Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am that mother/grandmother/mother in law who wishes a family get together would would work. I have accepted that it does not work. We used to pay for family vacations for three married children, spouses, and grandchildren. Everyone had separate condos in a lovely resort, plane tickets for all, all meals paid for and activities. When they all came to our home for holidays, we gave them an amazing time.
We just got sick and tired of adult siblings complaining to us about each other doing something minor or complaining about a niece or nephew. There are several grandchildren.
We just stopped doing vacations. No big discussion, we just did not offer any more. As fas holidays, we are always home for those times. If anyone wants to come, please do! No invites extended. If one sibling and family wants to stay home this year, it is fine. If another sibling and family wants to come, fine with us. We buy same amount of presents for everyone and mail those to ones who do not come so they can have them at their home.
I tried so hard to make it work. We never interfere! I felt so sad that siblings just did not really enjoy each other. I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation because I could feel their tension with each other for whatever reason.
Amen! I let siblings manage their own relationships. Do I feel sad that they are not closer? Yes, I do, quite sad. We are close to all children and grandchildren. Talk to all adult children daily or weekly, visit separately. It works so much better than big family vacations. No big fight or discussion, just the realization that it was not fun for all. It is what it is! I am sure when they are my age, they will understand why i wanted it to be a wonderful experience for all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you suggesting that mom/grandma invited only one of her kids and her/his family for Thanksgiving? Can you imagine the drama this would create? Even if uninvited adult child really didn't want to go?

What drama?
See adult kid #1+their family at Thanksgiving
See adult kid #2+their family at Christmas
Alternate the holidays every year.
See? Easy. Even do-able with more siblings, just pick different holidays, or maybe don’t get fixated on having to be together on a holiday.

Again, I’m not saying this is the way it must be done, but if it’s been clearly demonstrated that having everyone at the same time is not working, then it’s better for everyone, yes EVERYONE to break things up into smaller groups.

Anonymous wrote:It's a myth that big families are loving and tight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some families are actually happy with the get togethers. We do a Christmas time get together and a summer beach week and we don't have any drama. Young cousins play together. It's all good. It's the way families have been for eons.

I believe there are many families who actually get along. There are also families where you walk in the room, and you can feel the tension with a knife. At holidays, everyone is chomping at the bit for the first one to leave, so they too can grab their coats and dash. I don't think people here are talking about the warm, welcoming, inclusive and fun families. I think people here are talking about the families with anxiety and depression and more, who don't own their shit, who are at each other in a passive aggressive manner. I mean if you take the valuable vacation time, schlep all that way, and barely engage, WTF is the point?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am that mother/grandmother/mother in law who wishes a family get together would would work. I have accepted that it does not work. We used to pay for family vacations for three married children, spouses, and grandchildren. Everyone had separate condos in a lovely resort, plane tickets for all, all meals paid for and activities. When they all came to our home for holidays, we gave them an amazing time.
We just got sick and tired of adult siblings complaining to us about each other doing something minor or complaining about a niece or nephew. There are several grandchildren.
We just stopped doing vacations. No big discussion, we just did not offer any more. As fas holidays, we are always home for those times. If anyone wants to come, please do! No invites extended. If one sibling and family wants to stay home this year, it is fine. If another sibling and family wants to come, fine with us. We buy same amount of presents for everyone and mail those to ones who do not come so they can have them at their home.
I tried so hard to make it work. We never interfere! I felt so sad that siblings just did not really enjoy each other. I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation because I could feel their tension with each other for whatever reason.
Amen! I let siblings manage their own relationships. Do I feel sad that they are not closer? Yes, I do, quite sad. We are close to all children and grandchildren. Talk to all adult children daily or weekly, visit separately. It works so much better than big family vacations. No big fight or discussion, just the realization that it was not fun for all. It is what it is! I am sure when they are my age, they will understand why i wanted it to be a wonderful experience for all.

Kudos to you for trying, but even bigger kudos to you for realizing is wasn’t working, and adjusting. You now are close to all of your kids and grandkids, have great visits with them separately, versus “I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation.”

Anonymous wrote:Some families are actually happy with the get togethers. We do a Christmas time get together and a summer beach week and we don't have any drama. Young cousins play together. It's all good. It's the way families have been for eons.

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am that mother/grandmother/mother in law who wishes a family get together would would work. I have accepted that it does not work. We used to pay for family vacations for three married children, spouses, and grandchildren. Everyone had separate condos in a lovely resort, plane tickets for all, all meals paid for and activities. When they all came to our home for holidays, we gave them an amazing time.
We just got sick and tired of adult siblings complaining to us about each other doing something minor or complaining about a niece or nephew. There are several grandchildren.
We just stopped doing vacations. No big discussion, we just did not offer any more. As fas holidays, we are always home for those times. If anyone wants to come, please do! No invites extended. If one sibling and family wants to stay home this year, it is fine. If another sibling and family wants to come, fine with us. We buy same amount of presents for everyone and mail those to ones who do not come so they can have them at their home.
I tried so hard to make it work. We never interfere! I felt so sad that siblings just did not really enjoy each other. I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation because I could feel their tension with each other for whatever reason.
Amen! I let siblings manage their own relationships. Do I feel sad that they are not closer? Yes, I do, quite sad. We are close to all children and grandchildren. Talk to all adult children daily or weekly, visit separately. It works so much better than big family vacations. No big fight or discussion, just the realization that it was not fun for all. It is what it is! I am sure when they are my age, they will understand why i wanted it to be a wonderful experience for all.

Anonymous wrote:It's a myth that big families are loving and tight.

Anonymous wrote:DH is one of 4 kids. They talk to each other maybe 3-4 times a year.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the forced family time. I was just talking to a friend who was complaining her sister would not commit to vacation with them and their parents every year for a week. My friend just couldn't grasp the concept that maybe someone had other things they wanted to do with their time and money. Thankfully I'm an only child so this is not an issue in my family and DH's family is not into the whole big family vacation. We see his siblings every year or 2 and everyone seems fine with that. Its not that they don't get along its just that everyone lives in different parts of the country and has different aged kids and basically has their own life going on.