Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks this engagement party is crazy? In my circle the couple throws themselves an engagement party. A shower has gifts and is thrown by friends or a sibling. Most people do not have engagement parties.

An engagement party is traditionally NOT thrown by the engaged couple.

If her friend has no money to throw the party, how is a friend throwing a party and OP just being a co host who offered the venue? If I am reading this right, friend told OP what kind of food to get, and what beer FIL is to get, but I don't see any mention of this friend offering to pay for anything. Call me old fashioned, but throwing somebody a party means you pay for good chunk of that party.

22:16, you are insufferable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL just got engaged and we are thrilled! I absolutely love her fiance and she and I are very close. I am married to her older brother and have been in her life since she was a teen. They had a rough upbringing and I have played a big role in her life as a female figure and confidant and I know she really looks to me in many ways.

After her engagement I got a text from one of her friends who lives out of town saying she would like to coordinate with me to have an engagement party for them. I reached out to my SIL and said I'd be happy to do whatever I can and help out. I asked my SIL if she would like me to have it at my home and she immediately said she would and was very excited. I am happy to do this for her and it feels like a good fit as my husband and my house is where we hold all family events on his side and his divorced parents both live in small apartments.

Now the friend is texting me her plans for the party in terms of the decorations she is buying, the food and drinks she wants to serve, and even suggested she would ask my father in law to bring a keg of beer for everyone.

I am taken aback as when I offered to have the party I meant, I would have the party. Her friend is acting as if my house is a venue for her to dictate and I am not okay with that. If she wants to bring an appetizer great but she is not throwing a party at my home. Also if I am going to coordinate with anyone it is my inlaws and my brother in law to be's family. I am very family oriented and find this friend to be overstepping her bounds. All of this said I just want my SIL to be happy and enjoy her celebration but I can't stop being who I am.

If friend wants to call the shots I think they need another venue and friend needs to foot the bill in that case.

Please set me straight on how to handle all this. My goal is to not allow wedding stuff (which I personally believe is overrated) to effect my wonderful relationship with my SIL while still maintaining my own standards.

OP here, reposting my original post as I think some might want to reread. I have not responded to friend yet so no need to freak out that I have cut her out of anything. I haven't responded yet at all regarding her very long text with many details of the food she wants me to get, the beer she is telling my father in law to bring and the decorating she will be doing of my house. I actually came looking for guidance from the forum on what peoples' thoughts were so maybe more constructive ideas than judgement if you don't mind.

My intentions could not possibly be more focused on celebrating my SIL and BIL to be who I adore and see multiple times per week. This friend lives 14 hours away and has for many years. I have never met this person ever and have been married for 14 years and spent all holidays and birthdays with my SIL since she was 14. Also this engagement which BIL made me and my kids and our parents a huge part of happened on Monday (this week). I believe her friend needs to settle down honestly. Those saying it was her idea, how could anyone have had time to have any idea in 1 day!

Another important detail, I offered to have the party after my SIL said that her friend is in town for a few days in less than 2 weeks and she doesn't have anywhere to throw it or the money to do so but wants to have a party for her. What does this mean? I feel there are maturity issues here and perhaps a lack of grasp of reality of what it takes to plan and pay for parties. All that said I am taking in all the comments and I may very well just roll with this and let friend "throw" the party. I ultimately only care about SIL and BIL and our family and any drama or stress isn't worth it.

I honestly think weddings and the surrounding events are wildly overrated and in most cases result in totally unnecessary cost and too often debt and frequently hurt feelings and damaged relationships for absolutely no good reason but I won't be sharing any of that with SIL because it's not my place.

thanks for the feedback

You are correct , you do have a maturity issue.

If you are older and have more experience, then why did you not reach out to the friend via phone after setting up the arrangement to discuss the details? You should have asked her what she had in mind, discussed which aspects each of you would cover for the party and then discussed costs and who would pay. You should be mature and confident enough to have this conversation and be direct with your questions to avoid misunderstanding. If you are uncomfortable with certain drinks, foods or decorations in your home, say that and suggest alternatives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

+1. Well said.

I have to agree as well. I'm all about things being done properly but the friend did reach out to you so technically it is her party. Just plan with her and be careful next time.

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I appreciate and agree with the feedback. I am feeling kind of uncomfortable but my goal is completely to be joyous and celebrate with my SIL. I needed this feedback to help me get properly oriented.

It is a situation where there is an age difference and that may be some of it. I will say that there was some miscommunication as in my mind when I offered my house that meant I would be hosting the party not "co-hosting" as has been described but maybe I can "co-host". It's not something I've done before in my house but I can try.

I truly want this is be a fun and celebratory experience for all.

Thanks!

I think you have a great attitude OP and the party's going to be a great success.

I would make the/your/whatever co-host help you with cleanup! LOL.

Enjoy the upcoming festivities.

I was in a similar position several years ago. DH and I have a beautiful home that is perfect for entertaining. My MIL asked if I would coordinate a shower for my SIL with SIL's best friend. Turns out MIL and friend had already decided on all the decor, food, drinks and entertainment (games). Not what I would have done but, like you, I love SIL and she was so delighted to have it at our house, so I let them do it their way. I helped out where I could and DH hung the decorations. Everyone had a nice time and thought I was the best SIL on earth. It's just for one event and all the tacky food and decor will leave the premises afterwards.

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL just got engaged and we are thrilled! I absolutely love her fiance and she and I are very close. I am married to her older brother and have been in her life since she was a teen. They had a rough upbringing and I have played a big role in her life as a female figure and confidant and I know she really looks to me in many ways.

After her engagement I got a text from one of her friends who lives out of town saying she would like to coordinate with me to have an engagement party for them. I reached out to my SIL and said I'd be happy to do whatever I can and help out. I asked my SIL if she would like me to have it at my home and she immediately said she would and was very excited. I am happy to do this for her and it feels like a good fit as my husband and my house is where we hold all family events on his side and his divorced parents both live in small apartments.

Now the friend is texting me her plans for the party in terms of the decorations she is buying, the food and drinks she wants to serve, and even suggested she would ask my father in law to bring a keg of beer for everyone.

I am taken aback as when I offered to have the party I meant, I would have the party. Her friend is acting as if my house is a venue for her to dictate and I am not okay with that. If she wants to bring an appetizer great but she is not throwing a party at my home. Also if I am going to coordinate with anyone it is my inlaws and my brother in law to be's family. I am very family oriented and find this friend to be overstepping her bounds. All of this said I just want my SIL to be happy and enjoy her celebration but I can't stop being who I am.

If friend wants to call the shots I think they need another venue and friend needs to foot the bill in that case.

Please set me straight on how to handle all this. My goal is to not allow wedding stuff (which I personally believe is overrated) to effect my wonderful relationship with my SIL while still maintaining my own standards.

OP here, reposting my original post as I think some might want to reread. I have not responded to friend yet so no need to freak out that I have cut her out of anything. I haven't responded yet at all regarding her very long text with many details of the food she wants me to get, the beer she is telling my father in law to bring and the decorating she will be doing of my house. I actually came looking for guidance from the forum on what peoples' thoughts were so maybe more constructive ideas than judgement if you don't mind.

My intentions could not possibly be more focused on celebrating my SIL and BIL to be who I adore and see multiple times per week. This friend lives 14 hours away and has for many years. I have never met this person ever and have been married for 14 years and spent all holidays and birthdays with my SIL since she was 14. Also this engagement which BIL made me and my kids and our parents a huge part of happened on Monday (this week). I believe her friend needs to settle down honestly. Those saying it was her idea, how could anyone have had time to have any idea in 1 day!

Another important detail, I offered to have the party after my SIL said that her friend is in town for a few days in less than 2 weeks and she doesn't have anywhere to throw it or the money to do so but wants to have a party for her. What does this mean? I feel there are maturity issues here and perhaps a lack of grasp of reality of what it takes to plan and pay for parties. All that said I am taking in all the comments and I may very well just roll with this and let friend "throw" the party. I ultimately only care about SIL and BIL and our family and any drama or stress isn't worth it.

I honestly think weddings and the surrounding events are wildly overrated and in most cases result in totally unnecessary cost and too often debt and frequently hurt feelings and damaged relationships for absolutely no good reason but I won't be sharing any of that with SIL because it's not my place.

thanks for the feedback

You offered to have the party at your house, but you can't usurp her plans to host! Think of your house as a blank slate and let the friend have some control over decorations and food. Obviously you want to make sure your place isn't destroyed, but your SIL and her friends are young and have fun. A keg should be fine! Use paper plates to make clean up easier. But most importantly let the friend take the lead. It sounds like you have had plenty of opportunities to host your SIL and family in your home, let this young woman plan a party for her friend!

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

I agree with this as well. The party was friend's idea. You knew from the start that the friend wanted to be involved in throwing this party, as she suggested coordinating. It's really bitchy of you to co-opt the friend's idea to throw an engagement party and try to leave her out of it. Who cares that it's at your house? Lots of showers, etc. are hosted by 2 or more people/bridesmaids. 9

If you can't work with her like an adult, then you need a division of labor. One of you does food, one does decorations, etc. But it would be exceedingly rude of you to rescind your offer to use your house or to reject the friend's efforts to help.

Anonymous wrote:Also, what PP said is so true - do not start drama between family and friends, that would be terrible for your SIL!! You are behaving in a very controlling and self-absorbed manner.

I do not think OP is self absorbed at all, she is just mature enough(apart from initial meddling) to wonder about logistics, and it is not clear if friend is organizing, OP is co hosting, and if I was in this situation, and it is at my house, guess what? It is my responsibility and people are not going to care that things are disorganized, food is not there, because I tell them, I am just lending them my house as a venue! Hence OP will look like a shitty SIL when things go bad and she will be blamed. Things need to be completely clear about what is happening. Otherwise, SIL can just make a huge banner that reads "I am not hosting this party, my house is a venue just like a restaurant would be. All complaints should be directed to bride's friend!" Of course, it does sound like OP was trying to butt in with offering help and her house, and without her offering(hindsight is great, no) she wouldn't be in this mess, but she is in it now, even if by her own meddling.

It sounds like the friend is going to pay for the food / drinks, so outside of offering the venue, you're not on the hook for much.

Also, why didn't you text the friend back to coordinate? Why did you text SIL?

I recommend having a talk with your SIL. Keep in mind that younger people are still terrible communicators, they think all is assumed and all is great, let's chill and not clue about real planning. As of right now, it seems that your have no clear idea if this is just an enthusiastic friend or is she truly hosting the party and know the enormous cost and time to do this party. Be direct, but nice, talk to the friend too. "Hey, I am a bit confused about the engagement party, are you hosting it, are you organizing everything, are you paying for everything?" What is the bride thinking is happening? Does she even know that this friend is acting like she is organizing, or are you going to end up with the huge bill catering to some friend's ideas? I think being nice, honest and blunt to clarify everything is the best way. Sure, it sounds like the friend is organizing, but I met too many younger people who talk a lot and do very little, and pay for even less.

Also, what PP said is so true - do not start drama between family and friends, that would be terrible for your SIL!! You are behaving in a very controlling and self-absorbed manner.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

+1 Hallelujah, thank you PP for putting into words exactly what I was thinking. The friend called you to collaborate with you, not ask you to run the whole show. How is she overstepping her bounds?