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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So my SIL just got engaged and we are thrilled!  I absolutely love her fiance and she and I are very close.  I am married to her older brother and have been in her life since she was a teen.  They had a rough upbringing and I have played a big role in her life as a female figure and confidant and I know she really looks to me in many ways.

After her engagement I got a text from one of her friends who lives out of town saying she would like to coordinate with me to have an engagement party for them.  I reached out to my SIL and said I'd be happy to do whatever I can and help out.  I asked my SIL if she would like me to have it at my home and she immediately said she would and was very excited.  I am happy to do this for her and it feels like a good fit as my husband and my house is where we hold all family events on his side and his divorced parents both live in small apartments.

Now the friend is texting me her plans for the party in terms of the decorations she is buying, the food and drinks she wants to serve, and even suggested she would ask my father in law to bring a keg of beer for everyone.

I am taken aback as when I offered to have the party I meant, I would have the party.  Her friend is acting as if my house is a venue for her to dictate and I am not okay with that.  If she wants to bring an appetizer great but she is not throwing a party at my home.  Also if I am going to coordinate with anyone it is my inlaws and my brother in law to be's family.  I am very family oriented and find this friend to be overstepping her bounds.  All of this said I just want my SIL to be happy and enjoy her celebration but I can't stop being who I am.

If friend wants to call the shots I think they need another venue and friend needs to foot the bill in that case.

Please set me straight on how to handle all this.  My goal is to not allow wedding stuff (which I personally believe is overrated) to effect my wonderful relationship with my SIL while still maintaining my own standards.[/quote]

OP here, reposting my original post as I think some might want to reread.  I have not responded to friend yet so no need to freak out that I have cut her out of anything.  I haven't responded yet at all regarding her very long text with many details of the food she wants me to get, the beer she is telling my father in law to bring and the decorating she will be doing of my house.  I actually came looking for guidance from the forum on what peoples' thoughts were so maybe more constructive ideas than judgement if you don't mind.

My intentions could not possibly be more focused on celebrating my SIL and BIL to be who I adore and see multiple times per week. This friend lives 14 hours away and has for many years. I have never met this person ever and have been married for 14 years and spent all holidays and birthdays with my SIL since she was 14.  Also this engagement which BIL made me and my kids and our parents a huge part of happened on Monday (this week).  I believe her friend needs to settle down honestly.  Those saying it was her idea, how could anyone have had time to have any idea in 1 day!

Another important detail, I offered to have the party after my SIL said that her friend is in town for a few days in less than 2 weeks and she doesn't have anywhere to throw it or the money to do so but wants to have a party for her.  What does this mean? [b] I feel there are maturity issues[/b] here and perhaps a lack of grasp of reality of what it takes to plan and pay for parties. All that said I am taking in all the comments and I may very well just roll with this and let friend "throw" the party.  I ultimately only care about SIL and BIL and our family and any drama or stress isn't worth it.

I honestly think weddings and the surrounding events are wildly overrated and in most cases result in totally unnecessary cost and too often debt and frequently hurt feelings and damaged relationships for absolutely no good reason but I won't be sharing any of that with SIL because it's not my place.

thanks for the feedback:)

[/quote]

You are correct , you do have a maturity issue.

If you are older and have more experience, then why did you not reach out to the friend via phone after setting up the arrangement to discuss the details?  You should have asked her what she had in mind, discussed which aspects each of you would cover for the party and then discussed costs and who would pay. You should be mature and confident enough to have this conversation and be direct with your questions to avoid misunderstanding.  If you are uncomfortable with certain drinks, foods or decorations in your home, say that and suggest alternatives. [/quote]

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