Reply to Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!

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Reply to "Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!"

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[quote=Anonymous]
OP, I hope you can ignore the ridiculous and totally off-topic stuff about what different generations do, or whether statistically more women keep their names or whatever.

Not relevant to you, here, now.

Several on-topic posters have touched on what occurs to me as well: He may say this is only about names, but whether he sees it or not, this is not really about names at all. He is making a huge deal out of something that could have been simply: "I'd feel great about it if you took my name, and that would be meaningful to me, but if you want to keep yours, I get it. What are your thoughts about keeping your name?"

He did not do that or any version of it. He made this the [i]one thing [/i]on which he's digging in his heels to the point he's cooled, noticeably, on wedding planning with you.

That means this one thing isn't the One Thing at all. It's a cover, or substitute, for something else, possibly something he himself hasn't yet realized.

--Maybe he's reluctant to get married, maybe to you, or maybe at all. 
--Maybe he wants to marry you, but has some very strict ideas about what "marriage" means that haven't come up between you before, and the name issue is just the tip of an iceberg you need to uncover before you do anything else.
--Maybe he proposed to appease you because he felt you were going to walk if you didn't get a proposal, even if he was fine with the status quo between you and he's angry that you're actually proceeding with plans. (See today's Washington Post advice column by Carolyn Hax -- see if you think there are any similarities between that letter writer's situation and yours, on the engagement-as-appeasement front.) 
--Maybe someone in his family isn't as OK with your keeping your name as you thought and he's getting pressure behind the scenes about the name -- or about marrying at all.

The larger picture is that the name issue is now making him withdraw his interest in and commitment to even planning a wedding, [i]much less a marriage[/i]. There are too many "maybes" and not enough communication in this whole situation. If he cannot or will not see that, and cannot or will not see that there is a larger issue at play -- then you need to rethink marrying him.

I would start with talking, like any adult couple should, and seeing if you can get him to step back from the reflexive emotion of "Name change = commitment." If he is unable to acknowledge that you see it differently, I would tell him that the wedding plans are on hold until you have both been to couples therapy because YOU feel there is more going on behind the name issue. If he insists that you're being self-centered to say HE must get therapy with you, go on your own, and weigh what it means that he refused to see a therapist together.

Meanwhile, I'd sit down and think hard about how he relates to you: Does he respect other things you choose to say and do? Does he try to change you, or criticize you, in ways large or small? Does he tend to care a great deal what his friends, coworkers, bosses or family will think of him? Also look at how he relates to and has learned from his family of origin: Does he talk about how he was raised with "old-fashioned values" or how he wants to be just like his parents? That can be great if they're a great example, but if he thinks that means super-traditional roles and norms, that feeds back into: Does he respect your choices if they don't fit those norms? And so on. All of this should come up in therapy but you can think through what you've heard him say and seen him do over the years.

Being THIS adamant about something as "administrative" as a name change, when you're supposedly enough in love to want to bind your lives together in marriage, is a big red flag, especially as he is now [i]changing his behavior toward you because of it [/i].

FWIW, my DH of 25 years told me when we got engaged, "I hope you don't feel you need to change your name; yours is great." As a result, I kept mine (legally and professionally) but am also happy to be called Mrs. HisName by our kid's friends or adults who don't know us well. The topic of names has never once come up again in all these years. [/quote]

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