Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

The OP already showed her a bad example with her first husband. She doesn't need another bad example with the second when it will undoubtedly cause the child stress and unhappiness. The OP had her chance with hubby number 1, now it is her time to prioritize her daughter.

So because my ex husband left me for his OP, I’m not allowed to find love or get married until my daughter is 18? I guess I learned something new. What a terrible mother I am!

Why haven't you initiated family counseling for all concerned? Believe me, the other two kids have the same fears! You and future husband should use your heads and get into counselling prior to marriage and keep it up after marriage.

Not everything needs family counseling or counseling. Is that this boards answer to everything?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

The OP already showed her a bad example with her first husband. She doesn't need another bad example with the second when it will undoubtedly cause the child stress and unhappiness. The OP had her chance with hubby number 1, now it is her time to prioritize her daughter.

So because my ex husband left me for his OP, I’m not allowed to find love or get married until my daughter is 18? I guess I learned something new. What a terrible mother I am!

Why haven't you initiated family counseling for all concerned? Believe me, the other two kids have the same fears! You and future husband should use your heads and get into counselling prior to marriage and keep it up after marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

The OP already showed her a bad example with her first husband. She doesn't need another bad example with the second when it will undoubtedly cause the child stress and unhappiness. The OP had her chance with hubby number 1, now it is her time to prioritize her daughter.

So because my ex husband left me for his OP, I’m not allowed to find love or get married until my daughter is 18? I guess I learned something new. What a terrible mother I am!

With this crowd they get a pass and you don’t !

Anonymous wrote:You people are insane. It is not for the children to decide when/if the parents get remarried. OP has every right to find and get married to a new partner.

No one is arguing about OPs rights, are they?

You have the "right" to punish your child for smiling. You have the "right" to never tell your son that you love him. You have the "right" to come home after work every night and not speak to your children.

But what kind of relationship do you think you will have with your children?

We're not talking about "rights" we're talking about relationships.

You people are insane. It is not for the children to decide when/if the parents get remarried. OP has every right to find and get married to a new partner.

I don't think OP is "blind" to the fact that the transition will be difficult for her daughter. That is why she is asking for advice! Gloom and doom scenarios are not inevitable, but yes, it is good to be aware that blending a family isn't all rainbows and butterflies either. Like anything, it really depends on how the situation is handled. The maturity of the adults and a willingness to communicate, forgive, and compromise is essential to making it work. Even then, yes, sometimes personalities clashing and just plain family/parenting differences can not be overcome. I have lived this scenario for the past 8 years and I will not lie, it is HARD! But, at the same time, I feel my blended family is successful.

In my experience, the "only child" coming into this IS the most vulnerable. It will be the most difficult for her to find her place. But, it doesn't mean the result will be catastrophic. Cautionary tales about overcompensation with steps is a real pitfall. Let each bioparent parent their OWN child(ren) in the beginning (unless real danger is a factor). This may be forever, but it may shift as time goes on. One on one time with your biological child is crucial, and as time goes on, start bridging into one on one time with the step kids. Dont force a relationship. Let the relationship develop naturally. The step parent relationship is more of an Aunt or Uncle role, so keep that in mind.

Do not force your kids to play together. Do not get involved in minor disagreements between the kids, when they happen (and they will)...let them navigate those on their own unless there is an obvious case of bullying or threatening behavior. Always validate your child's feelings but do not create a dynamic of "us vs. them" with your child.

Create new traditions with everyone, but allow preexisting family traditions to continue for each bioparent and their kid(s). For us, we opted to make sure our kids did not share the same weekends with us, in the beginning. That helped the transition, as well. Family meals with everyone at the table, at least once or twice a week (the way our visitation schedules work, this is possible) gives everyone a voice and a feeling of being heard.

Blending a family has been the most difficult thing I think I have ever done, and it is constantly changing. As the kids grow, dynamics shift and adjustments have to be made. I will say it has been the most rewarding thing that I have done, as well. Our kids have had a rough time, for sure, but they are also strong and legitimately care about each other. My husband and I have strong relationships with our step kids and ultimately, we all consider each other family. It is possible. I couldn't fathom breaking up our unit, and my bio child would be devastated to lose his step dad and step siblings.

You must reassure her that you love her and that this will never change. I grew up with both parents who hate each other. The worst part for a child is not knowing where she stands in her parent's priorities. No matter the family situation. How do you show stepkids your love and make sure your DD knows she comes first to you? How do you not overcompensate attention to stepkids with making your DD feel neglected? I know several blended families. In one instance, mom is always there for her teen DD or any school event. She is there for even private lessons DD has even if she brings her ipad to work. She is lucky to work part time. Other mom married(and very well off) she is SAHM, she completely neglected her first child. In fact he lives with grandparents and spends almost no time with his mom, his dad is worse. Luckily child has grandparents who adore him. She overcompensated wit her attention to step child and then had more kids with new husband. At this point she is not involved in raising any kids, she is dealing with an addiction issue and in and out of rehab. She had none these problems before. These things are hard to navigate, and it will be very hard on your DD, you, other kids, your DH. Other than telling you to make sure your Dd knows she is your priority and you love her, I don't know what else you can do. It will be hard, that is sure and your DD came to you very maturely with her concerns. Respect that and don't tell her how she is "getting new siblings" that is cruel right now.

OP, you posted on here asking for help. You seem to be extremely naive or completely in denial about what this experience will be like for your daughter, in your opening statement you proclaim shock that your daughter is struggling. Really? It's that surprising to you? Really?

You've gotten advice you don't want and you are defensive. So ignore it! Do what you want. People are trying to help you but you don't see that.

Good luck to your daughter.

^^ I realize OP has weighed in to confirm she divorced, but she’s hadn’t when you posted this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

The OP already showed her a bad example with her first husband. She doesn't need another bad example with the second when it will undoubtedly cause the child stress and unhappiness. The OP had her chance with hubby number 1, now it is her time to prioritize her daughter.

WTF. For all you know, her first husband died or she didn’t have one... What is up with the harassing responses?

Anonymous wrote:And this is why people with minor children shouldn’t remarry. She is scared OP. Between her concerns and the divorce rate of second marriages— well you have your head in the sand.

Focus on your child.

This isn’t obviously the fourth post in a row from the same poster. Grammar identical plus super close together time stamps on a lightly posted on forum. I don’t know what your agenda is, but stop taking it out on OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

The OP already showed her a bad example with her first husband. She doesn't need another bad example with the second when it will undoubtedly cause the child stress and unhappiness. The OP had her chance with hubby number 1, now it is her time to prioritize her daughter.

Parents can be in loving relationships and still make their kids a priority. She needs to be reassured things like where are you living - will she still get her own room equal to what she has now? Can she still do her activities? Will she still get mom time? What about her relationship with Dad. Its reasonable to be worried and ask questions.

+1 to all of this!

Finally a measured & reasonable response that doesn't involve sweeping generalizations, worst case scenario assumptions, or needless judgement & sanctimony!

Agreed - I was wondering if there were one or two posters repeatedly posting the same thing.

It seems like a lot of projection happening here . . .

I’m starting to think the same thing.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but I have to say I've been there/done that and it is not the fairy tale you think it will be. When 2 people are madly in love they think the kids will be fine, everyone will adjust, love conquers all, blah blah blah.

What will happen is that every kid will feel short changed and you and your fiance will both feel that the others children are spoiled and you each don't discipline them strongly enough.

I implore you to find a therapist that specializes in blending families and you and your fiance meet with her/him for several months prior to the wedding. You can set realistic expectations and boundaries that way.

This. People want to believe that their love will make everyone else have a good experience too, but that's not how it works. This child has already lost a lot of parental time and attention, and been through an enormous upheaval. Now you're putting her through another one. Maybe it will all work out for the best, but you cannot deny that this is a huge change and it is reasonable for her to be concerned. You are about to undertake being the stepmother of TWO teenagers and you just will not have the same amount of time for your daughter. That's just the fact of the matter. Denying it will only reinforce her belief that she is alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it’s not about Christmas and her wedding it’s about all of a sudden sharing a house, a mother (who will now be a wife and a step mother) with a teen girl. That’s a tough age. She’s giving you the chance to do the right things now. Please take advantage of it for her sake.

OP here, I was that girl (around DD’s age) when my mom remarried. My stepfather had older kids and he and my mom ended up having two kids together. My dad also remarried and has stepkids and another biological child. Was it Brady Bunch perfect? Of course not! But it wasn’t the horror story you guys think divorce and remarriage are. I’m really close to my stepbrothers to this day!

Before anyone asks, don’t I want better for my daughter, of course I do! I would’ve loved to have never gotten divorced in the first place. Some things are beyond my control. No matter what, my daughter always has and always will come first. If anything, I’m bringing more love to her life.

Eyeroll. I'm sure that's what you want to do. But it's a lot more complicated than you seem to think. I'm glad that your stepfamily experience worked out well for you as a child, but there's no guarantee that your daughter's experience will be the same. If you can't comprehend that this is difficult for her, then you're going to make it more difficult for everyone. Try to get your head around the idea that your positive experience does not guarantee her the same.