My brother, two years older than me, expressed from his earliest days the type of behavior you described. He made my life a living hell. He sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing.

I left home at 18. Attended a family reunion in 1989. Spoke to my mother in 2000. Attended my oldest brother's birthday in 2010. More than enough contact given the toxic atmosphere.

Leave.

Anonymous wrote:OP here I’m sorry for being vague. Here’s an example: the other day he was battling with one of our kids about getting dressed (been there. This child is notorious for being a jerk about getting dressed so I totally felt DH’s pain) and I told DH the kid could stay home with me rather than go to the grocery store with him. That way DH could have a minute to chill and get stuff done, and I’d fight the clothes wars at home. Honestly I just wanted him to stop screaming at our daughter so was just trying to get him out of there.

I said this to him in another room to be SURE I wasn’t giving our child the impression that she’d gotten away with anything. He screamed at me (in front of the kids) that I was undermining his parenting and that our daughter needed to learn a lesson. When I told him (again, in private) that he was never to shout at me in front of our children, he lost it. Yelling, slamming doors, storming out, laughing in my face. It’s crazy. It’s like bringing nuclear weapons to a knife fight, and I’m not even fighting. I seriously feel like I’m always flinching and tiptoeing around so I don’t upset him.

Are you sure you will be safe if you confront him? Because I’m not. I think you should leave, and I never say that.

And op he isn’t “good to the kids” if he is verbally and emotionally abusing their mother in front of them.

I feel so sorry for kids. Why are you staying in an abusive relationship. And yes you are modeling marriage for them and this is why they will end up with. I can’t imagine standing by while my husband screams at my kid about getting dressed. Imagine how terrifying that is to a young kid. And you said the kid is a “jerk”— where are they Lear big that behavior. And now husband will get some form of shared custody and you won’t be able to protect your kids. And you did know he was like this before you married him.

Agree he's probably ADD. I was like this at one time, when my kids were small. Too much stress at work, not enough support at home. I switched jobs and no longer have "rages."

Many years ago, I had a temper problem, not on the order of your husband's, but still a temper problem. The real issue was that I was not able to handle the unexpected well. In the last 20-30 years, I have learned coping techniques that have leveled me out a lot (and with the help of my wonderful spouse who is very good at reading me and defusing the issues that cause me to react).

Your husband has an explosive temper and he does not deal with the unexpected well. For your sake, you need to find a way to present him with a conversation about the problems when you and he are separated, let him have his explosive outbursts and tantrums and give yourself a buffer of time before you actually deal with the actual conversation. For example, take a Saturday when he has no plans. Make plans for the morning and lunchtime (maybe even the afternoon) for you and the kids. Go out. Either leave him a letter before you leave or send him a text or email after you've left for him to read. This should outline the problems that you have, and that you need to have a conversation to work out how to address these issues, whether you think you can work it out together or if you need a marriage counselor to help you work it out and when you want to have this conversation. Then make sure you and the kids are gone for at least 4 hours. He can read it, have his tantrum, act all childish and then have time to recover. Ask him to text you back when he is ready to have this conversation. Tell him that he will have to be calm for the discussion. If he isn't calm, you aren't going to have the conversation. Give him a deadline, like you want to have this conversation sometime this weekend or by Wednesday. When you go home, do not mention the problem. Just go about your normal lives. If he tries to talk about it, if he can talk calmly about it, then you can discuss the time and place of the discussion. If he gets testy, then cut off the conversation and tell him that he obviously isn't ready and you'll talk about it when he set. If he gets to the deadline and can't have the conversation calmly, then make plans to move yourself and the kids out of the house until he is ready to behave like an adult and not a child and have the conversation calmly. Stay with a friend(s) or get a hotel for a few days. Tell him that if he cannot have the conversation calmly without his outbursts and tantrums, then that means he no longer wants to be a husband and father because he isn't acting like one.

Right now, just like his family, you are enabling his tantrums. And the children have to bear the brunt of you and his family of origin's enabling of his bad behavior. You have to stand up to him. If you can't do it for yourself, you have to do it for your children. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound really oversimplified, but you are in a good place because you are done. Because you can walk away, you have all the power. I recommend you see a lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row and financially and logistically - know the law about whether you can take the kids, leave the house, etc. act as if you expect a divorce and expect him to play dirty.

My mom had an awful temper my whole childhood and well into my 30s. She’s just a total bitch. She’s always the victim. No one can do anything right. She used to swear at my dad and I and throw things constantly. We were always on eggshells. One day in my late 20s I decided I was done. When she threw her fits I just reacted totally calmly and deadpan. I took away her power by deciding I didn’t care and that I wasn’t going to let her upset me. It made her super mad - like a toddler being ignored. I didn’t cut her off, I just would sit and listen. Eventually she realized she couldn’t get what she wanted by throwing a fit. We have a great relationship now.

OP here and I appreciate your input about a strategy for dealing with the tantrums. I don’t want to divorce my husband. I don’t want to take my kids’ father away, because he is honestly good to them and loves them. I want to be able to have difficult adult conversations with him without him blowing up and running off, I want him to be nicer and more patient, even when we’re in the sh*t. I know these are our most stressful years and I don’t want to give up under the pressure, but I’ve got to have a partner in this, not another petulant kid to parent. I don’t want to throw around the threat of divorce carelessly, but I do need him to realize his behavior is serious enough that I’ve considered leaving just to get a break from it.

He’a Not going to have a conversation or try to change unless he knows you are done putting up with his selfish behavior.

Anonymous wrote:Question - why on EARTH would you marry and procreate with a man who's been like this all his life?

Thanks for saving the rest of us the trouble of asking the obvious!!

Turn the tables on him. Outcrazy him. Blow up over the slightest infraction he commits. Break shit, scream obscenities, threaten violence and divorce. He may be so taken aback that he realizes this kind of behavior is batshit crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound really oversimplified, but you are in a good place because you are done. Because you can walk away, you have all the power. I recommend you see a lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row and financially and logistically - know the law about whether you can take the kids, leave the house, etc. act as if you expect a divorce and expect him to play dirty.

My mom had an awful temper my whole childhood and well into my 30s. She’s just a total bitch. She’s always the victim. No one can do anything right. She used to swear at my dad and I and throw things constantly. We were always on eggshells. One day in my late 20s I decided I was done. When she threw her fits I just reacted totally calmly and deadpan. I took away her power by deciding I didn’t care and that I wasn’t going to let her upset me. It made her super mad - like a toddler being ignored. I didn’t cut her off, I just would sit and listen. Eventually she realized she couldn’t get what she wanted by throwing a fit. We have a great relationship now.

OP here and I appreciate your input about a strategy for dealing with the tantrums. I don’t want to divorce my husband. I don’t want to take my kids’ father away, because he is honestly good to them and loves them. I want to be able to have difficult adult conversations with him without him blowing up and running off, I want him to be nicer and more patient, even when we’re in the sh*t. I know these are our most stressful years and I don’t want to give up under the pressure, but I’ve got to have a partner in this, not another petulant kid to parent. I don’t want to throw around the threat of divorce carelessly, but I do need him to realize his behavior is serious enough that I’ve considered leaving just to get a break from it.

OP, he sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. You need to get him into therapy or get yourself out of there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are you the OP of the "my DH said he did not want to be my child's dad" thread?

NO! I read that one though. It broke my heart.

Thank you again to the PPs who have offered their input. I haven’t replied to them all but I’ve read them and will consider all angles. I’m turning in now to get my requisite three hours of sleep. :/

I’ll update when I’ve had a chance to clear my head and put together an approach. Thanks again, everyone.

Wishing you the best OP!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
20:35 again.

Yes, it is ADHD. Whenever I post this people can't stand it, but it is.

My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, after our son was diagnosed, but refuses to take his meds, because he feels "quite all right without them". When literally his life is is shambles because of it (he's been let go multiple times for failing to be productive and follow directions at work, he has no friends, he forgets his keys or wallet every day and has to go back for them, etc).

It makes sense that your husband would have ADHD as well. Medication is generally well-tolerated and efficient... if he agrees to take them every day. They have made a huge difference to our son's quality of life.

The part that people can't stand is blaming a condition that is well managed and treated by many, rather than recognizing your husband is an ahole who happens to have ADHD. It's also your insistence than fits of anger are a common symptom of ADHD; they aren't. Not saying it doesn't happen but it's not how you make it sound.

They are. Ask your psychiatrist. Look it up. Anger is related to lack of emotional control, which is related to the impulsive issues commonly seen in ADHD, and is the primary reason why people with ADHD are more likely to commit crimes and be in prison. Which is a fact you can also look up.

Inattentive ADD, the kind that causes forgetfulness and organizational issues, is not the same as the more stereotypical ADHD. So your husband is diagnosed as combined type?

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are you the OP of the "my DH said he did not want to be my child's dad" thread?

NO! I read that one though. It broke my heart.

Thank you again to the PPs who have offered their input. I haven’t replied to them all but I’ve read them and will consider all angles. I’m turning in now to get my requisite three hours of sleep. :/

I’ll update when I’ve had a chance to clear my head and put together an approach. Thanks again, everyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
20:35 again.

Yes, it is ADHD. Whenever I post this people can't stand it, but it is.

My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, after our son was diagnosed, but refuses to take his meds, because he feels "quite all right without them". When literally his life is is shambles because of it (he's been let go multiple times for failing to be productive and follow directions at work, he has no friends, he forgets his keys or wallet every day and has to go back for them, etc).

It makes sense that your husband would have ADHD as well. Medication is generally well-tolerated and efficient... if he agrees to take them every day. They have made a huge difference to our son's quality of life.

The part that people can't stand is blaming a condition that is well managed and treated by many, rather than recognizing your husband is an ahole who happens to have ADHD. It's also your insistence than fits of anger are a common symptom of ADHD; they aren't. Not saying it doesn't happen but it's not how you make it sound.

They are. Ask your psychiatrist. Look it up. Anger is related to lack of emotional control, which is related to the impulsive issues commonly seen in ADHD, and is the primary reason why people with ADHD are more likely to commit crimes and be in prison. Which is a fact you can also look up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid in your own house. That is the bottom line.

OP here. Let me be clear: I am in no way afraid for my safety or that of my kids. No way. I’ve known this man half my life and I genuinely can say he is nonviolent. I’m actually not even sure he’s been in a fistfight. What I am is weary of not being able to talk about stressful stuff (parenting, disagreements, money) without having to diffuse his temper first. I want him to see that his go-to response (taking it to 11) hurts me. What are the words I can use to convince him that he needs to tone down his reactions?

There aren't words, only action. His whole life he's gotten everyone (his family, you) to accommodate his horrible behavior by handling him with kid gloves and walking on eggshells around him. The only way to get your point across now is to behave differently to show him through action that you won't stand for his behavior any longer. Words aren't going to cut it.

DP. +1. I simply worry that OP’s DH may react outside of the “norm” she describes him as having if OP is the pack leader, after all these years, and unassisted in this. He might blow a gasket. Or become physical. I’d be wary. That said, I’ve been a victim of abuse that got worse when I put my foot down and changed my behavior. His got more extreme. I don’t want that to happen to OP, because her DH seems easily triggered. Acts of aggression intimidate without having to get into a fiat fight. What happens when the intimidation tactics aren’t effective at having her toe the line anymore?

You may not be fearful of your DH, but I would use caution in how you approach things. Would he be open to family counseling? Notice I said family, not marital. It impacts everyone.

Excellent points.