Reply to Daughter is feeling nervous about new step siblings

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Reply to "Daughter is feeling nervous about new step siblings "

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[quote=Anonymous]I don't think OP is "blind" to the fact that the transition will be difficult for her daughter.  That is why she is asking for advice!  Gloom and doom scenarios are not inevitable, but yes, it is good to be aware that blending a family isn't all rainbows and butterflies either.  Like anything, it really depends on how the situation is handled.  The maturity of the adults and a willingness to communicate, forgive, and compromise is essential to making it work.  Even then, yes, sometimes personalities clashing and just plain family/parenting differences can not be overcome.  I have lived this scenario for the past 8 years and I will not lie, it is HARD!  But, at the same time, I feel my blended family is successful.

In my experience, the "only child" coming into this IS the most vulnerable.  It will be the most difficult for her to find her place.  But, it doesn't mean the result will be catastrophic.  Cautionary tales about overcompensation with steps is a real pitfall.  Let each bioparent parent their OWN child(ren) in the beginning (unless real danger is a factor).  This may be forever, but it may shift as time goes on.  One on one time with your biological child is crucial, and as time goes on, start bridging into one on one time with the step kids.  Dont force a relationship.  Let the relationship develop naturally.  The step parent relationship is more of an Aunt or Uncle role, so keep that in mind.

Do not force your kids to play together.  Do not get involved in minor disagreements between the kids, when they happen (and they will)...let them navigate those on their own unless there is an obvious case of bullying or threatening behavior.  Always validate your child's feelings but do not create a dynamic of "us vs. them" with your child.

Create new traditions with everyone, but allow preexisting family traditions to continue for each bioparent and their kid(s).  For us, we opted to make sure our kids did not share the same weekends with us, in the beginning.  That helped the transition, as well.  Family meals with everyone at the table, at least once or twice a week (the way our visitation schedules work, this is possible) gives everyone a voice and a feeling of being heard.

Blending a family has been the most difficult thing I think I have ever done, and it is constantly changing.  As the kids grow, dynamics shift and adjustments have to be made.  I will say it has been the most rewarding thing that I have done, as well.  Our kids have had a rough time, for sure, but they are also strong and legitimately care about each other.  My husband and I have strong relationships with our step kids and ultimately, we all consider each other family.  It is possible.  I couldn't fathom breaking up our unit, and my bio child would be devastated to lose his step dad and step siblings.[/quote]

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