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[quote=Anonymous]I have heard that a signal of serious problems in a marriage is if either or both feels contempt for the other at times. Contempt is a really, really bad sign.

I think this was from someone who was on 60 Minutes or something like that several years ago and does university research on couples and marriage. As part of his research, couples stay in an apartment for a weekend with assigned projects to do together--sort of like the idea that hanging wallpaper together is a way to see how well you really get along. Some couples, faced with these projects, did indeed display contempt for each other (such as the other person's approach to whatever the task was--the tasks were not ordinary things like washing dishes, but contrived).

My husband (passed away some years ago) and I fought a lot (both very intellectual and stubborn people who really dig in) and probably criticized each other a lot--but there was also affection. I think when anger did happen it was characterized by frustration but never contempt.

Working on conflict resolution and all that is fine, but that's also what you would do with a co-worker, a neighbor, other people with whom the relationship is not expected to be that deep. So I think part of it is trying to let yourself feel what you FEEL. Ongoing romantic flames may not be realistic, but there should always be a smoldering coal or two in the fireplace. [/quote]

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