Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based. He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs. Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other. Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind? These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child. Try to take better care of each other. He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful. Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun.

Agree, however.....at 9 NT children comply with social norms. SN children sometimes still have not learned those norms. It is not the responsibility of the other children to play with someone that is constantly interrupting their play, making fun of the games they are playing, or derailing their games. This is when an adult needs to step in. It sounds like the grandparents want to treat their grandchild as an NT child and maybe he is, but his behavior is more in line with a child that still needs parental guidance. If the grandparents are not going to provide that guidance and oversight, then the kids should not have to be subjected to this childs behavior. If however, the grandparents are actively engaged in monitoring their grandsons behavior and actively addressing issues such as him trying to change the game, then yes, the children should be open to including him in their play. In that case, the kids know that they just can play and grandma/pa will take care of making sure little Johnny is playing nicely.

OP--I would bluntly tell the grandparents that their child is welcome to play with yours as long as they are providing active supervision. I would also reiterate to them that your house has a front door and the boundaries of the front door are to be respected.


---mom of 9yr old with ASD/ADHD/Anxiety

+1. We had a few kids like this at camp and they ended up either being sent home or the parents were required to spend extra so their child could have a personal nanny 24/7 to work with them and keep an eye on them.

I also had a few children like this in my neighborhood and unfortunately spent a lot of time trying to hide in my house or taking off alone on my bike to the woods so they would leave me alone, which is dangerous for anyone but especially young girls.

My parents did not do enough to get them to back off because they were aware of how severe the bullying was and that they had a bad situation at home. They wanted to give them a safe, pretty well-supervised space. Their great kindness and intentions did help some, but not all, and certainly to my detriment in particular.

Eventually, those kids grew up. Since most were boys, they quickly outgrew me in size and strength and things escalated into sexual harassment when we hit high school. It took several stern confrontations with my parents and mean behavior on my part after repeatedly telling them NO, LEAVE ME ALONE. STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT and finally moving hundreds of miles away to get it to stop (and I'm sure only because they have now moved as well-one, in particular, would circle our house any time he knew there was likely to be a school break).

I realize this kid isn't staying around forever and is only 9 but be kind and firm when you tell him he must use the doorbell (only ONCE, during certain hours) to ask to play. If your kids have other kids over, tell him they are having a special day just to themselves. You don't have to exclude him all of the time but also respect your children's right to make decisions on their friends, to not have to babysit and be someone else's learning doll, and to feel safe in their own home. There is a balance to being kind and helping out and allowing your kids' summers and relationships with others to be sacrificed. Those other friends will not continue to keep coming over if someone behaving badly always shows up and ruins the fun, especially if the boy has already been coached several times on how to play nice and express himself better in a way the other kids will understand.
They get compassion fatigue the same as adults do.
I would invite both grandma and the boy over at the same time, perhaps with several other people open-house style, and she can watch him herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those who insist on forcing play, should have to invite their least liked co-worker to their home for regular visits.

All day, everyday.

If you don’t do this, then you’re very hypocritical.

Nah, because in these people minds it's all about children, especially if SN. Adults don't matter, even if they DO have annoying SN.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You teach your kids to play with the child that is left out. You challenge your child by asking “who did you help today at school?” “Who did you try to include today?”

And he does. But he does not want to play with certain kids and I am not going to force him to play with kids he is not comfortable with.

Ha ha yeah right. You and your child sound like role models of inclusion. You do t “force your child to play with kids he is not comfortable with”. You TEACH your child that kids have different strengths and weaknesses. You help your child identify when someone is being excluded and could use a little kindness. You help your child understand that they get stinger when they learn how to deal with adversity and things that make them a little uncomfortable. This exact situation happened to us- nearly exactly. Guess what- we made a little routine out of it. We played a little catch with a child who was socially awkward, lonely, and desperate for friends, and my son learned to be kind to him. Were they bff’s? No. But we certainly didn’t actively avoid him. It was 15-20 minutes of my child doing a non-preferred activity every couple of days one summer, and it was FINE.

OP agree. Try hours a day. My kids and other neighborhood boys are out all day. Not 15 minutes. So even if they play with this boy for 15 minutes, he’s pestering them the rest of the day before and after. Should they have to give up the rest of their summer to the demands of this boy? You can raise pushovers, but I’m not.

Thanks everyone who responded.

It's for two more weeks OP. Have you tried to come up with any strategies with your children for helping to include him? Or is that raising a "pushover". I mentioned my son before - he is 14 now and anything but a pushover - he has just learned how to be kind and patient. Think carefully about the lesson you will be teaching your children this summer. You can teach them that Larlo is annoying and it is ok to avoid him, or you can teach them that Larlo struggles socially and it would be a great opportunity for your kids to think about how they can show some leadership and creativity in this situation and figure out how to include him. You could tell them that a few weeks of kindness might make a lifetime of difference to that child or the grandparents, who are your neighbors and friends. Other posters are correct that it is unreasonable to expect a 9 year old to navigate this. That is where you come in. You have to guide them a little bit. it's a great opportunity for your kids. I can already tell you will squander it, and your kids will exclude him for the last two weeks of summer, but thank goodness your kids are not inconvenienced.

DP here. You are delusional.

Hardly - I have three successful kids, who also manage to be nice to people who are different. That's where DCUM fails. Everything is about ME - MY KID - I REFUSE TO LET MY KID BE THE SLIGHTEST BIT INCONVENIENCED. Personally, I believe that is how kids grow character - when they are challenged by things that inconvenience them.

Well said PP.

I totally believe in instilling inclusion when they are at school or out in public. I believe in encouraging inclusion at our home. I will not force inclusion in our home or on our property. Give it a try a few times yes, but not force if it is not working out.

The grandchild is not going to learn the skills needed in the next few weeks. They tried it out. If the grandparents are not receptive to working with others on encouraging skill development, why should the kids be expected to.

OP, you say your kids "rally tried" to include this child who has special needs, but I don't see anything in your post to suggest that. What did they try so far?

Also, have you talked to them about children with differences? This doesn't come naturally to most kids. They need you to model inclusion for them. Do you know how to do that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You teach your kids to play with the child that is left out. You challenge your child by asking “who did you help today at school?” “Who did you try to include today?”

And he does. But he does not want to play with certain kids and I am not going to force him to play with kids he is not comfortable with.

Ha ha yeah right. You and your child sound like role models of inclusion. You do t “force your child to play with kids he is not comfortable with”. You TEACH your child that kids have different strengths and weaknesses. You help your child identify when someone is being excluded and could use a little kindness. You help your child understand that they get stinger when they learn how to deal with adversity and things that make them a little uncomfortable. This exact situation happened to us- nearly exactly. Guess what- we made a little routine out of it. We played a little catch with a child who was socially awkward, lonely, and desperate for friends, and my son learned to be kind to him. Were they bff’s? No. But we certainly didn’t actively avoid him. It was 15-20 minutes of my child doing a non-preferred activity every couple of days one summer, and it was FINE.

OP agree. Try hours a day. My kids and other neighborhood boys are out all day. Not 15 minutes. So even if they play with this boy for 15 minutes, he’s pestering them the rest of the day before and after. Should they have to give up the rest of their summer to the demands of this boy? You can raise pushovers, but I’m not.

Thanks everyone who responded.

It's for two more weeks OP. Have you tried to come up with any strategies with your children for helping to include him? Or is that raising a "pushover". I mentioned my son before - he is 14 now and anything but a pushover - he has just learned how to be kind and patient. Think carefully about the lesson you will be teaching your children this summer. You can teach them that Larlo is annoying and it is ok to avoid him, or you can teach them that Larlo struggles socially and it would be a great opportunity for your kids to think about how they can show some leadership and creativity in this situation and figure out how to include him. You could tell them that a few weeks of kindness might make a lifetime of difference to that child or the grandparents, who are your neighbors and friends. Other posters are correct that it is unreasonable to expect a 9 year old to navigate this. That is where you come in. You have to guide them a little bit. it's a great opportunity for your kids. I can already tell you will squander it, and your kids will exclude him for the last two weeks of summer, but thank goodness your kids are not inconvenienced.

DP here. You are delusional.

Hardly - I have three successful kids, who also manage to be nice to people who are different. That's where DCUM fails. Everything is about ME - MY KID - I REFUSE TO LET MY KID BE THE SLIGHTEST BIT INCONVENIENCED. Personally, I believe that is how kids grow character - when they are challenged by things that inconvenience them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You teach your kids to play with the child that is left out. You challenge your child by asking “who did you help today at school?” “Who did you try to include today?”

And he does. But he does not want to play with certain kids and I am not going to force him to play with kids he is not comfortable with.

Ha ha yeah right. You and your child sound like role models of inclusion. You do t “force your child to play with kids he is not comfortable with”. You TEACH your child that kids have different strengths and weaknesses. You help your child identify when someone is being excluded and could use a little kindness. You help your child understand that they get stinger when they learn how to deal with adversity and things that make them a little uncomfortable. This exact situation happened to us- nearly exactly. Guess what- we made a little routine out of it. We played a little catch with a child who was socially awkward, lonely, and desperate for friends, and my son learned to be kind to him. Were they bff’s? No. But we certainly didn’t actively avoid him. It was 15-20 minutes of my child doing a non-preferred activity every couple of days one summer, and it was FINE.

OP agree. Try hours a day. My kids and other neighborhood boys are out all day. Not 15 minutes. So even if they play with this boy for 15 minutes, he’s pestering them the rest of the day before and after. Should they have to give up the rest of their summer to the demands of this boy? You can raise pushovers, but I’m not.

Thanks everyone who responded.

It's for two more weeks OP. Have you tried to come up with any strategies with your children for helping to include him? Or is that raising a "pushover". I mentioned my son before - he is 14 now and anything but a pushover - he has just learned how to be kind and patient. Think carefully about the lesson you will be teaching your children this summer. You can teach them that Larlo is annoying and it is ok to avoid him, or you can teach them that Larlo struggles socially and it would be a great opportunity for your kids to think about how they can show some leadership and creativity in this situation and figure out how to include him. You could tell them that a few weeks of kindness might make a lifetime of difference to that child or the grandparents, who are your neighbors and friends. Other posters are correct that it is unreasonable to expect a 9 year old to navigate this. That is where you come in. You have to guide them a little bit. it's a great opportunity for your kids. I can already tell you will squander it, and your kids will exclude him for the last two weeks of summer, but thank goodness your kids are not inconvenienced.

DP here. You are delusional.

Anonymous wrote:
My child has special needs and I feel for this boy and his grandparents, who were probably brought up in the "mental illness is taboo" culture and will never want to talk to you about his issues. They may also be in denial themselves.

Tell him firmly that he is not allowed to walk into your garage or your house unless he is invited to come in. Be specific, in case he needs specifics. Always be kind. You can be firm, you can be direct, you can avoid him, but please be proactive and tell your children to always be polite, never mean and report to you any instance of other kids being mean. I've seen so many children tease or bully SN kids because they didn't know how to handle differences. Kids need to be explicitly told these things. My neighbor's son bullied mine all throughout 3rd grade until I put a stop to it.

If he starts behavior like stopping a group game outside, one of the kids needs to tell his grandparents, and they need to come out and redirect him.

Doesn't sound like the grandparents will do anything.

So, OP, that's when you send him home and tell Grandma that your kids are done for the day.

Do they try playing what he wants when they are finished what they're doing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You teach your kids to play with the child that is left out. You challenge your child by asking “who did you help today at school?” “Who did you try to include today?”

And he does. But he does not want to play with certain kids and I am not going to force him to play with kids he is not comfortable with.

Ha ha yeah right. You and your child sound like role models of inclusion. You do t “force your child to play with kids he is not comfortable with”. You TEACH your child that kids have different strengths and weaknesses. You help your child identify when someone is being excluded and could use a little kindness. You help your child understand that they get stinger when they learn how to deal with adversity and things that make them a little uncomfortable. This exact situation happened to us- nearly exactly. Guess what- we made a little routine out of it. We played a little catch with a child who was socially awkward, lonely, and desperate for friends, and my son learned to be kind to him. Were they bff’s? No. But we certainly didn’t actively avoid him. It was 15-20 minutes of my child doing a non-preferred activity every couple of days one summer, and it was FINE.

OP agree. Try hours a day. My kids and other neighborhood boys are out all day. Not 15 minutes. So even if they play with this boy for 15 minutes, he’s pestering them the rest of the day before and after. Should they have to give up the rest of their summer to the demands of this boy? You can raise pushovers, but I’m not.

Thanks everyone who responded.

It's for two more weeks OP. Have you tried to come up with any strategies with your children for helping to include him? Or is that raising a "pushover". I mentioned my son before - he is 14 now and anything but a pushover - he has just learned how to be kind and patient. Think carefully about the lesson you will be teaching your children this summer. You can teach them that Larlo is annoying and it is ok to avoid him, or you can teach them that Larlo struggles socially and it would be a great opportunity for your kids to think about how they can show some leadership and creativity in this situation and figure out how to include him. You could tell them that a few weeks of kindness might make a lifetime of difference to that child or the grandparents, who are your neighbors and friends. Other posters are correct that it is unreasonable to expect a 9 year old to navigate this. That is where you come in. You have to guide them a little bit. it's a great opportunity for your kids. I can already tell you will squander it, and your kids will exclude him for the last two weeks of summer, but thank goodness your kids are not inconvenienced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those who insist on forcing play, should have to invite their least liked co-worker to their home for regular visits.

All day, everyday.

If you don’t do this, then you’re very hypocritical.

This. The kids should offer the neighbor's grandson to join in their game. If he says he doesn't want to or deliberately thwarts the game (both of which he did) they are under no further obligation. Those who think the kids should do more than that are smoking crack.

Everyone who is saying that OP’s kids should do something that makes them uncomfortable because it will make someone else happy better not also be sayin great their daughters can refuse grandma’s hugs to learn to set boundaries. It is the same principle - you are allowed to be uncomfortable as a child, you are allowed to stick up for yourself clearly and kindly.

And I have a kid with SN who struggles socially. But that is his struggle to deal with, not others kids’. OP has not described any unkind behavior from her kids that is not the first result of Grandson’s behavior - no name calling, no teasing, just declining to play with someone who is bad at it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You teach your kids to play with the child that is left out. You challenge your child by asking “who did you help today at school?” “Who did you try to include today?”

And he does. But he does not want to play with certain kids and I am not going to force him to play with kids he is not comfortable with.

Ha ha yeah right. You and your child sound like role models of inclusion. You do t “force your child to play with kids he is not comfortable with”. You TEACH your child that kids have different strengths and weaknesses. You help your child identify when someone is being excluded and could use a little kindness. You help your child understand that they get stinger when they learn how to deal with adversity and things that make them a little uncomfortable. This exact situation happened to us- nearly exactly. Guess what- we made a little routine out of it. We played a little catch with a child who was socially awkward, lonely, and desperate for friends, and my son learned to be kind to him. Were they bff’s? No. But we certainly didn’t actively avoid him. It was 15-20 minutes of my child doing a non-preferred activity every couple of days one summer, and it was FINE.

OP agree. Try hours a day. My kids and other neighborhood boys are out all day. Not 15 minutes. So even if they play with this boy for 15 minutes, he’s pestering them the rest of the day before and after. Should they have to give up the rest of their summer to the demands of this boy? You can raise pushovers, but I’m not.

Thanks everyone who responded.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You teach your kids to play with the child that is left out. You challenge your child by asking “who did you help today at school?” “Who did you try to include today?”

And he does. But he does not want to play with certain kids and I am not going to force him to play with kids he is not comfortable with.

Ha ha yeah right. You and your child sound like role models of inclusion. You do t “force your child to play with kids he is not comfortable with”. You TEACH your child that kids have different strengths and weaknesses. You help your child identify when someone is being excluded and could use a little kindness. You help your child understand that they get stinger when they learn how to deal with adversity and things that make them a little uncomfortable. This exact situation happened to us- nearly exactly. Guess what- we made a little routine out of it. We played a little catch with a child who was socially awkward, lonely, and desperate for friends, and my son learned to be kind to him. Were they bff’s? No. But we certainly didn’t actively avoid him. It was 15-20 minutes of my child doing a non-preferred activity every couple of days one summer, and it was FINE.

Anonymous wrote:You teach your kids to play with the child that is left out. You challenge your child by asking “who did you help today at school?” “Who did you try to include today?”

And he does. But he does not want to play with certain kids and I am not going to force him to play with kids he is not comfortable with.

Anonymous wrote:You already hurt grandma’s feelings. The two weeks will pass. Try to be kinder.

Grandma is not doing her job and expecting her neighborhood to do it for her. They should be making plans with their grandchild and spending time with him, not making him everyone else’s responsibility. She laughed of her grandson walking into a stranger’s house because he desperately wants to be able to Continential allowing him to roam the neighborhood.