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[quote=Anonymous]I'm the PP who was asked what my DH thinks of his 45-year-old brother living at home.

Frankly, this has gone on for so many years that I doubt DH considers it much anymore. As far as I know, this has been a lifetime pattern. When DH was much younger, it really bothered him that his youngest brother got away with never doing anything to contribute on their family farm. He wasn't interested, and managed to get out of doing work that the other siblings were expected to do.

DH put himself through college and grad school while his younger brother has earned 3 degrees, a couple of Masters, and even a few years of professional school on his parents' dime. His parents once dug a LAKE on their farm, and planted an orchard and a Christmas tree farm - all because the youngest brother wanted to operate an orchard and tree farm. (The lake was for irrigation.) Now my ILs are in their 80s, harvesting apples on their own and the Christmas trees are completely overgrown...because this was years ago. Youngest brother never so much as picked an apple or trimmed a Christmas tree when the time came.

I could go on and on.

My ILs  are nice people and I try not to judge them because I can understand, seeing my own DS, that utter fear of having your child never make it out in the world. Not having friends, not having romantic relationships, not having a life beyond home...who wants this for their child in adulthood? So they keep trying anything, everything, to help their child succeed. But having seen DH's brother, and DH's first cousin, I am skeptical that they could truly succeed in the world at this point. Or ever. There is something genetic, and yes a significant amount of enabling. But I see the genetic component.

It bothers me a lot, this whole enabling situation, simply because I think it sets a bad example for my kids. Their uncle is almost 46, doesn't have a job, quits anything he undertakes, and still lives with his parents and depends on them. Everybody else in the family just pretend like it's not really happening, but I often remind our kids that this will not be an option for them.

There are no easy answers, but I have seen enough over 35 years that I would  never want to fall into this hopeless cycle. The adult child benefits from the situation least of all. [/quote]

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