That's a deal-breaker.

Not because a name is important - it's not. But because it sounds like he's a control freak and will always want to have his preferences come first.

I didn't change my name but I have ZERO problems being addressed by my husband's last name. What mattered was that my husband was fine with my choice, whatever it was.

I suggest you tell him this is making you reconsider because you are afraid he has control issues. If he tells you that this is further demonstration of your non-commitment, tell him he is GASLIGHTING you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you can both adopt a new last name, together. That's commitment from both of you.

He'll refuse of course, but at least it will expose that it's not about commitment at all.

My friend and her husband did this. THey picked a GREAT name.

Now that shows real commitment!

The name issue is a proxy for a much bigger issue. How do the two of you deal with disagreement?

It sounds like he tries to impose his will and then if that doesn't work, shut down.

And then yes, also it's concerning what staunchly outdated and controlling views he has on this issue.

OP, I hope you can ignore the ridiculous and totally off-topic stuff about what different generations do, or whether statistically more women keep their names or whatever.

Not relevant to you, here, now.

Several on-topic posters have touched on what occurs to me as well: He may say this is only about names, but whether he sees it or not, this is not really about names at all. He is making a huge deal out of something that could have been simply: "I'd feel great about it if you took my name, and that would be meaningful to me, but if you want to keep yours, I get it. What are your thoughts about keeping your name?"

He did not do that or any version of it. He made this the one thing on which he's digging in his heels to the point he's cooled, noticeably, on wedding planning with you.

That means this one thing isn't the One Thing at all. It's a cover, or substitute, for something else, possibly something he himself hasn't yet realized.

--Maybe he's reluctant to get married, maybe to you, or maybe at all.
--Maybe he wants to marry you, but has some very strict ideas about what "marriage" means that haven't come up between you before, and the name issue is just the tip of an iceberg you need to uncover before you do anything else.
--Maybe he proposed to appease you because he felt you were going to walk if you didn't get a proposal, even if he was fine with the status quo between you and he's angry that you're actually proceeding with plans. (See today's Washington Post advice column by Carolyn Hax -- see if you think there are any similarities between that letter writer's situation and yours, on the engagement-as-appeasement front.)
--Maybe someone in his family isn't as OK with your keeping your name as you thought and he's getting pressure behind the scenes about the name -- or about marrying at all.

The larger picture is that the name issue is now making him withdraw his interest in and commitment to even planning a wedding, much less a marriage. There are too many "maybes" and not enough communication in this whole situation. If he cannot or will not see that, and cannot or will not see that there is a larger issue at play -- then you need to rethink marrying him.

I would start with talking, like any adult couple should, and seeing if you can get him to step back from the reflexive emotion of "Name change = commitment." If he is unable to acknowledge that you see it differently, I would tell him that the wedding plans are on hold until you have both been to couples therapy because YOU feel there is more going on behind the name issue. If he insists that you're being self-centered to say HE must get therapy with you, go on your own, and weigh what it means that he refused to see a therapist together.

Meanwhile, I'd sit down and think hard about how he relates to you: Does he respect other things you choose to say and do? Does he try to change you, or criticize you, in ways large or small? Does he tend to care a great deal what his friends, coworkers, bosses or family will think of him? Also look at how he relates to and has learned from his family of origin: Does he talk about how he was raised with "old-fashioned values" or how he wants to be just like his parents? That can be great if they're a great example, but if he thinks that means super-traditional roles and norms, that feeds back into: Does he respect your choices if they don't fit those norms? And so on. All of this should come up in therapy but you can think through what you've heard him say and seen him do over the years.

Being THIS adamant about something as "administrative" as a name change, when you're supposedly enough in love to want to bind your lives together in marriage, is a big red flag, especially as he is now changing his behavior toward you because of it .

FWIW, my DH of 25 years told me when we got engaged, "I hope you don't feel you need to change your name; yours is great." As a result, I kept mine (legally and professionally) but am also happy to be called Mrs. HisName by our kid's friends or adults who don't know us well. The topic of names has never once come up again in all these years.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

I didn't change my name. I'm 46. I'd say about half of my friends from college (ivy league) changed their name. From my workplace/grad school, less than half. For me, I had published a couple of books before I got married so I was definitely continuing to use my name in professional circumstances. The only discussion DH and I had about names was which last name our kids would have.

Also, my mom is divorced, she changed her name and never changed it back because that's how she was known for like 30 years. If I'm going to be dumped, I dont want to feel like I have to decide whether to go back to a name I hadn't used in 20 years. another friend of mine faced this too, and said that changing her name back was painful and she wished she had never changed it to begin with. Men dont have to face this issue.

It's not the actual name change, it's how he's behaving that makes me feel iffy about this situation. Is this how you want to resolve your disagreements in the future? By prioritizing how embarrassed he would feel if you were to do something that is fairly normal?

I live in DC, and when I see rosters of parents' names from my kids' classes, roughly half the women (if not more) have maiden names. This is NOT unusual in this day and age.

My DH never suggested I change my name. I might have done it as a personal decision, but I would have been annoyed if he'd pressured me into it. In the past 11 years, I've never once regretted keeping my name as is.

Now, it's possible that there's something else that is bothering your fiancé and he's fixating on the name issue. Perhaps there are other reasons he's got for not feeling like you're "all in"? Give it some time, take a break from planning, and then reevaluate in another month or two.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

I'm 39 and practically everyone in my (highly educated, real professional accolades, as you say) social circle kept their names. I can think of a single example of someone who did not, and she's always been the most conservative of the bunch.

Ok - you and pp (40/ivy) are making my point. You are of the generation that was the most open on this issue

Likely. I'll add that our circle also has 0 divorces, which is statistically anomalous since most of us have been married 10-15 years. So...there may be generational differences in terms of who changes their name, but no obvious correlation with "commitment" or divorce rate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

I'm 39 and practically everyone in my (highly educated, real professional accolades, as you say) social circle kept their names. I can think of a single example of someone who did not, and she's always been the most conservative of the bunch.

Ok - you and pp (40/ivy) are making my point. You are of the generation that was the most open on this issue

He has cold feet. He doesn't really care about the name thing but is picking something that you feel strongly about. He doesn't want to get married to you:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

I'm 39 and practically everyone in my (highly educated, real professional accolades, as you say) social circle kept their names. I can think of a single example of someone who did not, and she's always been the most conservative of the bunch.

I will be hyphenating my name; case closed.

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn't the name change. It's his sudden reversal. He wants out. (He's probably having an affair.) He wants to blame you for demise of your relationship because you won't do what he wants.

I like giving him the opportunity to commit to you and take your name. Or take an entirely new name for the both of you.

He won't come through.

He won’t come through because that is stupid and less than 1% of the population does it. That is not giving him a real opportunity. Get real.

I kept my name. My husband hates that I did. I gave him the option to walk, but I wasn't changing my mind. We've been married for 20 years. I think it still bugs him, and he is not-so-secretly pleased when someone calls me Mrs. His Last Name, but whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

I'm a 40+ Ivy grad and did not change my name. Some of my friends did and many others did not. Our marriages are all going fine!

Imo gen x is the most “liberal” on this particular issue

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

I think you are quite dim.

Are you asserting that a majority of dcum’ers didn’t change their name?

I think younger millennials and gen z are going to be more traditional with this as well

I'm sorry, you think younger generations are going to be MORE traditional around marriage and name changes? You have no, no idea do you?

If you’ve noticed, gen z and younger millennials want to get married earlier And sahm more than gen x and older millennials

There was a huge thread on this on here last year. Either in this forum or off-topic

On issues like abortion and sex, that data is showing gen z is more conservative than gen x