

Sounds traumatic to me.

I don't think "trauma" quite covers it. Verbally challenging, temperamentally hostile is probably more accurate. But maybe it is trauma. I was raised to believe it was "normal" so wtf do I know really.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and I can tell you that my narcissistic mother didn't have a traumatic childhood and she actually had the sweetest, kindest most empathetic mother. What she inherited was a mental disorder passed to her by her father.

So narcissists are born, not cultivated by bad family vibes. Or all of us who grew up with horrible narcissists would also by default be them too.

Was her father not involved in raising her?

yes he argued with her constantly like it was a sport. she was happy to participate. they were both evil.

Sounds traumatic to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and I can tell you that my narcissistic mother didn't have a traumatic childhood and she actually had the sweetest, kindest most empathetic mother. What she inherited was a mental disorder passed to her by her father.

So narcissists are born, not cultivated by bad family vibes. Or all of us who grew up with horrible narcissists would also by default be them too.

Was her father not involved in raising her?

yes he argued with her constantly like it was a sport. she was happy to participate. they were both evil.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and I can tell you that my narcissistic mother didn't have a traumatic childhood and she actually had the sweetest, kindest most empathetic mother. What she inherited was a mental disorder passed to her by her father.

So narcissists are born, not cultivated by bad family vibes. Or all of us who grew up with horrible narcissists would also by default be them too.

Was her father not involved in raising her?

Anonymous wrote:Can someone please post a link to the narc translation dictionary? I can't seem to find it online (my Googling skills suck, admittedly; it's not Google's fault!).

I found this: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism-decoded/2017/04/how-to-translate-narcissist-speak/

Yep, mom also had childhood trauma, and a difficult life. Except now I wonder how much of it was true.

I knew about the narc thing when I started going to therapy shortly after my wedding.

Without the drama (stage) of being mother of bride, I had little value.
My mom tried gaslighting me and my therapist suggested a book called Emotional Blackmail.

When my father became gravely ill, my mother wrote a letter and read it to the room about what expectations were of me and my spouse/the family. It was directed at me. 100%. I ignored it and tried to deal directly with my father. Often, I was cut off from doing so, and then spoken about for not being more involved. Total pawn.

I was often told that my dad needed X, Y, & Z but it was really that she wanted the company and attention. Many aides and nurses quit and listening to the stories about why, I saw a huge pattern (how things went when I was growing up--secrets and control) and I learned from that.

When my dad died, I went to grief counseling and they talked about the grief that comes with the loss of the preferred parent. It magnified the flaws in the other parent, and since everyone is grieving, the whole thing shifts.

What I learned from my MIL and my M is that when the spouse who is kind of more beloved (deserving or not) dies, it is really lonely. Like some of the previous posters, I let more things slide when my dad was alive to avoid stressing him out and he asked me "take one for the team" or run interference many times to keep the peace. Once in a while I said no, but there were consequences when I did.

One article I read recently said a narcissist can learn to say empathetic things in social situations but add a stressor (fatigue, holidays, change, fear of losing the limelight) and those skills go out the window.

Oddly, I get along with my mom better now because my expectations are different. I am not looking for as much from her and she needs/wants things I can afford to give, like texts over phone calls, and visits that include hotels for regrouping.

Can someone please post a link to the narc translation dictionary? I can't seem to find it online (my Googling skills suck, admittedly; it's not Google's fault!).

Anonymous wrote:One of my friends suggested, when I was in my early 30s, that perhaps my mother wasn’t very kind to me. I’d always thought she was the best mother in the world, because my mother said she was. Everything that went wrong was because of my own failings, I thought.

After I had my first baby, some things happened that made me remember my friend’s words. I’ve done a lot since then to repair the damage my narcissistic mother caused.

I hope you can make peace with the life you have, OP (but not necessarily your mother!).

Same! I also started getting it after having my baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone realize quite late on in life that their mother was a narcissist?
It wasn't until my dad died and all her power over us disappeared that I found the definition of "narcissistic parent" online and she fit almost every category.
I felt sick and so stupid that I was in my mid-40s before I worked this out.

Yes! This is me exactly. I didn’t realize my mom was a Narcissist until my father died.

It really helped me to realize it was on me to set appropriate boundaries. I realized that I needed serious therapy and I’m just now getting over the trauma she caused me. She blamed every problem on me growing up and I’m just starting to break that habit.

I am sorry about your fathers. How did their passing relate or connect to discovering your mothers are narcissists?

A narcissistic parent by definition (someone posted a link page 1) can only function if the other parent fully enables them. My father (OP here) did that. He always took her side even when she was outrageously wrong. It meant she was "never wrong". And without him, she didn't have back up.

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Anonymous wrote:How do you know if you’re one?

We all have narcissistic tendencies, but a true Narcissist would never ask that question. That’s how you know.

But how common is it for severely dysfunctional parents to have to have severely dysfunctional children?

The key to transforming that is to realize what's going on and wanting to change it.

I think most mentally struggling people know they have problems, but only a relatively few succeed in healing their dysfunction. That’s why family dysfunction tends repeat itself generation after generation, even with access to mental health professionals.

Narcissists think it's not them, it's everyone else.

Do their children realize they’re likely passing on the dysfunction to their own children?

Not if they try to figure it out and stop it. My narcissistic mother never once put any thought or effort into improving herself or her relationships or her parenting or the affect she had on others. None. Zero. It doesn't interest her. She also does not care at all if someone else is happy or unhappy, experiencing comfort or discomfort, etc. I'm not perfect but I'm not like that. So I hope I'm giving my kids a completely different experience than the one I had.

You should be wondering what kind of childhood your mother had.

I know what kind of childhood she had. A really, really horrible one.

Was she neglected? Do you know if anyone cared about her when she was little?

It's way more than that. It's off the scale bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You can have empathy for childhood trauma, but you don’t have to accept their bad treatment.

Amen.

An analogy that works for me is that of a van hurtling toward you on the sidewalk. It doesn’t matter if the driver is having a medical crisis (for which you feel empathy), is under the influence, or is a terrorist. You run to get yourself to safety, regardless.

Exactly. It’s also the only way to stop the intergenerational dysfunction.