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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based.  He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs.  Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other.  Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind?  These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child.  Try to take better care of each other.  He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful.  Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun. [/quote]

Agree, however.....at 9 NT children comply with social norms.  SN children sometimes still have not learned those norms.  It is not the responsibility of the other children to play with someone that is constantly interrupting their play, making fun of the games they are playing, or derailing their games.  This is when an adult needs to step in.  It sounds like the grandparents want to treat their grandchild as an NT child and maybe he is, but his behavior is more in line with a child that still needs parental guidance.  If the grandparents are not going to provide that guidance and oversight, then the kids should not have to be subjected to this childs behavior.  If however, the grandparents are actively engaged in monitoring their grandsons behavior and actively addressing issues such as him trying to change the game, then yes, the children should be open to including him in their play.  In that case, the kids know that they just can play and grandma/pa will take care of making sure little Johnny is playing nicely.

OP--I would bluntly tell the grandparents that their child is welcome to play with yours as long as they are providing active supervision.  I would also reiterate to them that your house has a front door and the boundaries of the front door are to be respected.

---mom of 9yr old with ASD/ADHD/Anxiety[/quote]

+1. We had a few kids like this at camp and they ended up either being sent home or the parents were required to spend extra so their child could have a personal nanny 24/7 to work with them and keep an eye on them.

I also had a few children like this in my neighborhood and unfortunately spent a lot of time trying to hide in my house or taking off alone on my bike to the woods so they would leave me alone, which is dangerous for anyone but especially young girls.

My parents did not do enough to get them to back off because they were aware of how severe the bullying was and that they had a bad situation at home. They wanted to give them a safe, pretty well-supervised space. Their great kindness and intentions did help some, but not all, and certainly to my detriment in particular.

Eventually, those kids grew up. Since most were boys, they quickly outgrew me in size and strength and things escalated into sexual harassment when we hit high school. It took several stern confrontations with my parents and mean behavior on my part after repeatedly telling them NO, LEAVE ME ALONE. STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT and finally moving hundreds of miles away to get it to stop (and I'm sure only because they have now moved as well-one, in particular, would circle our house any time he knew there was likely to be a school break).

I realize this kid isn't staying around forever and is only 9 but be kind and firm when you tell him he must use the doorbell (only ONCE, during certain hours) to ask to play. If your kids have other kids over, tell him they are having a special day just to themselves. You don't have to exclude him all of the time but also respect your children's right to make decisions on their friends, to not have to babysit and be someone else's learning doll, and to feel safe in their own home.  There is a balance to being kind and helping out and allowing your kids' summers and relationships with others to be sacrificed. Those other friends will not continue to keep coming over if someone behaving badly always shows up and ruins the fun, especially if the boy has already been coached several times on how to play nice and express himself better in a way the other kids will understand. 
They get compassion fatigue the same as adults do. 
I would invite both grandma and the boy over at the same time, perhaps with several other people open-house style, and she can watch him herself. [/quote]

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