Reply to DH is going to blow a gasket. Give me strength.

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[quote=Anonymous]Many years ago, I had a temper problem, not on the order of your husband's, but still a temper problem.  The real issue was that I was not able to handle the unexpected well.  In the last 20-30 years, I have learned coping techniques that have leveled me out a lot (and with the help of my wonderful spouse who is very good at reading me and defusing the issues that cause me to react).

Your husband has an explosive temper and he does not deal with the unexpected well.  For your sake, you need to find a way to present him with a conversation about the problems when you and he are separated, let him have his explosive outbursts and tantrums and give yourself a buffer of time before you actually deal with the actual conversation.  For example, take a Saturday when he has no plans.  Make plans for the morning and lunchtime (maybe even the afternoon) for you and the kids.  Go out.   Either leave him a letter before you leave or send him a text or email after you've left for him to read.  This should outline the problems that you have, and that you need to have a conversation to work out how to address these issues, whether you think you can work it out together or if you need a marriage counselor to help you work it out and when you want to have this conversation.  Then make sure you and the kids are gone for at least 4 hours.  He can read it, have his tantrum, act all childish and then have time to recover.  Ask him to text you back when he is ready to have this conversation.  Tell him that he will have to be calm for the discussion.  If he isn't calm, you aren't going to have the conversation.  Give him a deadline, like you want to have this conversation sometime this weekend or by Wednesday.  When you go home, do not mention the problem.  Just go about your normal lives.  If he tries to talk about it, if he can talk calmly about it, then you can discuss the time and place of the discussion.  If he gets testy, then cut off the conversation and tell him that he obviously isn't ready and you'll talk about it when he set.  If he gets to the deadline and can't have the conversation calmly, then make plans to move yourself and the kids out of the house until he is ready to behave like an adult and not a child and have the conversation calmly.  Stay with a friend(s) or get a hotel for a few days.  Tell him that if he cannot have the conversation calmly without his outbursts and tantrums, then that means he no longer wants to be a husband and father because he isn't acting like one.

Right now, just like his family, you are enabling his tantrums.  And the children have to bear the brunt of you and his family of origin's enabling of his bad behavior.  You have to stand up to him.  If you can't do it for yourself, you have to do it for your children.  Good luck.[/quote]

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